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Bachelor in Paradise: All the Girls on This Beach (and Colton) Deserve Better

Let's take a poll!

Megan Vick

The men of Bachelor in Paradise really let the power of the rose go to their heads this week and all of the supposedly reformed douche-nozzles showed their true colors on Tuesday's episode. It went a little something like this...

To kick things off we continued our throwback to The Bachelorette with Becca's weird AF visit to the island. She and Colton had their heart-to-heart where he got to ask point blank if Tia wrecked his chances with her. Becca still swears that Tia didn't ruin their chances at love -- she just felt more with the other three guys -- and she just wants Colton to find love on his own. It feels like everyone has accepted that won't be with Tia though, thank God.

Becca did help Colton find some closure though and pushed him to stay and give Paradise chance. She related to him because after the Bachelor producers filmed her devastating heartbreak, she only had a few weeks to get mentally in the mindset to be The Bachelorette. She thinks he should push through the heartache and really find what he wants just like she did! I think she could have saved him a lot (and allowed us more Yuki screen time) if she had thought about how much they relate to each other before she blindsided him on the beach... but what can you do? These producers are savage.

In other news, Chris is "not threatened at all" by Colton, but literally can't stop talking about how threatened he is.



Next, Jordan made his play for villain of the week. Yes, he's funny but he did Annaliese real dirty the second Jenna showed up with her coconuts. He accepted Jenna's date card without even warning Annaliese he was interested in someone else and our poor girl had to watch everyone else -- including Tia -- cheer Jordan on in ditching her. It was rough.

It didn't get better for Annaliese when Jordan and Jenna returned from their date that included horseback riding, blurred butts and beachfront make-outs. The date was "fantastic," Jordan told Annaliese multiple times before confirming he was going to give Jenna his rose -- you know, unless she dumped him and then he would be totally up for giving Annaliese another shot. Dude, seriously?

In another throwback to Becca's season of The Bachelorette, David decided on the same night that Jenna was the only woman on the beach he wanted to talk to. David is obsessed with Jordan and it's just another leftover Becca storyline that no one wants more of, but it did lead to this beautiful A++ Jordan insult. Ugh, he's the worst but he's so entertaining. WHY DOES THIS SHOW DO THIS.

Listen, we need some good news out this whole s--tshow and so we turn to Venmo John who became the most desired bachelor on the entire beach. You have no idea how stressful it was thinking we'd have to choose between Venmo John and Grocery Store Joe, who were both vying for Kendall. Joe won that battle but John got right back in the saddle and scored back-to-back dates -- one with the sweet, if distracted, Caroline and the other with bombshell Jubilee.

It was kind of awkward watching Caroline constantly cut John off to name the animals running around them, but hearing that she was in an emotionally troubling relationship before Paradise made us feel like she deserves a sweetheart like John. It's cute! But Jubilee came in with her Army-toned body, beautiful hair and mega-watt smile and John was basically like, "Caroline, who?" Besides being a knockout, Jubilee is also a genuine nerd and already appreciates John for the gift that he is. But now our sweetheart is also juggling two hearts in his programmer hands...

Back on the beach, Kenny tried to make things official with Krystal but got shut down. This led to an illuminating metaphor about cheese that would have blown our minds except it was intercut with Chris. Making. Out. With. Krystal. No joke, moments after telling Tia that he was "all in" for her, homeboy went and played tonsil hockey with Krystal. He's now officially kissed a blonde and is the grossest dude on the beach. Congrats, sir.

Chris, thinking he's a baller now, bragged to all of his bros about his late-night hook up so half the cast knew about it before breakfast was over, including Colton. Don't worry, Colton still isn't interested in dating Tia, but he at least had enough respect for her to give her a heads up that Chris sucks. This was also underlined by Chris and Jordan having a bro-sesh and comparing women to meal courses, like the stand-up gentlemen they are. We have to wait a whole week to see Tia completely lose her s--t on Chris.

It was a really, really rough week for romance on Paradise this week. Who made your stomach turn the most though? Let's take a poll!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.