Question: I was watching an episode of Emeril Live the other day and could swear that I spotted you in the audience. Am I right?

Answer: Yes, that was me. My Aunt Joan is a huge fan and I brought her to a taping as an early birthday present. Big mistake. We had the misfortune of being seated outside of the coveted "feeding zone" and in an area that can best be described as studio steerage. As a result, we spent the entire three-hour taping watching the lucky bastards in first class binge on Emeril's fine cuisine while we sat back and starved. And if that wasn't humiliating enough, at intermission the stagehands tried to appease us by passing out stale bags of potato chips. I felt like a chicken in one of KFC's much-maligned-by-PETA factory farms. I only hope someone from the Red Cross is reading this, because after they're done in New Orleans, they need to focus their attention on the ongoing humanitarian crisis inside Food Network's New York studios. On a related note, did I mention that I'm going to be appearing as a guest "judge" on Next Food Network Star? No joke. I, along with three of my TV Guide colleagues, can be seen, um, grilling the final four contestants in the April 16 episode. It was an absolute blast. In fact, were they to invite me back next season, I might be willing to forget all about Emerilgate. That's just the kind of unabashed media whore guy I am.