Shoutout to the top-shelf haters over on the Bachelor subreddit for pointing out that Chris, the worst guy currently on Bachelor in Paradise, posted a (since-deleted) photo of himself on Instagram before last night's episode with a truly brain-hurting caption. It's some Billy Madison-ass content that makes no sense and shows that he didn't understand how bad the show was about to make him look. There's no going back after looking at this, so don't say I didn't warn you.
For emphasis: "Sitting here before tonight's episode thinking, Tia and Colton's relationship reminds me of a phone with no service. When there's no service, you play games. For me, tonight I decide if I want to stay on this wireless bill with potential penalties and fees or transfer to a better plan that suits me long term."
Buddy. What is this? Is this an attempt to get a sponsored content deal with a very shady wireless provider that sells your data to payday lenders? "Even if he was a burner track phone neither the Barksdale or Stanfield organizations would use him," Redditor wellgroomedmcpoyle commented. Shoutout to wellgroomedmcpoyle, who has excellent taste in TV (The Wire, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Bachelor in Paradise).
I guess Chris is comparing Krystal to a better wireless plan? A blonde wireless plan? A kind of wireless plan he's never kissed before? It's a very weak metaphor that falls apart under very slight scrutiny!
Tia and Colton both weighed in in the comments. "This is confusing, but basically you're Cricket Wireless... I'm AT&T," Colton wrote. Point: Colton. And Tia wrote "Oh you decide huh? Interesting."
Just to recap: Chris expended a ton of energy working to sabotage Colton and Tia's relationship (not that that relationship needed his help in collapsing) and then when Tia came back to him, he told her he wasn't interested in anyone else. Then he turned around and started making out with Krystal. Chris branded himself as a cheater, and people don't like cheaters. Tia's "oh you decide huh?" foreshadows that her "we need to talk" that ended last night's episode is going to get savage.
And then, as if the caption wasn't proof enough of Chris' questionable judgement and writing ability, a blog post he wrote called "Pleasuring a Woman: The benefits, The Path to an Orgasm, and The Negative Effects if She's NOT Pleasured" went viral on the Bachelor internet Thursday. HuffPost confirmed that Chris did indeed write the post, which contains nuggets of wisdom like, "This is a no brainer but women become more relaxed, mentally stable, and limit stress with frequent orgasms [sic]."
Thanks for explaining, Dr. Sex! Other bits of Chris content can be found on his Medium page.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.