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13 Episodes 1983 - 1984
Episode 1
30 mins
Keeping pace with common advertising ploys, Christine announcers that today's show will likewise be "new and improved," but the only "improvement" visible is the whiter-than-white slime. Lisa, however, comes up with the true novelty to attract more viewers - set Kevin on fire. Elsewhere: Having an uncle with advertising dollars benefits Alasdair at the firing squad. Blip takes a cue from TV advertisers to improve his video games. A newspaper article prompts Schidtler's class to help him stave off teacher-burnout. A burnt out television set sends Valerie to satisfy her racy soap opera fix at the laundromat. Liz gets detention for stopping traffic. Kevin starts up an underground newspaper in the dungeon. New and improved delivery hours gets paperboy Alasdair assaulted on his collection route. And TV sport talk becomes the ruination of both Kevin's conversational grammar and physical comfort.
Episode 2
30 mins
On the Link Set, Lisa makes Christine the endless butt of relentless dog jokes while occasionally scaring her off with a mouse. Mewing puts Lisa wise to Barth's main burger ingredient. Schidtler's class demonstrates Pavlov's principle of conditioning. Valerie insists on putting Lisa's dog to sleep, but Lisa's choice for a cute and cuddly new pet puts Valerie to sleep. Lance's offer to replace Eugene's trampled gerbil just won't do. Vegetables in the Vanessa's fishbowl means family dinner soon. Lance's insistence on walking the dog leads to indoor destruction. A growling "pet" for show and tell rescues Martin from detention. Eugene brings classmates home to see Lance do tricks. Nasti corrects a prisoner's appraisal of his treatment. A parrot and cat ultimately save Martin from gunfire. And Christine's all wet when it comes to demonstrating the proper care and feeding of a budgie.
Episode 3
30 mins
On a show dealing with ailments, Christine breaks her leg, leading Dr. Lisa to consult with Nurse Luke on putting the poor animal out of its misery. Elsewhere: Kevin becomes a medicine man in an attempt to make Christine beautiful. The grades received in Mr. Schidter's class mirror the students' reports on vitamins. A doctor's note at the firing squad advises Alasdair against taking in any lead. Barth gets a neighborhood disease named after him. Luke observes that Barth's menu items equal the exact number of different food poisons. Alasdair's measles only LOOK worse once he's back from school. Lance returns from his doctor visit none the wiser. Kevin's penmanship foreshadows a medical future. Valerie discovers an ailing hot water bottle. Lisa learns the cost of playing doctor. An all-time high causes Kevin and Blip to pass out at the arcade. A remedy for Christine's headache may lead to pneumonia. Over Lisa's legs, the Doctor hosts an open consult. Odds are against Luke getting a doctor's treatment for soar throat. Barth's food cures Kevin's hiccups. Locker jokes link various aids to various conditions.
Episode 4
30 mins
City-ratified ordinances, meant to protect children, affect the show directly and negatively. By the new set of rules, Ross can't pay the cast, but he also must give Christine a fifteen minute break for every five minutes of work she puts in. He overcomes this misfortune by providing Christine a cot, milk and cookies for her comfort - "bed and breakfast" but at cost. Elsewhere, rules make Ross a paid escort, stick Brodie and Lisa behind bars indefinitely, bundle up Doug for play outside (in July), force Lisa to rough it with a broom, make Lance work Doug's paper route for free, put Lisa on hold when she lacks a note for the teacher, keep Lance in the cold, impede Doug's enjoyment of Halloween, potentially food-poison Mr. Schidtler, threaten the preservation of the human race, and keep Brodie from enjoying the video arcade. On the other hand, Lisa achieves poetic justice in the payment of a doctor's bill. As far as the green slime goes, well, no restrictions are as yet established.
Episode 5
30 mins
The show looks into a future where newspapers are no longer needed for their news content and computers will have 256 gigabytes of memory, where kids have multiple arms, where Barth's burgers become Triple-Barthy-Added-Additive pills, and where rising unemployment links with increased longevity to raise the public school grade level to 17. The bomb drops but Lisa still needs a note to return to class. New policies for noncompetitive sports force a coach to encourage his players to give it their worst. Kevin's growth rate forces Nasti to envision a future where he can't put the kid on the rack anymore. Valerie tells Dougie a nuclear fairy tale. A computerized kitchen leaves the Prevorts with both nerves and food raw. Lance ruins Christmas by giving Dougie more than what he asked for. A computer error puts Mike in detention. Christine believes she can circumvent all future slimings but overlooks technical upgrades.
Episode 6
Fri, Oct 14, 198330 mins
Everyone gets on a back-to-nature kick. Barth converts his burger joint into an all mineral eatery. Failure at flame from two rubbed sticks puts Boy Scout Alasdair up before the firing squad. Carpet in the forest brings the wrath of Mother Nature. A lucky charm from the wild gets Vanessa booted from a civilized establishment. The fourth element of nature befalls a wary student. BackPac-Man teaches Kevin and Alasdair all about nature at the arcade. Blip prepares for a hike. Alasdair ends a camping trip by pitching the family tent. Kevin goes big game hunting in the wilds of New Jersey. Barth goes small game hunting in the calm of a back alley. Alasdair's grossed by Lance's lesson in fish cleaning. The latest unwanted field trip forces Schidtler's class to "Refuse the Cruise." The wide Grand Canyon reminds Lisa of Christine while the babbling Colorado River reminds Christine of Lisa. Lance brings home a whopper. Kevin and Alasdair experience the punishment cabin at summer camp. Lisa cheers up her sleeping bag. Vanessa undermines Alasdair's paper trail. A bug bugs Moose.
Episode 7
Mon, Oct 17, 198330 mins
Cooking and cuisine get the focus of this show as Ross reveals how he makes his restaurant money, Alasdair finds residential use for Christine's tooth-breaking "upchuck" cakes, Barth unveils his new oyster chowder (which may well contain things more like sand than the pearls he suggests), Christine experiences a downfall in making tea, Valerie prepares to foil a fish, Lisa shows Christine a positive side to bed-wetting, boy scout Alasdair gets his first decent meal at summer camp (courtesy of the firing squad), Corey proves he can face the challenge of a pie contest, Valerie explains why dinner is named after Alasdair's uncle over his cousin, Christine sabotages Lisa's soup, Alasdair and Corey play with food, and Lisa goes a bit heavy on flour. Before Corey's dynamite cake can end the show with an unaccustomed bang, Lisa, Corey and Alasdair form an intervention to stop this dietary nightmare of Christine's continuous cooking.
Episode 8
Mon, Oct 10, 198330 mins
Armed with "a surprisingly relevant and important" topic for once (i.e. inequality against kids), host Christine happily intros this installment when a fire breaks out on the neighboring set. With "women and children first," she's now doubly glad of this inequality, until she learns it means she's first in line to take up an extinguisher and battle the fire. With the neighboring trailer and wardrobe ruined, studio execs decide to hand over all the kids' trailers and costumes to that more important adult production next door, leaving the kids bereft of trailer and clothes. Elsewhere: Lance confiscates the plastic prize in a cereal box, Liz wants to wear makeup, Lance is touched that Eugene thinks he has what it takes to make a kid happy, Brodie gets a sickening coupon for a clean bill of health, Eugene suffers for an age limit in drinking, a production of Richard III performs in kid clothes, the coach picks little Eugene as a substitute over much taller Brodie in a basketball game, Blip starts accepting credit cards at his arcade, Liz wants the biggest slice of pie at dinner for a change, Nasti strives to avoid accusations of discrimination, and the Prevorts struggle to stay aloft in a hot air balloon ride.
Episode 9
Fri, Oct 21, 198330 mins
A missing star and nameplate, and a changed lock on her dressing room door is all the cast requires to believe Christine's getting canned. The idea seems especially valid when Ross inexplicably has Klea take over the show's intro, and when water refuses to befall Christine when she says "water," her fate seems assuredly sealed. Soon, everyone must confront, confirm and/or deny various rumors. Barth refutes hearsay that he's serving yesterday's leftovers, while Blip confirms the report of a kid who went to Hong Kong for doing well on video games. Mr. Schidtler dispels the rumor of his being a secret drinker, while Klea spreads the tales of Kevin inviting girls over to see his "stamp collection" and shaving his legs. Christine assures Lisa there are no schoolgirls spreading ugly rumors about her being fat and ugly. El Capitano aims to disprove Luke's report of the firing squad's incompetence. Valerie upholds the statement that dish-washing is bad for hands. Nasti shackles Lisa in the dungeon for excessive gossiping. The coach vehemently rejects the babble over a rival basketball team's viciousness, while the principal substantiates the common talk of his spending much of his past in detention. Mr. Schidtler squelches the talk of his permanently leaving school, while hearsay brings the entire class to school on a Saturday. With Christine's future in question, is Lisa really a friend in finding her a new job as an understudy? Well, if Christine IS to go, she has a few parting words for her cast mates, and begins rolling up her sleeves.
Episode 10
Mon, Oct 24, 198330 mins
Late to class, Brodie brings a note from his father (E natural). Mr. Schidtler's class fails to correctly identify "the three B's." Alasdair demonstrates the fun of a trombone. Lance demands carols from trick-or-treaters. Lisa gets a one-note piano lesson. The Who comes to Barth's Burgery. Lance gives Alasdair a fluidic music lesson. A Johnny Cash song spares Justin at the firing squad. A baby grand in the dining room tempts Alasdair to play with his food. The clarinet saves Lance's life in a bear hunt. Alasdair pursues the Suzuki method for playing violin. Justin endeavors to keep piano practice a punishment. Barth plays his sewage pipes for sauce. Brodie mixes music with sports. Alasdair enables El Capitano to experience the full quadraphonic richness of his squad. The sitar puts Justin back in diapers. Screams are to Nasti's ears what quarters are to Blip's. Justin frequents Barth's for catgut. A camp councilor's bugle has anti-musical intent. And the kids' closing rendition of a Mozart concerto strikes chords of fear and panic in Ross.
Episode 11
30 mins
Everyone's bad habits get the limelight. The wardrobe mistress' practice of not reading beyond the script's title page puts Christine in a nun's uniform. Lisa uses the show's theme to ungraciously list all of Christine's bad habits on camera. Kevin readily admits to drooling. Valerie has an extreme retort to Alasdair playing with his food. Christine claims to have solved the problem of utensil etiquette that earlier confounded Lisa (a solution which nobody believes). Kevin has a problem licking dinner plates at home, at least till the dishwasher's fixed. A misinterpretation of a courtesy instruction leaves Valerie's family without dining room chairs. Lance comes across Alasdair's stash of used bubble gum and finds Vanessa's alternative to nail-biting annoying. Barth's cleaning habits only coincide with his immediate need for alternate ingredients. Alasdair's chronic borrowing comes to a head over Lisa's toothbrush. Vanessa pays a price for stuffing gum in a coin slot. Lance and Kevin explain to Alasdair the significance of elevators, dirty dishes and doorways behind the historical and common sense wisdom of "Ladies First." El Capitano aims to help Alasdair break his habit of interrupting. Lisa's interruptive proclivities are impeded. Garlic breath proves useful at school. And the producers' Rules of Etiquette doesn't seem to cover rude outbreaks of water or green slime.
Episode 12
Mon, Feb 27, 198430 mins
Armed with the new stage name of Kevin Illyanovich Rasputin Kubusheskie, Kevin is ready for fame. He already has the head for it (swelled), the ego (inflated) and an adoring fan base (himself). Now he just needs the means of getting it, whether through photography, self-promotion, appearing in a fan magazine, being the first to stomach a Barth Burger, scoring highest in video games, or selective wording to make himself seem important to his castmates. Meanwhile, Barth wonders if he, himself, will ever be famous, now that he's over "thirty," Mike starts his political career by announcing he wants to be a fireman, and Lisa lists several outstanding reasons why Lance should be famous. Christine finally wraps up the show with some famous last words.
Episode 13
Wed, Feb 29, 198430 mins
Ross calls the show off due to a baseball game, but a private word from the producer (in which fatal harm is implied) gets things rolling again; still, that doesn't stop Ross from watching the game on TV and neglecting the show. Concurrently: Lisa skips rope to counter the widening effects of sitting in school all day. Christine thinks wine, woman and song are priorities too old for little Dougie. Health is Luke's professed priority. Money becomes number one for both Ross and Barth. Valerie and Lance announce their decision to finally get married. El Capitano threatens to teach Mike a lesson. Barth combs the alley for lunch specials. Doug learns where he ranks in his mother's affections. Christine gives a lesson in how to identify Barth's cuisine. Luke leads Mr. Schidtler on a convoluted journey over how he derived a correct answer. Mike both criticizes Barth for not having soup on the menu and takes Valerie's breath away when he offer to help vacuum the house.