The Chad Show continued apace on Monday's The Bachelorette, the first of two new episodes this week. The straight-shooting (aka rude) Oklahoman went from devilishly entertaining villain to full-on threat to safety this week, totally alienating almost every other man in the house. When Evan roasted Chad during the group date, he set a chain of events in motion that could end with him catching a beating, and blew the tension between Chad and everyone else into all-out hostility. Chad wants to kill everyone, even JoJo, and his barely-suppressed rage is almost ready to completely explode. You can feel the heat coming off of him through the TV. He and somebody, most likely Alex, will almost surely be getting into a physical altercation on tomorrow's episode. But tonight, his malevolent presence contributed to some of the most awkward moments The Bachelorette has ever seen. There were almost too many to count, but here are the top 10.
10. Daniel's sex life sounds wild
Daniel was in fine form this week. While the other guys were uncomfortable and nervous to have to tell sex stories in front of an audience, Daniel loved it, and his story was by far the most graphic and revealing. He told a story about tying a woman up and cutting off a piece of her hair that was so fetish-y and weird that I almost can't believe that even the little bit we got was on primetime network TV. Daniel's a freak, and now everyone knows it. I hope his mom's not watching. Also, I love that Wells' threesome fart story was only glimpsed and never explained. That's our second Bachelorette mystery of the season, after "what's in Santa's box?"
9. Even Daniel doesn't want to hang out with Chad anymore
Daniel's greatest moment this week, though, was his hysterical powwow with Chad about how Chad's misbehavior reflects poorly on him, Chad's only friend. He tried to explain his feelings via the world's worst analogy: "Let's pretend you're Hitler. If I'm friends with you --"
"Let's not pretend I'm Hitler," Chad indignantly interjects.
"Let's just say it," insists Daniel.
"Let's not say it."
"Okay, so you're Donald Trump or something," Daniel obliges, in a wonderful moment of inadvertent metacommentary, since Chad is incredibly Trump-like. "If I hang out with you, it makes me look bad too, right? So let's not be so much like Hitler, maybe be more like Mussolini. Or Bush. Let's take it down a notch."
Throughout this whole exchange, Chad was munching on a sweet potato like it was an apple. The whole thing was so funny I had to stop watching and tell my colleague what was happening to try and share the moment with her. God bless Daniel. He's so magnificently dumb.
8. The security guards don't look like they'd be able to handle Chad
The show hired security guards to keep the peace with Chad in the house — which seems either like overkill or a lot more work than just booting him off the show, but hey, it's not my money — an awkward move in and of itself. But the security guards they hired are old and out-of-shape, especially compared to Chad, a 28-year-old former Marine who lifts weights like he's in a prison yard. Unless they're armed, they won't be able to stop Chad if he goes full Rambo. And it will be incredibly awkward to watch them try, if it comes to that.
7. Chad doesn't want to go on the group date
When Chad found out he was going on the group date, he had a very honest reaction, saying, "Honestly, I don't even wanna go. I'd rather you guys go, do your thing, and just get a one-on-one later." The other guys surely think this, but Chad says it, in breach of Bachelorette decorum, which is that you act grateful for every moment you get to spend in JoJo's presence. But Chad isn't playing by the rules, and that infuriates the other guys. They want Chad to face consequences for his actions, but like Trump, normal consequences don't apply. But the other guys try to cut Chad down by insulting him. "Whatever team Chad's on, let's hope it's a bench press competition, not a spelling contest." Jordan cracks. "You're a 27-year-old failed football player," Chad snaps back. "You've done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather." Chad tells Evan to stop talking, foreshadowing their later confrontation. It comes to a head when Chad asks Alex if he wants to stop outside. "Boy, this is awkward," somebody says. "That escalated quickly," somebody else says, an Anchorman reference that underscores that this is a house full of bros.
6. Evan and Chad will never apologize
After the shirt-ripping incident, which we'll get to a little later, Evan confronted Chad while a group of guys were sitting all around them by asking if he can talk to him. Chad, clearly expecting an apology from Evan for badmouthing him, was like "Whatever, bro." To his surprise, Evan asked "Why are you here?" implying that Chad is Here For The Wrong Reasons And Not Here For JoJo. Chad could't believe it. Evan continued to come at him, saying "You owe me an apology and a shirt," which was a pretty funny line. Then Chad got really real, dropping what sounds to me like a warning:
"You're ridiculous, man. You're trying to bully me or something. Leave me alone. I don't have a problem with you, just stay away. Do your own thing. Leave me alone, man. Stop talking about me. Stop trying to bump into me. Stop trying to work out when I'm working out. Stop trying to cook when I'm cooking. Just stay away."
Chad implied that Evan hates him because he wants to be like him, and Chad is not flattered and will not teach him his ways. Then Grant said, "I'm going to do my own thing" and got up and walked away. That cued the rest of the guys to exit the horribly tense moment, too, leaving Evan and Vinny to sit there like a couple of chumps. Later Chad observed that Grant looks like Handsome Squidward, retroactively beating the internet to the joke.
5. The yoga date
Okay, let's break from Chad for a minute. One of this episode's two one-on-ones was between JoJo and Chase, who is emerging as a possible runner-up to Jordan. Maybe he'll be the next Bachelor. They went on a hot yoga date, during which several awkward things happened. The instructor asked, pretty much by way of introduction, "How long have you guys been intimate?" After a long pause, JoJo said, "Never? We met about a week ago." The most awkward part of that is asking "How long have you been intimate?" Maybe that's how you ask relationship status in yoga teacher world, which is populated by people who know how to align chakras but not how to talk without sounding like it's always Woodstock where they are. Then she instructed JoJo and Chase to have an "angergasm" by screaming and kicking their feet like they're having a temper tantrum. Then JoJo and Chase got into a pose where she was straddling him and they were looking into each other's eyes. Then they started making out. It was too intimate. I felt like I shouldn't be watching.
4. Evan's ultimatum
Evan took JoJo aside and gave her an ultimatum: either Chad goes or I go. But he forgot a crucial rule of ultimatums, which is that you only make them from a position of strength. Evan seems to think JoJo has to make a decision about this, but she doesn't owe him anything at all. She could (and should) send them both home and never think of either of them ever again. But instead, she gave him a rose and didn't send Chad home, therefore revealing Evan's ultimatum to be empty. If he meant it, he would have rejected the rose and quit the show. Instead he just made out with her a little bit and said he did it for his kids, and that he can't wait to tell them, "Boys, guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo," which is creepy.
3. Dad gives Chad a talking-to
Evan got a rose, but he still wanted to get rid of Chad. Since JoJo wasn't going to do it, he went to Chris Harrison, telling the house's parental figure about all the mean things Chad has done. So Chris called Chad over and basically told him, Son, if you can't behave yourself, you're going to be grounded (sent back to Tulsa). It reminded Chad that he's not in control of his own fate, and that royally pissed him off. He wanted to rip everyone's arms and legs off and throw the torsos in the pool.
2. Chad snaps at JoJo
When JoJo revealed that she had given the group date rose to Evan, Chad was livid. JoJo noticed, and asked him, "Are you good?"
"Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now?" Chad fumed. "You're actually vibing this dude?"
"Yeah, and I don't appreciate what you're doing," she said. "Don't be disrespectful. I don't like that." This was a turning point, where JoJo finally started to see what everyone else was seeing. And she put him in his place. Between this and the Chris Harrison moment, Chad was reminded that this is still The Bachelorette, not The Chad Show. And the other guys loved it.
"Right in front of everybody, the most awkward moment I have ever been a part of. It's awesome," Alex gloated. "I'm going to DVR this and watch it over and over again."
1. Evan's roast of Chad, Chad's non-story and the aftermath
Chad got publicly humiliated a number of times this episode. The worst was when Evan used his time onstage during the storytelling group date to mock Chad. Under the guise of talking about his job as an erectile dysfunction specialist, Evan warned about the dangers of steroid use, which was all directed at Chad, who is allegedly on Barry Bonds levels of juice. The camera cut to Chad, and he clearly wanted to murder Evan.
Evan took a big risk by doing what he did. He's a lot smaller than Chad, and Chad has made it clear that he's willing to get violent. Evan stood up to a bully by publicly humiliating him, which makes bullies even angrier (look at Trump and his small hands). Evan is entering very dangerous territory here. His mouth is writing the proverbial check that his butt can't cash.
When Evan returned to his seat, he had to pass Chad, and Chad grabbed the back of his shirt, ripping it. Chad then went up onstage to tell his embarrassing sex story, which he refused to do. Instead he called JoJo up to the stage and tried to kiss her. She turned her face away. And there, onstage in front of competitors and strangers, the flaw of Chad's game was revealed. His unwillingness to play along has taken him out of competition. His unorthodox strategy has taken him so far out of bounds that he's no longer in the game. He's up in the announcer's booth insulting players over the loudspeaker.
Then he got violent, punching a door and cutting his hand. He put his hand on Evan's throat and threatened to kill him. It wasn't funny. But it was super awkward.
The episode ended on a cliff-hanger, with the rose ceremony postponed until after Tuesday's episode's pool party, which will probably be no fun. Chase, Evan and James T. already have roses. So I'll see you tomorrow, when we discuss whatever Chad does next.