You Can't Do That on Television

Episode 1

Premiere Pilot

Sat, Jan 2, 1982 30 mins

Kids from Ottawa offer up phone-in giveaways, comedy skits, and community events on a live show.

Episode 2

Shoestring

54 mins

Tim has numerous difficulties in trying to attract Cindy's interest; in his least-successful effort he ends up as her dress model. When it's discovered during an award presentation that newspaper carriers can earn rewards greater than hosts of a TV show, the entire studio can't sign up fast enough. McDonald's Mayor McCheese visits the set, and Tim and Rodney have a spaghetti-eating contest. Cindy's candor at having dissected a beloved frog (her former pet) should have Marc worried since he's the show's token "frog" (French-Canadian).

Episode 3

Weather & Dresses

60 mins

While Kevin Somers lets his new TV fame go directly to his head, Jono learns how to broadcast the weather through buckets of rain, snow, and hail on his head.

Episode 4

The Handcuffs Show

60 mins

Episode 5

Painted Lockers & Dances

60 mins

The kids exercise on a stationary bike and use the TV station's special effects to create changes of scenery; while trying to stay healthy and exercise, the kids' efforts are halted by the adults; the boy escapes by going jogging with the firing squad.

Episode 6

The Toronto Producers

25 mins

Episode 7

Episode #1.7

60 mins

The show starts off at a complete stop: As Mr. Dime tastefully opens the show himself, McSwain, the Deputy Assistant Vice President of Engineering, pops in to say that he's done him a big favor: stopping the broadcast of "that children's show you hate so much" by literally pulling its plug, sending Dime racing, plug in hand, to get the show back on the air. With the studio sitting in darkness, Ross presumes that the show's been canceled for the day and lets the kids go, much to their delight. When Mr. Dime comes and plugs the studio back into life, taped skits are aired while Ross heads out with a bullwhip to herd the kids back into the studio. Later, Lisa aims to get Bradfield slimed, but her attempts keep backfiring; and Ross sells Jim a worthless watch with an equally worthless guarantee.

Episode 8

The Backstage Show

60 mins

Episode 9

The Executive Washrooms

52 mins

The kids arrive at the set to find the remnants of an executive party, with bottles of champagne, caviar, and $20 bills strewn amid other debris. Ross happily collects the found cash, assuring them that it's phony before chasing them off the set to look for more. Meanwhile, Mr. Dime believes that kids have been messing up the executive washroom, so he has Seth Pool change the locks, which only brings him new grief. As Christine and Sarah plot to pie Mike, Jim and Mike coincidentally think Sarah is due for pie as well, and both groups set out to practice on Iain; but afterward, with slime so handily primed to befall anyone who says "I don't know," they upgrade their objective, once again practicing on Iain. With so much pieing going on at the studio, director Geoffrey Darby gets his.

Episode 10

Concert/Library/Boring

60 mins

The kids present the usual live jokes and call-in contests, along with filmed segments showing Ottawa children and teens telling their own jokes, classroom sketches, disruptions in the library, mock executions, and kid-and-parent interactions. Music videos and disco dancers, hosted by Jim Johnson, are seen about every 10 minutes. Standard features of the series include the locker jokes, cream pies in the face, and green slime for anyone who says, "I don't know" for any reason.

Episode 11

The Straight Jackets Show

60 mins

The TV station producing the show has ordered that everyone in the studio on weekends must wear a straitjacket.

Episode 12

Episode #1.12

60 mins

Episode 13

The Walk Show

60 mins

The kids who usually do the show in a studio are "on location" in Ottawa, highlighting a walkathon in aid of charity, interviewing various participants who have gathered sponsors for their attempt at the 50 km walk.

Episode 14

End of First Series

30 mins

The show is ending its first season as a local program, and the cast members wonder if they'll be picked up by the national network in the next season.