Our beloved Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) is the hero of Riverdale, but the ginger-knight in shining armor isn't perfect. He's been known to let those rampant teenage hormones and raging testosterone get the better of him of more than one occasion. But you can relate, right?
Of course you can! We've all made some questionable choices at times, but which of Archie's most insane decisions do you relate to most? We mapped out some of his biggest (and dumbest) moments and assigned them to the signs of the zodiac. Yes, it's time to get dragged, so buckle up.
Archie-ism: Becoming an FBI informant on your girlfriend's dad, who is a mob boss
Reasoning: Aries are the first of the star signs, so they have a fiercely independent spirit... which often leads to them to biting off more than they can chew. That's just what Archie did when he tried to take care of his dad, who was healing from a gunshot wound, while also trying to keep up with school, catch a serial killer, work for the mob and inform on Hiram (Mark Conseulos) at the same time! Just writing that was exhausting.
Archie-ism: Starting a street fight with the South Side Serpents (in the rain)
Reasoning: There's a reason the Taurus symbol is a bull. They like to do things their way and are hard to persuade otherwise, which is exactly how Archie ended up in a street fight with his best friend's gang over sharing some locker space.
Archie-ism: Kissing your best friend's girlfriend in a murderer-chasing adrenaline rush
Reasoning: Geminis are the most adaptable sign in the zodiac, but it also means they are prone to mood changes. Please see Archie kissing Betty (Lili Reinhart) ridiculously soon after she and Jughead broke up because being chased by a serial killer apparently puts you in the mood? (Then the mood never came back again. Weird.)
Archie-ism: Having an affair with your teacher because she ~supports your dream~
Reasoning: Cancers are the most sensitive of all the zodiac signs, and Archie's heart lead him straight into a predatory relationship because he thought Ms. Grundy (Sarah Habel) was the only one who supported his dream of being a musician. If you are upset about this call out, we have something for you.
Archie-ism: Calling the cops on a drag race your friend needed to win
Reasoning: Leos are charismatic and characteristically the most confident of the zodiac signs, but they also need the most attention. Jughead (Cole Sprouse) had a great plan to quell the rising tension between the Serpents and the Ghoulies and would have won the street race he needed to do it — but Archie stepped in to be the hero and called the cops instead. Archie's inability to take a backseat almost cost Jughead his life later on!
Archie-ism: Telling Hiram Lodge how you're going to take him down
Reasoning: Virgos are the logisticians, but it comes back to bite them in the butt when they need to be the smartest person in the room. Pro tip: If you're going to tell a mob boss how you plan to send him back to jail, make sure he doesn't have the tools to frame you for murder!
Archie-ism: Joining the mob to impress your girlfriend's dad
Reasoning: Libras are the peacekeepers and as such need everyone to like them, including gangsters who will literally ruin your life if you cross them. Archie even sold out his own dad to score points with Hiram. Was it worth it, bro? We think not.
Archie-ism: Beating up Nick St. Clair (Graham Phillips)
Reasoning: Hell hath no fury like a scorned Scorpio — the most passionate of the signs. "Oh, you want to make a pass at my girl and be a creep and get away with it? I don't think so, even if you already have two broken legs!" — Archie, probably, before he beat up a kid that could barely walk. Breathe Scorpios, there are better ways to deal with things.
Archie-ism: The Red Circle video
Reasoning: The Red Circle video is the "Look What You Made Me Do" of Riverdale, so naturally it should fall under T-Swift's sun sign. Sags are notoriously impulsive and don't think things through all the time — like making a video with your shirtless bros declaring war on a serial killer who already tried to kill your dad and you.
Archie-ism: Going undercover at the Serpent bar in your letterman jacket
Reasoning: Capricorns are go-getters and well-disciplined, but their arrogance can cause them to trip up. Archie was determined to find out who killed Jason Blossom in Season 1 of Riverdale — so determined that he decided to wear his high school letterman jacket to a bar in the middle of the day as if no one would recognize the ginger-haired quarterback of the small town high school. Oy vey.
Archie-ism: "I was born alone. I'll die alone. I'll sing alone."
Reasoning: OK, this isn't a decision made by Archie, but it is a real thing he said before the Riverdale High talent show. Aquarius is the creative sign of the zodiac, but it's also a little bit weird. We mean that in the best way. Luna Lovegood is an Aquarius! But you're weird. (Not to be confused with Jughead being weird.)
Archie-ism: Going to prison to spare your family the stress of a trial
Reasoning: The great thing about Pisces is that they care, they really do! They also tend to have a bit of a victim/savior complex which is exactly what led Archie to send himself to juvie after a mistrial. Like, did he not know that's actually a good thing? He could have cleared his name completely instead of being locked up! Now we have to deal with an underground prison boxing ring. Thanks, Pisces Archie!
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW.
(Full disclosure: TV Guide is owned by CBS, one of The CW's parent companies)