[Warning: The following contains spoilers for the latest episode of The Masked Singer.]
The Masked Singer came closer to robbing the world of its absurd joy this week, eliminating two contestants of its remaining five. Why Masked Singer? Why? In the words of Stevie Wonder, why send us so high on this rocket ship and then drop us back down into this cold world? Oh well. At least we have three more contestants — along with the promise of seeing at least one more of Nick Cannon's tantalizing outfits — before Season 2. This week, the emcee's wearable masterpiece was a sort of My Bloody Valentine tribute, with a jacket that looked like it was covered in black-and-white wallpaper samples and then splashed with a little bit of blood. Nick introduced Kenan Thompson as a guest judge, and called him his best friend a few times, which was super adorable.
Peacock got this show on the road, singing Calvin Harris' "Let's Go" with lots of range and lots of energy. He was outstanding, and in his little guess segment, he hinted that he's "dedicated his life to show business" — more evidence that the Peacock might be Donny Osmond. But PLOT TWIST! The Osmond Theory got a major wrench thrown into it when Peacock told Robin Thicke he used "Blurred Lines" as an inspiration on one of his albums — a clue Thicke interpreted as being an admission from Weird Al Yankovic. That kind of makes sense, if only because that song is problematic as hell and Weird Al would not know or care about that.
Monster went next, saying in his package that he's here to prove himself after being vilified and persecuted for sounding like a ringtone — yet another sign this is T-Pain. He sang Sam Smith's "Stay With Me," with major heart and emotion, so much emotion that Nicole Scherzinger got misty. "Your heart, your soul" she cooed, inviting speculation about how she'd hold herself together if she went to a Disney on Ice show. The panel vomited up guesses that this was Jamie Foxx (it's not) or maybe CeeLo (it's not), but let's not keep playing dumb. This is T-Pain, as sure as Nick Cannon's home has a climate-controlled room full of foam heads wearing exquisite turbans.
Speaking of Stevie Wonder, Lion sang "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing" from the musical icon, and she slayed it, save a few pitchy runs towards the end. Don't do too much, Lion! Still, covering Stevie Wonder is not a task for mortals, and she held her own. In her package, she dropped another clue she's Rumer Willis by saying "empire" again, but after her performance, the panel concluded she's a professional singer, with Michelle from Destiny's Child floated yet again.
Rabbit, in his package, burped up something about "step by step" — either a clue he is indeed Jenny McCarthy's boo Donnie Wahlberg... or a red herring. He sang "My Girl" by the Temptations, which was fine. Nicole, suddenly getting tough, said this wasn't her favorite performance, and it needed some stage presence (not wrong), and Jenny kept playing the game of pretending this might be her husband.
Bee ended it, plopping out more hints that she might be Patti LaBelle because of peach cobbler, but as we've discussed already, this is Gladys Knight. She sang "A Natural Woman," popularized by her friend Aretha Franklin, sounding sublime. She was a great choice to end it because, as Jenny said, "She is a living legend." In a bee costume! Kenan nailed it: "Who in their right mind doesn't know that's Gladys Knight?" Amen.
In the end, SHOCKER: Lion was revealed — after Ken Jeong made it clear he can't pronounce En Vogue and Nicole thought there's a white Kelly Rowland somewhere — and she was indeed Rumer Willis. Rabbit had to hop off next, and after the panel guessed literally everyone who's ever been in a boy band, that head came off, and it was Joey Fatone, just as we guessed.