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13 Episodes 1982 - 1982
Episode 1
Mon, Oct 18, 198225 mins
On the Link Set, Christine goes through a huge box of different kinds of deodorant where both she and Ross find things to improve the other's appeal. Brodie learns that Barth doesn't use deodorant as it makes his burgers taste too flowery after they're kept warm under is arms. Kevin thinks Lisa's lipstick is catsup she forgot to wipe off. Fountain of Youth face cream works too well on Ross. The school coach discovers two boys on his team into make-up. The counselor at summer camp pulls his annual joke on one of the boys - indelible makeup. Mr. Schidtler's new deodorant keeps the cheating students from smelling his approach during tests. Christine's little brother needs cosmetic surgery for his stomachache. Barth's wrestling demo for Lisa leaves Kevin unconscious. Elizabeth asks Valerie where her nail polish is as Lance complains the catsup bottle's too small. And Christine relays the peril of using corn chip flavored lipstick around a hungry boyfriend.
Episode 2
Wed, Oct 20, 198225 mins
Christine boasts that her generation has avoided the dangerous addictions of its parents - smoking, coffee and alcohol - but a survey of the Link Set shows the cast entirely self-absorbed in various addictions of their own: Christine into Pac-Man, Kevin into Motor Trend Magazine, Martin into Rubik's Cube and Lisa into a romance novel. Pac-Man becomes quite the monster of this show, gobbling up all of Christine's time, escaping Luke's television to devour the family cat, used by Nasti to torture prisoner Kevin, eating all the periods and dots-over-the-i's in Lisa's homework, and eventually consuming nearly half the cast. Lisa is a bit immune to Pac-man, in part because she's on a "space wafer diet" but mostly because she's already addicted to romantic novels, Slurps (which are quite like Smurfs) and the soap opera General Hospital. General Hospital is the second beastie of this episode, swaying Mr. Schidtler's attention from his class and Valerie's attention from knowing what's become of Lance (admitted to a real general hospital) and her accuracy in mending socks. Nasti, addicted to torture, wears a Walkman so he shall hear screaming wherever he goes. Kevin avoids the firing squad by helping El Capitano break his addiction to executions. Luke, at 3:00AM, encounters Valerie's addiction to tidying up. Kevin believes they've all become addicted to cat meat at Barthy's. And Martin tells Mr. Schidtler how he overcame his addiction to school. Finally, Christine holds the ultimate video game cartridge, where a player can do anything nasty to whatever TV show s/he's watching. Unfortunately, someone else already has it and puts an end to You Can't Do That On Television.
Episode 3
Fri, Oct 22, 198225 mins
Ross puts numbers on the kids so a TV survey for who is most popular can be taken. Kevin doesn't understand its importance till Christine explains whoever ranks highest is in a position to get things like his/her own trailer or clout to request higher pay. Lisa thinks popularity is shown by how many people hate you, while Christine wonders why striving for success doesn't become popular till after leaving public school. Christine thinks the survey is skewed when early results match the numbers Ross distributed, but she further undermines her chances by not pre-reading Ross' cue cards. Barth hosts a celebrity roast for Big Bird (with everything but an apple in the popular Sesame Street character's mouth), while Nasti engages a celebrity roast for Kevin by strapping him into an electric chair. Athletic boys ask Elizabeth which type is most popular with her. And Eugene learns what's Barth's most popular burger (to his regret).
Episode 4
Mon, Oct 25, 198226 mins
Wildly changing fashion trends (ostensibly form Paris) have the kids wearing half-cutoffs, kilts, Quest For Fire animal skins, cowboy outfits, 15th century goth apparel, spacesuits, medieval fairyland garb, the Amityville horror look, safari togs and frogmen wetsuits before finally going au naturale. Lisa's doctor schedules her for ear removal since that's the latest medical trend in treating an injured toe. Lance follows the latest all-you-can-drink milkshake diet. Barth wears a kilt so folks think he's playing bagpipes rather than sacking cats. Lance dresses Kevin in baby clothes for new home photos rather than tell Valerie he's lost Kevin's baby photo album. Dressed as a fairytale princess, Lisa finds and kisses an enchanted frog, which backfires. Water won't come while Christine's in a wetsuit. Doug and Kevin wonder if the animal skin dress code at summer camp means the camp is fashion trendy or just a lot more primitive than they first thought. And the final fashion trend renders Christine unable to leave the studio.
Episode 5
Wed, Oct 27, 198225 mins
Vacations. Christine decides she hasn't had one in a while and lays out at the beach for the entire show, with Brodie the waiter bringing her ever-larger fruit drinks while others show up as well (knocking sand, water and even ice cream onto her). Elsewhere, a counselor isn't worried about having too few beds for boys at a summer camp with a mortality rate. Alasdair returns home to report on the camp experience "as a whole." Lance takes the kids to the movies to see South America. Barth goes cat hunting, raising Kevin's expectations for some really big burgers upon his return. Martin touches Mr. Schidtler's heart by bringing him a bottle of Mexican liquor as a gift from his family's recent vacation (which is not where the gift touches Mr. Schidtler when he has a swig). Klea gets to spend summer vacation in detention. Barth returns from France to institute frog-burgers as his newest cuisine. Montezuma's Revenge saves Kevin from the firing squad. And Lance tries to fly the family to Paris, only to wind up as far as the front porch.
Episode 6
Fri, Oct 29, 198225 mins
With the studio warranty expired, things around the link set start to break down, but before they reach total collapse, others experience the sting of being ripped off: Lisa feels cheated out of the real firing squad experience she paid for when the amigos use blanks. Barth's 25¢ ice cream special turns out to be an "I scream" special. Alasdair must dig dig dig to get through the new and improved wrappings of his candy bar. Mr. Schidtler's attempt to resolve a classroom theft leaves him in the dark. Jamie loses Alasdair's rare coin to a vending machine that won't even give product. Pictures of an 8" boy make toy prizes in cereal boxes look huge. Barth's Turkey Surprise is a real surprise for the turkey's who order it. Alasdair's new battery pack comes complete with batteries not included. Lisa finds that new, extra-large box advertisements don't promise extra-large amounts inside. Christine escapes the set before she's buried under its full structural collapse.
Episode 7
Mon, Nov 1, 198226 mins
Ross thinks Christine forgot to get out of her PJ's before coming to the studio, but it's her gi in which she practices karate moves throughout the show to deal with any bullies she may meet (which doesn't protect her from little Alasdair's headlock or from devious belittlements by others). Elsewhere: Lance gets billed for son Alasdair following his exact advice on how to handle bullies. Kevin, though tall, is the perpetual target of bullies till friend Brodie stands up for him. Alasdair in a sailor suit (but a karate expert) hangs out in back allies to entice unwary bullies to pick on him. Bullying Barth - though no part of any Headbangers' Ball - sure has a ball banging the heck out of Zilch's head with his frying pan. Alasdair roughs up Capitano and his amigos for doing a shoddy job of executing Kevin at the firing post. Preppies push around a punk. Lisa gives the hypocritical vice principal a tongue-lashing after figuring that his detention punishments constitute bullying. Mr. Schidtler, who won't have bullying in his classroom, sends the involved students to the hallway. And Alasdair forgives Moose for tricking him into a sliming with many big, green, wet hugs.
Episode 8
Wed, Nov 3, 198225 mins
Having read the script, Christine thinks she'll be mixing drinks at a cocktail bar until Ross steers her to her intended spot at a ballet bar. Elsewhere: Lisa gives voice and new meaning to de Vinci's most famous painting. Gourmet food critic Peter Cockroach reviews the ambiance that is Barth;s Burgery. The school football team chafes against changes in uniform due to their sponsorship by the Department of Culture & Recreation, but eventually they adapt to the cultural air and throw a locker room tea party. While Martin's violin does anything but sooth the savage beast in Lance, Kevin aims to fire off a few rounds for the neighborhood from the classic instrument he carries in his own violin case. A class assignment on the classics creates a sudden rash of broken television sets. While Brodie paints Klea in the nude, Kevin's imagination enables him not to go that far with Christine. And Lance mistakes the meaning of Parents' Night at Lisa's ballet recital, much to her humiliation.
Episode 9
Fri, Nov 5, 198230 mins
With television as the theme, Christine shares a little of what goes on around their TV studio, from chaos on the set, to breaking up actors kissing in the wings, to having technical terms explained, to supporting new talent as it tries to figure how the green slime falls. Elsewhere: Mr. Schidtler turns his classroom into a game show where, for the right price, any kid can go home with a fine set of grades for their parents. Kevin proves where his interests lie in a house fire. Doug learns of the deal between Barth and the producers of stomach ache commercials. A TV character defend himself from shut-off with photon torpedoes. Lisa's mom regrets encouraging her daughter to do without television. Vanessa has trouble with Pay TV. And, Kevin finds a way to "watch" as little television as possible.
Episode 10
Mon, Nov 8, 198230 mins
With "Sports" as this episode's topic, Moose dons her best Howard Cosell impersonation (which only comes across as Robin Leach) as she introduces the football team, presents scores, and conducts interviews complete with slow motion replays. Elsewhere on the show, Brodie's unruly brother is diagnosed with McEnroe Syndrome (a.k.a. "tennis ego"), Howard Cosell lulls Lance into an all-day standing slumber, Lisa questions some of sports' terminology, Tony explains how his being a baseball player brought both rescue and injury to his imperiled sister, success at tennis leads Lisa toward opening her own restaurant, the national hockey association keeps its eye on Barth, El Capitano chews out Kevin for missing the firing squad's bullet, Valerie catches a breakfast pass and spikes it, Tony catches Lance limbering up his throwing arm for Christmas, Nasti's dungeon tanning plan for Kevin works too well, and tutus go too far for a winning boys' team sponsored by The National Endowment for the Arts. Nearing tears of frustration after being scolded, confounded, suspended, tortured, replaced, traded, failed, humiliated, ridiculed, fried, labeled and looked down upon, Kevin finally lashes out at the studio camera.
Episode 11
Wed, Nov 10, 198230 mins
As Christine wonders what qualities constitute a hero, much time is spent at the railroad tracks where various people are bound for an oncoming train. A gum ball machine frequently provides magic rings for unwary users. Charlie learns the hard way not to call upon superpowers with a garbage-tie. The Hulk displays his incredible appetite. Beethoven's deficiencies seem much greater inside Schidtler's class than out. Doug's real-life hero's all seem to be of inordinate height. Christine helps Superhero Charlie find his vulnerability. Valerie's promise of stardom gets Dougie to eat spinach. Superman's attempt to catch a burglar lands him in jail. Lisa catches lead at the firing squad. Conan goes barbaric in the library. Nasti proclaims to have James Bond in his dungeon. Lance's son gets trashed. Bottle collectors Brodie and Kevin get smashed. The Lone Ranger wants proof of his paternity. Christine, Kevin and Barth reveal who their heroes are and why. Lisa shows enormous potential as a minimalist artist. Barth unveils caped crusader hot-dogs as his latest invention. Kevin begs his latest invention be laughed at. And Wonder Woman most unwelcomely lives up to her name.
Episode 12
Fri, Nov 12, 198230 mins
Christine welcomes viewers to a show focused on unfairness, which right away gets Ross griping about the unfairness of being so much older than Christine. Lisa and Natalie think the privilege of Alasdair being named "Producer's Pet" is unfair till they notice the endless grunt work that accompanies it. Short on vacation money, Mr. Schidtler fails his entire class so there'll be plenty of summer school students for him to be hired on to teach. Starving kids in Burundi find it unfair that relief shipments always contain just spinach, while kids back in America think it equally unfair of them to ship it all back. Mr. Schidtler provides the unjust after-school means for Alasdair to acquire a free dictionary. The magical Un-fairy Godmother grants wishes to kids who alternately want to be smart, fed, slim, unbothered, and not so singled out for the befalling slime. Alasdair's new toy rocket comes with unfair instructions for pre-destruction. Natalie decries the unfairness of always having to wear the same yellow dress when visiting her Grandma. Lance takes an unfair advantage of an over-tipped paperboy. And Christine points out a few unfair appearances of the word "fair" in a few fairly common words.
Episode 13
Mon, Nov 15, 198230 mins
In the fears portion of the show: Christine believes she fears nothing till Lisa holds contrary proof, Ross inadvertently puts the fear of aging in Kevin, Schidtler's class tries to define various phobias, a gross movie scene sends Doug and Vanessa fleeing a theater in horror, Christine explains a phobia that often develops in TV studios, veritaphobia makes Ross untrustworthy, Martin gets edgy over the contents of Barth's burgers, and an ugly thing sitting at the foot of Doug's bed has him calling out in terror. In the growing up portion of the show: Lisa argues whether or not Christine can call herself an adult, Schidtler tries to take a class photo, Doug becomes an uncle, Valerie's combative kids take her advice and fight like adults, Doug outs an embarrassing secret to Lisa's new boyfriend, Lisa sees a conflict in Zilch's stated aspiration, and Doug's extreme youth presents legal problems for the firing squad.