This week The Bachelorette was completely swallowed by Chad, this season's meathead villain. Some non-Chad stuff happened, but it was overshadowed by Chad's "super douche" behavior. The nonstop insults, the radical honesty, the meatheadedness — in more ways than one — allowed Chad to suck up all the oxygen this week. Honestly, it was too much Chad, because he so thoroughly dominated the episode that other, more worthy contestants didn't get any time to shine (and from the looks of it, that's going to be the case next week too). And other than the information about Chad's mother recently passing and him inheriting her Maltese-Yorkie puppy, we didn't learn anything new about him or get any real insight into his character. He's too one-dimensional of a villain. He seems to be working closely with the producers to develop the persona — for example, it's unlikely to be a coincidence that the person he tried to steal JoJo from was Alex, his nemesis — and it's already become grating.
You know who I like, though? Wells. On a show full of beefcakes and meatheads, Wells is scrawny and out-of-shape. I relate to him for that. And I respect that he made it on to the show and advanced through at least two weeks despite being the opposite of what a typical Bachelorette contestant is supposed to look like. He's keeping hope alive for the regular guys, who don't have the time or dedication or desire to spend three hours a day at the gym and subsist entirely on protein shakes.
Speaking of protein shakes, let's get to the awkward moments.
8. Chad's truly incomprehensible protein shake analogy
I'm going to transcribe it here, because this little speech is a thing of insane beauty: "If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would be, like, have zero chance." Haha, whaaaaat? Do you think a producer fed Chad the line and then he forgot it, and the blown take made it into the show to make him look stupid? Because Chad is a lot of things, but he doesn't seem as stupid as this moment makes him out to be. Poor Daniel, though, really does appear to be that stupid. The fact that he gets along so well with Chad reflects poorly on him.
7."Last time I pulled hose like that was probably back home when I was at my apartment"
Oh, Daniel, don't talk; just flex. Speaking is not your strong suit. If I hear you make a "that's what she said" joke, I'm reporting you to immigration.
6. Wells being rewarded for his failure
Skinny, Orlando Bloom-like Wells was completely out of his element in the firefighting challenge, which required strength and endurance radio DJs don't need as part of their day-to-day operations. I mean, he was competing against an actual firefighter. It was so physically overwhelming for him that he had to lie down, because he was white as a sheet and about to pass out. As if that wasn't humiliating enough, everyone was nice about it, like "you all right, bro?" They started to view him as something like a kid, not a competitor. JoJo came over and sat with him as he recovered, which actually bought him some unexpected one-on-one time, much to the chagrin of the other guys who were showing off how strong they are. He didn't give up though, and jumped back in. He didn't win, but he still got a group date rose for his persistence. It felt like a certificate of participation though. Pity roses are against the brutal nature of the show, even for good guys like Wells. He'll never feel like he earned it.
5. The corny victory dances
The only fun thing that Chad actually participated in was the ESPN challenge where the guys had to come up with a touchdown celebration dance. Everyone's dances were terribly embarrassing, even Jordan Rodgers, who should do better, because he's scored touchdowns before. But he, along with Christian, went for a modified "Gangnam Style" horse dance. Nick did a silly thing where he pretended to be in a the shower. Chad did a cartwheel and picked JoJo up. "Very good, you are all very embarrassing," said ESPN host Max Kellerman, putting a button on the moment.
4. Chad's douchebag workout plan
Chad hung his suitcase — which was of course full of protein powder and supplements — from his waist and did shirtless pull-ups from the support beam of the porch. It was such an over-the-top performance of alpha male cockiness that it bordered on self-parody. The guys inside the house who saw him started hilariously busting on him. "It's a gift from above" to see such a vulgar display of power, James S. said sardonically. Someone, I think it was Jordan, said, "We've found a rare meathead in the wild" in a Crocodile Hunter voice. It's secondhand embarrassing to see someone so un-self-aware.
3. Chad calling JoJo "naggy"
Chad, seriously, are you an idiot? For someone who seems so certain he knows what JoJo wants, he's pretty clueless about how to talk to her. "Naggy" is a word you avoid when talking to a woman if you don't want her to hate you. Everyone knows that.
2. Chad eating literally all the food in the entire house
Chad had skipped his protein shake to free up calories for the spread at the cocktail party, and he went into beast mode on the hors d'oeuvres. His feeding frenzy was so excessive that it began to seem like he's only on the show for the free food. The other guys continued to make fun of him during their confessionals, which were the funniest moments of the night. "When you miss a meal and you look like that, it's detrimental to your progress," said James S. "At least that's what I've heard from him. I wouldn't know." I'm going to miss James S.'s droll sense of humor. "He would take an IV of meat if he could get one," said Luke. "Chad has taken the term meathead to a whole unparalleled level," said Grant. Chad was even munching on meat during the rose ceremony.
1. Ali getting caught in the middle of Chad and Alex's gorilla fight
Ali barely appeared this week except for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was standing outside, talking with Chad, when Alex came over to confront him about being a JoJo-hog and a bad person. Ali, who seems like a chill, quiet, nonconfrontational dude, just kind of stood there while Chad and Alex almost came to blows. Would he have tried to break up the fight if it had happened! Guys, don't put Ali in this position! He just wants to play piano, have beautiful eyebrows and mind his own business!
In the end, James S., Brandon and Will got eliminated. Next week there are two episodes, which means a double dose of Chad. Things are going to get very ugly.