Question: I'd like some scoop on The 4400. Answer: Wouldn't we all? We're going to meet a woman named Sara who claims to be Maia's sister. But she may have a secret agenda. (And no, this is not the top-secret role that Tippi Hedren will be playing.)
Question: I have to ask about your CSI scoop from last week — is Lady Heather the person who points out Grissom's and Sara's feelings? She is the expert on fantasy fulfillment, after all. Answer: No, it's someone we've never met before. Sorry if I made it seem like he/she was a pivotal character.
Question: I hear you went to a little gathering recently in honor of the wonderful Mariska Hargitay. Do tell? Answer: That was supposed to be a secret! Man, you're good. (Now, remind me because I had a lot to drink that night: Where exactly was this party and who was responsible for sending out the invites?)
Question: I hear bribery sometimes works in getting answers, so I'll send you a couple of Snapple bottles if you answer me this: What happened to Vincent on Lost? Last we knew, Shannon was taking care of him. Answer: Get that packing slip ready, Brent: We'll see Vincent in next week's episode and then again in the finale.
Question: I'm so excited! John Stamos is returning to ER next season as a series regular!Answer: Now are you ready for the bad news?! There are rumblings that a (SPOILER ALERT) major character will be leaving early next season to make room in the budget for Stamos' sizable paycheck. The leading candidates are Kovac or Weaver, one of whom may end up taking the fall for hiring Clemente. But at this point, that's pure speculation. The only thing I'm (90 percent) sure of is that John Leguizamo is history. (And no, his is not the big death I've been referring to.)
Question: Any scoop on NCIS? Answer: Yes, major prattle-poopage: In the season finale, we're finally going to catch a glimpse (via flashback) of Gibbs' late wife, Shannon, and we may learn how she died. We'll also meet someone else from his past who I'm fairly certain we never knew existed. But since I don't watch this show religiously, I can't be 100 percent certain.
Question: I shall now ask the question that everyone has been asking: WTF has happened with Michael and Walt? When will their hiatus end? Answer: Didn't I already tell you guys we'd see Michael again during May sweeps? And I'm guessing where there's Michael, there's Walt.
Question: Any news on Scrubs? Answer: You mean aside from talk that ABC will almost certainly pick up the show should NBC cancel it? Let's see… Markie Post is returning as Elliott's mom on April 18, and on April 25, one of the world's funniest people, ex-Hot Properties stitch Nicole Sullivan, pops in as a former patient of J.D.'s. BTW, the fantasy bit last week in which J.D. visited that pound for stray Grandpas? One of the funniest things I've seen — ever. And don't even get me started about last night's revelation that J.D. and Turk watch Gilmore Girls. I swear, sometimes I think Bill Lawrence is making this show just for me.
Question: I read a rumor that Abruzzi and Lincoln are going to be killed off Prison Break. Can you confirm this? Answer: All I can confirm is that three people will get whacked in the final two episodes — and one of them will be a prisoner.
Question: Can you shed any light on who'll win Sunday's West Wing election? Answer: Get out your dry-erase board 'cause Ask Ausiello is calling Texas for Santos and — holy crap — California for Vinick! Talk about a nail-biter!
Question: Any chance Al Gough will drop his reluctance to let Clark fly on Smallville? Answer: Let me say this: If the finale ends the way they have it planned now, next season could see a whole world of change for our wonder boy.
Question: OMIGOD! Rose can't have a baby? Answer: That's not it, either.
Question: Can you please aid me in my effort to figure out what the heck is going on with President Logan on 24? Answer: I think the climax of Monday's episode said it all. The dumbass is apparently way smarter than any of us gave him credit for.
For months, many of you have been hounding me to increase Ask Ausiello to two times a week. And now, at last, your wish has been… well, not granted, exactly, but at least considered. As a result, I present you with the next best thing: an Ausiello Report dedicated to answering six of the biggest questions in the TV world (that I have answers to). Think of it as a mini-Ask Ausiello without so much legwork or typing on my part. Has UPN canceled Veronica Mars?In a word, no. In another word, phew. But fans were understandably reaching for their Xanax stash when an official-looking press release began circulating around the Web Thursday claiming, "UPN has announced the cancellation of cult classic Veronica Mars." Turns out the whole thing was a big, nasty, cruel, heinous, unfunny hoax. But that's not to say there isn't cause for concern. Wednesday's
Question: Enough Lost and Grey's Anatomy spoilers already! Tell me something about CSI! Answer: The person who calls Grissom and Sara on their suppressed feelings would know a thing or two about romantic longing: He/she specializes in fantasy fulfillment.
Question: I'm from Chile and I read your column every week. You're very popular here! Please give me some good Desperate Housewives spoilers! Answer: Tell all of my Chilean fans that there are big doings on DH this May. "We're gonna answer some questions on the [Betty] mystery," says exec producer Tom Spezialy. "We're going to ultimately end up uprooting almost everyone's story by the end of the season. All of our women are going to go into next season with huge life changes.... And not everyone will survive."
Question: You're frakkin' awesome! You make Wednesday worth it. You're amazing. You're wonderful. You have impeccable taste, and the Smurfs rock. OK, so now will you please tell me if McGee is the one getting killed on NCIS? Answer: I'll do no such thing. But as a reward for your over-the-top ass-kissing, I will tell you that Jim Carrey's ex-girlfriend will be kidnapped and held for ransom in May.
Question: I love how you devote half your column to questions about how fantastic and wonderful you are and hawking T-shirts with your name on them. Last time I checked, this was about TV spoilers, not "I Am Michael Ausiello, God of Everything." I'd actually pose a question about 24 or Gilmore Girls or my theory about Christopher vs. Luke, but we all know you're not going to answer it because you're too busy talking about how awesome you are. Proof? Of the 47 questions you answered last week, seven were almost exclusively about how "gifted" or "fantastic" you are! I am all for self-confidence but, honestly, what the hell? Answer: Sounds like Tim needs to get lade.
Question: Who's the bisexual intern on Grey's Anatomy? It's not that obvious to some people.Answer: Funny story. I got an e-mail from a Grey's publicist on Friday insisting that there are "no plans for any kind of same-sex relationship this season with any of the main characters. Joe, the bartender, remains happily involved with another man though." In other words, it's possible this bisexual plot was scrapped soon after it was hatched. Of course, it's also possible Shonda Rhimes had a gun pointed at that publicist's head when he was typing that e-mail.
Question: What is Paula on this season and where can I get some? Answer: I have no idea what she's on, but I think you can find some hidden inside the plush Vanity Smurf sitting on my desk.
Question: I just heard a rumor that Logan and Rory get married in the season finale of Gilmore Girls. Is this true? Answer: I honestly don't know. There's nothing in the second-to-last episode (airing May 2) to set the stage for a wedding, but they are in a very happy place.
Question: OMIGOD, is Rose the phone-sex worker? Answer: Please don't sexualize Rose. She's one of the few pure things left in this ugly world.