After 11 long weeks of nonstop drama, The Bachelor brought Colton Underwood's season to a close Tuesday night, with the second half of a four-hour, two-part finale. And after all that heartbreak and disappointment, almost everyone got what they wanted: Colton got Cassie, Hannah Brown got The Bachelorette, and Chris Harrison got to say, "Will he get Cassie back, or will he remain a virgin forever?" The only person we can't say for certain got what they wanted is Cassie. It's hard to say what Cassie wants. She seems happy, at least.
The episode started with Colton going to Cassie's hotel. She didn't seem as surprised to see him as you'd think. But then as they went outside to talk she started to take deep, nervous breaths. Colton told her that watching her walk away was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. Hate to see her go, love to watch her leave. She was stunned when he told her he'd ended things with Tayshia and Hannah because he couldn't imagine being with them when he could be with her. He asked her to take it day by day, day by day, oh dear Lord, three things I pray.
Colton: "I broke up with two other women for you"— Connor Dougherty (@the_CONN_man_) March 13, 2019
Cassie: "AWWWW REALLY?!?!?! 😍😍"#TheBachelor
"That's crazy," Cassie said. She was just trying to process the situation. She said she wanted to be sure of how she felt before she took the plunge. She didn't want him to resent her. He said he never would. So you're sure? she asked. I think Colton used to have an earring. He told her he just wanted to show her how much she meant to him. Then she broke out into a huge smile. She was back onboard. "I'm, like, shaking now," she said. She thought it was hilarious that he jumped the fence. He invited her to meet his family in Spain. She said OK, and that she wasn't sure what she was ready for, but she was down to take it a day at a time. And that was it! Easier than I thought it was going to be.
If they already got back together 10 minutes in, I can't wait to see what new drama the producers have in store for the next 110 #TheBachelor— Catherine Wiacek (@DivaCath) March 13, 2019
Then it was off to the island of Mallorca, where they were gonna have the final rose ceremony, and I guess still will? Colton reunited with his family, who he told "I'm no longer a virgin." AWKWARD. They thought that was hilarious. And it kinda was! Then he told them what really happened with Cassie. He's in love with Cassie, he said, but at this point, she is not. Cassie arrived and she was so nervous. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying. Or maybe from that California medicine she takes for her 'anxiety!' (That's a joke. I'm not starting a rumor Cassie's a huge stoner.) Colton said that maybe, he was hoping, she'd the be in love with him by the end of the week. Start the clock!
He tried to calm her down by saying he's not freaking out, which was true. Colton was calm. His dad asked them to define the relationship, and they said they see thee more clearly, love thee more dearly, day by day. Cassie told the family it was hard knowing that she wasn't going to be able to live up to what they were expecting for that day.
Colton's mom pulled him aside and was like, "Are you sure about this, my son? I don't think this girl is that into you." His parents were really, really skeptical that Cassie would reciprocate Colton's love. "We still sit with the possibility that he will be heartbroken at the end of this," Colton's dad said. Cassie told them that like Luke Wilson in Idiocracy, she's Not Sure. Colton's dad asked Colton if maybe his love for Cassie was just wanting what he can't have, which is a good question. Dad started crying and telling Colton how much he loved seeing him be in love before and how hurt he was when he saw his son's heart broken. But Colton would rather risk getting his heart broken than risk losing Cassie. I mean, there you go. He made up his mind. That was crazy, though. She couldn't even commit to dating him for the rest of the week, let alone being in love with him.
I want to tell her to stop leading him on but he is FORCING her to lead him on. #TheBachelor— Racquel Perez (@rockynga) March 13, 2019
Then it was time for Colton and Cassie's final date on the show. Colton was wearing a nice suede jacket. Cassie said that the day was about figuring it out once and for all. They rappelled down a cliff to get to a picnic basket left for them at the bottom. They got down to the bottom, and Colton was like "what is your hesitation with being in a relationship with me?" And she told him about a controlling ex who planned out when he was going to propose to her. She's worried about losing herself in the relationship. He told her he wants her to live her life. Why couldn't she say that before? And, uh, Cassie, did you forget what show you're on? The whole point of the show is to get into a relationship.
During dinner, they decided to forgo their separate rooms and headed to the fantasy suite. The bed was very comfortable. Colton told the producers and crew in the suite that he loved them, but it was time for them to go. The audio guy said, "Good luck, guys." Back in the studio, Chris Harrison teased that we might be about to find out if Colton lost his virginity. Chill out, Chris Harrison!
But before we got that answer, we checked in with a bunch of randos like Chris the Goose and Onyeka. It was to fill time. I've said it once and I'll say it again: Cut these panels from the Hulu version. There were a lot of jokes about Colton prematurely ejaculating. Weird and gross!
Then it was back to the fantasy suite for one last Colton shower scene. Colton said they did what was best for their relationship, but "a gentleman never kisses and tells." But he said they were finally on the same page.
In the studio after a break, Colton and Cassie made their first public appearance together..."We're super in love," according to Cassie. They've talked about getting engaged, but they're not ready to get engaged. Colton moved to Los Angeles, but they're not living together. Then we flashed back to Colton and Cassie's happy couple weekends. And they did seem happy together. They watched a video of Cassie reading from her journal about Colton from early in the process. She managed to fall in love with him. But what changed? How did she get there?
Oh, Colton never gave her a final rose before, so he gave it to her during the live show. And then they got a free trip to Thailand. Lucky. And then Chris Harrison asked if Colton lost his virginity in the fantasy suite, and Colton said they were going to keep that to themselves. "So I'm going to take that as a yes," Chris Harrison said. Weird! Then '80s soft rock relics Air Supply performed "Making Love Out of Nothing At All," because what resonates more with millennials than a band that wasn't even cool when their parents were young? Baffling choice to end Colton and Cassie's story.
Then it was time to unveil Hannah B. as the next Bachelorette. I liked her long, crinkly sleeve. Chris Harrison rolled a clip of her finding out she got the gig. Hannah is not great at talking, man. It might be a problem. Then they did that thing where they have the Bachelorette meet her first five guys. One of the guys looked just like Nick Viall. She gave a rose to one of them, Cam, which is a mistake. That guy is going in with too great of an advantage.
The Bachelor will return for Season 24 next year. It's available to stream on Hulu. The Bachelorette premieres May 13 on ABC.