Our top moments of the week:
11. Worst Call for Help: On the Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa goes over to Jacqueline's house for help writing a letter to Teresa's brother, Joe. Unfortunately, pretty much all of Jacqueline's advice falls on deaf ears, as Teresa tells her, "You really don't know ... it's between me and my brother," and then proceeds to overstay her welcome by a few hours. Don't you have your own McMansion for this sort of thing?
10. Worst Plagiarism: During Platinum Hit's song hook challenge (its version of a Top Chef quickfire), Nevin whips up a little ditty on the keyboard about Los Angeles, titled "You'll Never Be My Home," that sounds awfully similar to this. "Does anything in your song sound familiar? Like maybe you heard it before?" Jewel questions the blank-faced songwriter. Kara DioGuardi cuts right to the point: "Elton John's 'Candle in the Wind,'" she says, as Nevin does his best shocked face. Fittingly, he later got eliminated. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever, um, began, Nevin.
9. Best Made-for-TV Union: How do you up the ante after another crazy season of The Real World? By taking a showmance to the next level with a wedding! Naomi and Mike tie the knot in Vegas and exchange the most honest (read: awkward) wedding vows we've ever heard. Mike promises Naomi he'll work hard to "somehow afford the lavish lifestyle you want to live" and Naomi compliments her new hubby on being able to look beyond her many sexual escapades with his roommate — who she "might be doing" again tonight. There's no way this marriage will last, but at least this time the reality stars are in on the joke.
8. The Naked Truth Award: On Piers Morgan Tonight, Paris Hilton and her mother, Kathy Hilton, candidly discussed the aftermath of the heiress' leaked 2003 sex tape with Rick Solomon, 1 Night in Paris. Paris didn't leave home for three months, during which the Hiltons underwent therapy. But the worst thing? "When I was a little girl, I looked up to people like Princess Diana and these women, and I feel like he took that away from me," Paris says, without a hint of irony that she wouldn't be making headlines for the past eight years without it. She drives this point home even further on her new show, The World According to Paris, when she chastises her assistant for moonlighting as a porn writer. That's hot.
7. Worst-Laid Plans: When Rob Kardashian finds out he got a girl pregnant on Khloe & Lamar, he and big sister Khloe decide to — of course — break the unexpected news to Mommie Dearest at a Lakers game, so that she'll have to react in a relatively calm fashion. Good idea! After Kris starts pressing Khloe for a baby, Rob slips in that he "maybe, might have gotten a girl pregnant" and Kris, naturally, flips out and brings Rob outside to really lay into him. Where's the goofy kiss cam to lighten the mood when you need it?
6. Least Certain Explanation: Discussing the crotch shot heard around the world with NBC News' Luke Russert, New York Congressman Anthony Weiner maintains that his Twitter account was hacked when a close-up of a man's underwear-clad groin was posted. But when asked if it is him in the shot, the politician could only muster up, "You know, I can't say with certitude." You know, Congressman, that means you're basically admitting that a crotch shot of you exists?
5. Best Self-Deprecation: On Tosh.0's Wizard of Oz homage, Tosh takes the Naked Wizard with the hopelessly small penis to get a bigger one and to meet Paul McCartney, who at first appears to be the great and powerful Oz. But, of course, there's a man behind the curtain: James Van Der Beek. "The Beek is an enigma, man. You never know where I'll pop up," Van Der Beek says, reaffirming that he's been more adored mocking himself than he ever was as Dawson (save for "Crying Dawson," natch).
4. Most Precocious: Barely out of diapers, the SH'Boss Boys go for cuteness overload on America's Got Talent, as the trio, ages 5 to 7, waps raps about education and being true "Gs" — as in geniuses. If that doesn't burst your ovaries, Young J then says they're going to build homes for homeless kids if they win the $1 million. (By the way, Young J is obviously the Justin Timberlake of the group.)
3. Mr. Wrong Alert: When Ashley decides to bring Bentley back to her suite on The Bachelorette, the two-faced player can't contain his excitement about being alone with her "amazing butt" and "rockin' legs." Unfortunately, their candlelit make-out session is "kind of boring" for Bentley, who says it "started out good, but it sucked toward the end." The worst part: Surprisingly, it isn't Bentley's chauvinistic commentary, but Ashley's painful naïvete. "I have a pretty good radar in terms of somebody that's not being sincere and I'm seeing such sincerity in him," she says in voiceover. You might want to take that radar into the shop, dear.
2. Best Kiss of Death: After spending most of her one-on-one time with Cee Lo Green gushing about her crush on Curtis Grimes (the competition!) rather than technique, it seemed The Voice contestant Emily Valentine had a pretty good shot of going home. During her battle duet with Curtis on Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now," Emily delivers an uneven performance, but caps off what will turn out to be her swan song with a kiss with Curtis. Did we seriously learn nothing from Finchel's big nationals no-no on Glee last week? Unprofessional!
1. "Fork You" Award: Jon Stewart gives Donald Trump a pizza, er, a piece of his mind on The Daily Show after the mogul treats Sarah Palin to a slice at New York City Famiglia, an Albanian-owned chain that Stewart points out can also be found in Terminal 4 of the Phoenix airport. "We're a bit of a pizza mecca," Stewart says, going on to list authentic NYC pizza options. But Trump's most egregious sin? He ate his pizza with a fork! "Why don't you take a sh-- in Fiorello LaGuardia's hat and feed it to Joe DiMaggio's crying ghost on Liberty Island!" he spews, before demonstrating how a true New Yorker eats a slice. "Based on how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate," he concludes. "I don't think you were really born in New York."
What were your top moments?