Madame's Place

Episode 0

Unaired Pilot

Mon, Sep 6, 1982

The premise is the same - Madame hosts a nightly talk show and has to contend with other eccentrics in her personal life - but she's surrounded by a different cast, including an assortment of puppets.

Episode 1

The Successful Comeback

Mon, Sep 20, 1982 23 mins

We are introduced to the characters in and around Madame's life as she prepares for the latest taping of her syndicated TV talk show. At the end of this hectic day, Madame's niece Sara Joy arrives from their native Georgia, determined to crack show business and requesting that her aunt put her up until she does.

Episode 2

This is Her Past

Tue, Sep 21, 1982 23 mins

Sara Joy begins pounding the pavement in Hollywood; After being sawed in half by the world's most incompetent magician, Madame finds herself the surprise honoree on "This Is Your Life."

Episode 3

A Bath for Eddie

Wed, Sep 22, 1982 23 mins

A neighborhood boy whom Madame once babysat returns to visit her, but he has grown into a popular television evangelist. He tries to save Madame's soul while she tries to get him back in the bathtub.

Episode 4

Pinky's Diary

Thu, Sep 23, 1982 23 mins

Bernadette books a ladies' marching band on the show without Madame's approval; Buzz and Sara Joy submit Pinkerton's diary for publication, which divulges his long-ago affair with Madame. When the book sells, Pinkerton is torn between the generous cash advance and his loyalty to Madame.

Episode 5

The Big Cage

Fri, Sep 24, 1982 23 mins

A rash of robberies in the neighborhood leads Madame to install a home security system. Unfortunately, as she's testing it out, a metal cage descends upon her from above and locks her in -- fifteen minutes before she's due on stage.

Episode 6

Not Even in a Dream

Mon, Sep 27, 1982 23 mins

No sooner does Solaria, a psychic, predict that Madame is fated to have a baby than a bundle of joy is found on the doorstep of the mansion.

Episode 7

Movie Stars and Producers

Tue, Sep 28, 1982 23 mins

It's dueling divas when guest star Debbie Reynolds does a life-sized impression of Madame on the show; Sara Joy admits that the baby found on Madame's doorstep is hers, and the need to earn money leads her to accept a role in a pornographic film.

Episode 8

One Catastrophe Follows the Other

Wed, Sep 29, 1982 23 mins

Madame and Bernadette have a falling out after Solaria conducts a seance to make contact with Bernadette's deceased husband; Sara Joy reveals that she is not the true mother of the infant found on Madame's doorstep, and that she has been protecting the baby's real mother, a friend of hers from Dawson, Georgia.

Episode 9

Naked All-Star Bowling Competition

Thu, Sep 30, 1982 23 mins

As the standoff between Madame and Bernadette rages on, the household falls into disarray; Sara Joy's friend Patty Sue takes ownership of the infant found on Madame's doorstep and heads back to Dawson, Georgia; on her show, Madame spotlights a Japanese comedienne who does uncanny impressions of Leslie Caron, Hermione Gingold, Katharine Hepburn, Sandra Dee and Shirley Temple.

Episode 10

Intimate and Embarrassing

Fri, Oct 1, 1982 23 mins

Madame and Bernadette reconcile, and the household returns to order -- until Madame becomes indisposed, at which point a scramble ensues to find a substitute host for that evening's show. With all of Tinseltown RSVP'd to a party hosted by Sammy Davis, Jr., Madame prepares Bernadette to take center stage.

Episode 11

Buzzy's Puberty

Mon, Oct 4, 1982 23 mins

Concerned over Buzzy's adolescent crush on Sara Joy, Madame intervenes with the boy's self-involved show-biz parents, but her plan backfires when Buzzy runs away; Anthony Newley appears on Madame's show, where the two duet to "The Candy Man."

Episode 12

A Divine Diva

Tue, Oct 5, 1982 23 mins

After winning the Irish Sweepstakes, an eccentric, formerly homeless woman named Cora moves in next door to Madame. When the snooty neighbors protest, Madame goes the Pygmalion route to teach Cora how to behave like a lady of means.

Episode 13

The Blushing Bride

Wed, Oct 6, 1982 23 mins

To boost ratings, Madame sponsors an on-air "Marry Madame" contest to find the man who will become her seventh husband; an extremely talkative Charles Nelson Reilly pays a visit to Madame's show, barely letting her get a word in edgewise.

Episode 14

In Love, Engaged, Crazy

Thu, Oct 7, 1982 22 mins

Bernadette, Pinkerton and Sara Joy take an instant dislike to Madame's new fiancé, but when Madame remains blind to his mercenary nature, they conspire to reveal his true colors.

Episode 15

The Barbarian in the Boudoir

Fri, Oct 8, 1982 22 mins

When Madame and con-man Dwayne Kellogg elope to Mexico, Pinkerton, Sara Joy and Bernadette spring into action to stop the wedding before it's too late; the outspoken Mr. Honest fills in for Madame on her show while she's away.

Episode 16

The Prey of Madness

Mon, Oct 11, 1982 22 mins

Depressed and behaving erratically in the wake of her ruptured engagement to Dwayne Kellogg, Madame refuses professional help -- until Bernadette engages celebrity psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers; on her show, Madame introduces comics Fred Willard and Dave Workman.

Episode 17

Duck Good, All Good

Tue, Oct 12, 1982 22 mins

Dr. Joyce Brothers continues her in-depth analysis of Madame, which reveals a long-standing pattern of choosing the wrong men in her life; Pinkerton comes clean with Madame about his feelings for her, twenty-five years after their breakup.

Episode 18

Who Laughs Last?

Wed, Oct 13, 1982 23 mins

Against her better judgment, Madame allows a vitriolic reporter to follow her with a camera for a TV expose that completely misrepresents her; inebriated comic Foster Brooks unexpectedly wanders onto the stage of Madame's show.

Episode 19

I Am What I Am

Thu, Oct 14, 1982 23 mins

A famous Italian director asks Madame to appear in his latest film, which leads her to question staying in television; Madame spars with guest star Betty White on her show.

Episode 20

Come Fly with Me

Fri, Oct 15, 1982 23 mins

An avid admirer could develop into a stalker when one of Madame's most devoted -- and ghoulish -- fans gains entrance to the mansion; Tab Hunter is interviewed by Madame on her talk show, though she repeatedly confuses him with other famous 1950s heartthrobs.

Episode 21

The Golden Mousetrap

Mon, Oct 18, 1982 23 mins

Madame's neighbors launch a petition to prevent her from running her show on their street, and Madame finds an unlikely ally in an awkward, introverted inventor.

Episode 22

Barbra Streisand's Nose

Tue, Oct 19, 1982 23 mins

A dip in Madame's ratings indicates that she has fallen out of touch with the youth market. Feeling past her prime, Madame goes punk and takes part in a youth protest.

Episode 23

The Caviar Poisoning

Wed, Oct 20, 1982 23 mins

Madame decides the only way to recapture her beauty is to undergo cosmetic surgery. She and Pinkerton then concoct a ruse that will allow her recuperation time without anyone discovering what's she's done. In response, the household leaps to the conclusion that Madame is on her deathbed.

Episode 24

Hypnosis is Fun

Thu, Oct 21, 1982 23 mins

Solaria tries to hypnotize Madame out of a debilitating bout of insomnia, which causes Madame to fall into a post-hypnotic trance while interviewing a prominent women's rights activist.

Episode 25

Other People's Garbage

Fri, Oct 22, 1982 23 mins

When Barney is fired from "Madame's Place," his replacement is a cutting-edge Canadian producer whose run of controversial, adversarial guests nearly drives Madame off the air.

Episode 26

My Best Friend

Mon, Oct 25, 1982 23 mins

Madame hosts a reunion for one of the 'Whoopie Girls' from her speakeasy days, but the down-on-her-luck former vaudevillian likes mansion living so much that she shows no signs of leaving; Madame welcomes fellow southerner Toni Tennille to the show, but all of her questions pertain solely to the Captain.

Episode 27

But Please, No Jokes

Tue, Oct 26, 1982 23 mins

After spending her life savings to record a single, Sara Joy quits her job to pursue a full-time singing career. When Madame rebukes her rash decision, her discouraged niece packs her bags and heads home to Georgia -- until Bernadette hears the record, which prompts Madame to introduce Sara Joy on her show.

Episode 28

I Am the Star!

Wed, Oct 27, 1982

When Madame is chosen Woman of the Year by the Fine Arts Guild, Bernadette and Pinkerton move into damage control mode, as the Guild reserves the right to withdraw the nomination if the recipient behaves in an undignified manner. Once it commences, the award ceremony devolves into a bona fide roast of Madame.

Episode 29

Everyone Has Their Dream Role

Thu, Oct 28, 1982 23 mins

Sara Joy wants Madame to back the production of an esoteric play written by her untalented boyfriend from acting class; glamorous Eva Gabor guest stars on "Madame's Place," resulting in a fashionista duel between the two divas.

Episode 30

Striptease Sensational

Fri, Oct 29, 1982 23 mins

A freak snowstorm brings Hollywood to its knees during sweeps week, forcing Madame to put her staff and family to work on that evening's show.

Episode 31

My Lawyer, Please!

Mon, Nov 1, 1982 23 mins

Sara Joy hopes to make the Olympics gymnastics team; Madame's former producer sues her for firing him -- serving her subpoena through a dog act on the air -- but her longtime attorney appears to have entered senility.

Episode 32

In Court on Friday

Tue, Nov 2, 1982 23 mins

Sara Joy promotes the career of a juggling street performer; Madame's trial continues, with the plaintiff threatening blackmail with a videotape from her foray into pornography.

Episode 33

Inga's Spicy Meatballs

Wed, Nov 3, 1982 23 mins

Sara Joy takes the stand on Madame's behalf as the trial draws to a conclusion.

Episode 34

Naked Lou From Malibu

Thu, Nov 4, 1982 23 mins

When Sara Joy ends her courtship with a love-'em-and-leave-'em nude artist's model, Solaria sets her up with her nephew, Pee Wee Herman.

Episode 35

The Cousin Who Was Bette Davis

Fri, Nov 5, 1982 23 mins

Madame is paid a visit by her black sheep cousin Charley -- a man who transforms into Bette Davis whenever he hears the word 'trash.' When vacationing Pinkerton returns to the mansion, he falls for Charley in drag.

Episode 36

The Common Fighting Machine

Mon, Nov 8, 1982 23 mins

Madame's sergeant nephew Lamar is temporarily restationed in Los Angeles, where he commandeers the mansion and puts the family through rigorous basic training; Frankie Avalon guest stars on Madame's show, where he shares his secrets for staying youthful.

Episode 37

Episode #1.37

Tue, Nov 9, 1982 23 mins

Madame defies network executives when she hires a handsome but inept new announcer over their more seasoned candidates.

Episode 38

No Fun Without Practice

Wed, Nov 10, 1982 23 mins

Madame invites her second husband and his new fiancée to lunch, then orders William Shatner off the set of her show when the Canadian actor cannot recite the United States pledge of allegiance.

Episode 39

The Man is an Artist

Thu, Nov 11, 1982 23 mins

Madame hires a bargain basement interior designer who romances Bernadette to get a commercial deal on Madame's show.

Episode 40

Between Delusion and Reality

Fri, Nov 12, 1982 21 mins

Believing the mansion is haunted, the household hires a local ghostbuster; Madame hosts comedian George Gobel on her show, and the two compete to see who has the worse memory.

Episode 41

It's the Ghosts!

Mon, Nov 15, 1982 22 mins

Madame continues efforts to banish the ghosts of Groucho and Harpo Marx, whose practical jokes from beyond have the household up in arms; heartthrob John Schneider promotes his latest film and record album on Madame's show.

Episode 42

Pinky's Shock

Tue, Nov 16, 1982 23 mins

An old flame of Pinkerton's returns after 22 years to disclose that they have a son together; comedian Dick Shawn appears as a guest on Madame's show.

Episode 43

Fans and Fanatics

Wed, Nov 17, 1982 23 mins

Two teenagers from the Brooklyn chapter of Madame's fan club sneak into the mansion -- and then refuse to leave; comedian Marty Allen appears on Madame's show.

Episode 44

Comedy, Sex and Pathos

Thu, Nov 18, 1982 23 mins

Defeated and disillusioned by her inability get a role in a major motion picture, Madame decides to retire, throwing her talk show into disarray.

Episode 45

Arlene Hoffman Arrives

Fri, Nov 19, 1982 23 mins

Pinkerton becomes addicted to a television soap opera; comedian Rip Taylor forces Madame to play straight man to him when he appears on her talk show.

Episode 46

Fallow Talents

Mon, Nov 22, 1982 23 mins

Sara Joy is hypnotized into becoming more assertive, which turns into her a completely different person; Arsenio Hall appears on Madame's show.

Episode 47

Do You Have Problem Areas?

Tue, Nov 23, 1982 23 mins

When a fan letter berates her physical appearance, Madame hires a makeover consultant who prescribes a complete overhaul; comedian Fred Travalena guest stars on Madame's show.

Episode 48

Bankrupt and Suicidal

Wed, Nov 24, 1982 23 mins

The household goes to extremes to raise funds when the media reports that Madame is bankrupt; comedian Scatman Crothers guest stars on Madame's talk show.

Episode 49

Do You Want to Meld With Me?

Thu, Nov 25, 1982 23 mins

An extraterrestrial steals into the mansion with the objective of "melding" with Madame so he can bring comedy back to his planet.

Episode 50

The Stolen Portrait

Fri, Nov 26, 1982 23 mins

A bumbling inspector takes charge after Madame's iconic, life-size portrait is stolen.

Episode 51

Chopper the Shocker

Mon, Nov 29, 1982 23 mins

While Pinkerton is on vacation, his twin brother, an uncultivated biker named Chopper, drops in to pay his respects; actor-singer Jerry Reed guest stars on "Madame's Place."

Episode 52

A Poor Old Lady

Tue, Nov 30, 1982

Madame is audited by the Internal Revenue Service, which becomes sticky when Mr. Honest shows up to throw light on every white lie she tells.

Episode 53

The Nice Bernadette

Wed, Dec 1, 1982

Mr. Honest seeks Madame's help in ferreting out the identity of his secret admirer; comedienne Alice Ghostley visits Madame's show, revealing their long-standing rivalry after decades of competing for the same roles.

Episode 54

His Biggest Dream

Thu, Dec 2, 1982 23 mins

Feeling his midlife crunch, Pinkerton accepts an offer to train an up-and-coming female prizefighter.

Episode 55

What Bliss, a Nun

Sun, Dec 5, 1982

A nun moves in next door and is determined to perform on Madame's show.

Episode 56

The Diet Guru is Coming

Mon, Dec 6, 1982

After concluding that the residents of mansion are consuming too much junk food, Madame decides to hire a diet guru.

Episode 57

Candidates for Hollywood

Tue, Dec 7, 1982

Madame runs for city council.

Episode 58

War of the Star Employees

Wed, Dec 8, 1982

Madame and her cohorts compete on the game show "Celebrity Staff Battle."

Episode 59

Between Two Lovers

Fri, Feb 4, 1983

Sara Joy falls for Pinkerton.

Episode 60

Son of the Great Magician

Mon, Feb 7, 1983

Madame decides to give a break to a young magician, but his act is jeopardized by Bernadette.

Episode 61

The Old Liar

Tue, Feb 8, 1983

Madame is forced to contend with the situation when Mister Honest is kidnapped.

Episode 62

From the Fast Squad

Wed, Feb 9, 1983

When Larry Lunch decides to quit showbiz, Pinkerton takes the reigns as Madame's agent.

Episode 63

No Place in Heaven

Mon, Sep 6, 1982

Roland Espiranza's wife returns from the grave.

Episode 64

Bitten by the Vampire

Fri, Feb 11, 1983

Everyone freaks out when Madame is transformed into a vampire by her eccentric new neighbor.

Episode 65

Kiki, the Competition

Mon, Feb 14, 1983

There's a woman impersonating Madame who thinks she's just as good as the original.

Episode 66

The Insect Affair

Tue, Feb 15, 1983

Madame tries to sabotage a rival by having Larry Lunch booked on their show.

Episode 67

Royal Visit

Wed, Feb 16, 1983

Madame goes all out when she meets with Queen Dorianna.

Episode 68

Surfboard of the Gods

Thu, Feb 17, 1983

Madame is informed that her mansion is to be leveled to make room for a new highway.

Episode 69

We Need the Antidote

Fri, Feb 18, 1983

Barney drinks plant revitalizer and turns into a houseplant.

Episode 70

The Exterminator is Coming

Mon, Feb 21, 1983

Pinkerton decides to behave like a swinging single, with disastrous results.

Episode 71

Call Me Foxy

Tue, Feb 22, 1983

Sara Joy contemplates posing as a nude centerfold.

Episode 72

On a Hot Mission

Wed, Feb 23, 1983

Madame is recruited by the CIA to acquire a secret chemical from a Russian diplomat.

Episode 73

Piggy on Duty

Thu, Feb 24, 1983

Exasperated by her failure to get ahead in Hollywood, Sara Joy decides to enlist in the army.

Episode 74

Worse Than Jail

Tue, Sep 6, 1983

Sara Joy's new army sergeant thinks Madame is an AWOL recruit, so the octogenarian finds herself drafted.

Episode 75

The Last Show

Tue, Sep 6, 1983