[Warning: The following contains spoilers for the latest episode of The Masked Singer.]
It's been five weeks now since The Masked Singer crawled, flew, hopped and whatever unicorns do into our delicate little psyches and it's hard to argue we're not better for it. Until now we could not know how high the ceiling for televised absurdity could go, that Sexy Aliens were a thing or that watching someone struggle to get out of an oversized poodle head could bring so much joy. Yet here we are, and we are not going back — forever altered and irreversibly hypnotized by this nonsense, which is already scheduled to return for another season.
The Masked Singer switched up the format this week, getting underway with a pre-show ditty that had Rabbit, Lion, Alien and Unicorn briefly perform together. If we didn't know before, this moment laid all their personas bare: Alien stands for sex appeal; Rabbit is the bunny version of Eminem; Unicorn is the grand diva; and Lion is the queen of them all.
After Rabbit's s0-so rendition of Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison," host Nick Cannon announced that the remaining singers had to bring an item reflective of their identity, and Rabbit brought out a magician's kit. This was probably a red herring, as much of one as Nick's somewhat disappointingly subdued attire this week. Gone were his patterns, sequins, headgear and other accoutrement from weeks past. In their place was a simple pant-and-waistcoat ensemble that looked like something Snoop would wear if he managed a high-end hotel. Hopefully the mad sartorial genius waiting in the dark recesses of his closet will be back next week! Anyway, if you wanna see who got exposed, scroll to the end.
Rabbit's performance made Ken Jeong, crankier than anyone has ever seen him, admit he'd been annoyed with Rabbit up until now because he kept doing that method actor ticking thing (it is pretty annoying), but this was the best he'd ever seen him. He guessed that Rabbit, who sounded winded and maybe a little nervous at times, might've been Donnie Wahlberg, Jenny McCarthy's own husband. Mmmkay, Ken. Sure.
Unicorn came next, detailing in her little intro package how dressing up like the bride at a wedding that took place inside of a rave made her go from self-doubt and low self-esteem to pride and confidence. Singing Icona Pop's "I Love It," she sounded sweet and innocent. Fun fact: Robin Thicke revealed here that he loves this song, a revelation that is at once surprising and retroactively so obvious, and a possible hint at an 'untz untz' album to come. Unicorn had almost no stage presence, just pumping her fists. Her physical object clue was was a typewriter, which almost didn't matter as the panel guessed Lauren Conrad and Denise Richards, neither of whom are known for their literary prowess.
Alien followed, mooing out "Happy" by Pharrell Williams in a way that made it sound like she was singing while getting a massage. Her intro, which hinted at craving the simple life and included the line "That's hot," led the gang to make the very good guesses she was Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie. But it was her last clue, a police badge, that gave Nicole Scherzinger the bright idea Alien might be LaToya Jackson — another solid guess given the snake in the intro that's probably an allusion to her famous Playboy shoot of 1989.
Lion — who the internet is convinced is Rumer Willis — came out and slayed Sia's "California Dreamin'", but the best part of that performance was when Nicole said, "I think I know that voice," and Ken snapped, "You say that every week." Yup, Ken is cranky and I'm here for it. The panel guessed Kesha, Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child and Mel B of Spice Girls, none of which felt quite right, and also left the Rumer Willis theory in doubt. Obviously Lion is going to be here a while; we may need Robert Mueller's team to untangle this for us. In the end, Unicorn was unmasked, revealing Beverly Hills princess Tori Spelling, which Ken guessed long ago. The typewriter was her dad's, and she's discovered the unicorn within. Aw!