The Bachelorette this week was about Hannah Brown shuttin' it down. Guys — Cam and Luke P. — tried to act out of pocket, and Hannah put them in their place. Hannah is at her best when she's standing up for herself. She doesn't like when these guys act insecure.
The episode kicked off on a group date roll call that included Cam, which put the other guys on edge, since Cam crashed the group date he wasn't on last week. The group date was a ... baby simulator (?) with Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen. The guys didn't know much about female anatomy. The main event was a labor pain simulator where the guys got electrocuted to know what childbirth felt like. John Paul Jones almost peed himself and died.
Cam wore a hoodie with a sport coat to the group date cocktail party. Disgusting. Jed and Hannah chucked chicken nuggets off a roof and made a wish. They have easy chemistry. Jed is going far. Mike showed vulnerability by telling Hannah about his ex-girlfriend's miscarriage, and the date made him think about it. Sad. And Cam interrupted them three times, hovering in the doorway and saying he had something important to say. It was unseemly. Even Hannah was like "Cam, relax." She didn't even hug him at the start of their time together. My man's dead meat.
WEARING A HOODIE OVER A SUIT JACKET CAM PLEASE FUCK OFF AND LEAVE MIKE ALONE #thebachelorette— Diaz (@diazas0) May 28, 2019
"I'm a deep person myself," Cam said, while wearing his hoodie and suit jacket and told Hannah he quit his job to be here. Then Jonathan interrupted very soon after Cam sat down and insisted that Cam leave. "What goes around comes around," Jonathan said. When Cam came back, he sat down on the couch and just stared at Jonathan, not saying anything, until Jonathan was like, "what's up, bro?" Cam said, "I didn't know you had it in you," and Jonathan said, "me neither." Hannah is not going to be into this dude drama, so Jonathan won't be around for much longer, either. Mike got the group date rose.
John Paul Jones awkwardly eating chicken nuggets in the midst of obvious tension is honestly such a mood #TheBachelorette— Brianna (@wtvrbriii) May 28, 2019
The show returned from commercial dramatically, as Hannah had to go to the hospital because she fainted, so she canceled her planned date with Connor S. and he went and hung out with her in her hotel. Connor was wearing Allbirds, the goofy techbro knit shoes. Connor has severe vocal fry. He told a harrowing story about his mom having a stroke when he was 13, and said that it showed him how strong his parents' relationship is, and he wants one like that. He didn't get a rose, though. It could be because Hannah was saving it for a real date, or it could be because he wasn't going to last much longer. Leaving all the little Post-it notes around the room is probably going to help his chances.
Then Connor was summoned. Hannah must have been feeling better, because she wanted him in 15 minutes. She gave him the rose as soon as he arrived, and then they had a private concert with Lukas Graham. Why do they insist on doing these private concerts? Does the show get a kickback from the artist's record company? These dates seem so awkward! I wouldn't want to make prolonged eye contact with Lukas Graham lead singer Lukas Forchammer for however long this performance lasts!
Whoa whoa whoa, Tyler G. had to leave? When did that happen? We're just gonna skip over that? According to Heavy, someone on Reddit accused him of some misogynistic behavior, and Reality Steve says production asked him to leave because of it.
The group date was ostensibly a photo shoot, but really it was about putting hidden cameras around the space and having actresses play makeup artist and animal wrangler and flirt with the guys so Demi and Hannah could try to catch them slipping. None of them did! But then Luke P. started to get jealous and controlling during the date while watching Hannah kiss other guys, and Hannah didn't like it.
Um...Luke P. You're on #TheBachelorette. She's gonna kiss other guys. If you're too uncomfortable with it, should've tried your luck by meeting a girl at the bar or somewhere— Angie C. (@Music_Is_Me88) May 28, 2019
During the cocktail party, Hannah called Luke P. aside because he's walking a fine line between attractive and repellent to her right now. "You already think it's, like, promised to you, and it's not." He's cocky, not confident. "I want it to change," she said. She handled him very well. He interrupted her and she said, "let me talk." A few minutes later, he tried to interrupt her with someone else and she said, "I will talk to you later." And yet he continued to lurk around, glum and anxious. He lost his temper with Pilot Peter when Peter tried to talk to Hannah. Luke was spiraling.
He intercepted Hannah in the hall, and Hannah was like, "I promise I will talk to you, but I call my own shots." He was annoying her. Luke went back to the dudes and said he couldn't handle the process and was thinking about going home. Kinda dramatic, but OK. Meanwhile, Hannah had a nice date with Pilot Peter. He lifted her up above his head and made out with her against a wall. It's hard to say who's going to win, because Hannah seems to like a lot of these guys. Before she gave out the group date rose, Hannah pulled Luke aside and was like, "pull it together, dude." Then she gave the rose to Pilot Peter.
PETER IS PERF #TheBachelorette— Hannah Harris (@hannah_bean02) May 28, 2019
Cam told all the guys that he needed to talk to Hannah first at the rose ceremony cocktail party because he had something really important to tell her. Mike spoke for everyone and said, "B.S., no." But Cam pulled her aside anyway and told her he almost lost his leg because of some kind of condition and he had to have several surgeries and his grandmother died and he had to give away his puppy. Hannah smiled politely. "Cam is working his ass off for a pity rose," Mike noted.
Mike went to Hannah and editorialized on what Cam said to the guys — Cam never said he was trying to get a pity rose, you know? — but it worked, and it seemed like Hannah knew something was up because she pulled Cam aside and called him "schemey and slimy" and desperate and calculated.
Alabama Hannah is calling him out... and I 👏🏼 AM 👏🏼HERE 👏🏼FOR 👏🏼 IT! #TheBachelorette— Lindsey Leyhe (@heyimlinds) May 28, 2019
The show threw as curveball at the rose ceremony. The traditional narrative would be that Cam gets the rose so that he has a final blowout confrontation with Mike in the next episode, but Hannah was done with Cam. On behalf of America, I say thank you, Hannah.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It's available to stream on Hulu.