Rachel is a truly excellent Bachelorette. She manages the guys so well. She's kind to them all in a way that feels genuine, like she's a caring person by nature, even when she doesn't have to be. Who would judge her for telling off cheating DeMario when he returned to Bachelor Mansion, begging for her to give him another chance? But she let him down easy, even though she had already let him down hard and it didn't register.
He told Rachel that he told his Uber driver that he was going to win back the woman of his dreams, and the driver advised him not to take no for an answer. Somehow, this did not impress Rachel, who does not respect the oracular wisdom of the Uber driver. I cannot believe that DeMario invoking what his Uber driver said was not enough to convince her to give him another chance! Doesn't she know about the sacred relationship between Uber driver and passenger? The car is like a confessional and the driver is a pastor, and the guidance given therein should be taken more seriously than even what your own heart tells you.
Instead, Rachel said she needs a man who owns his mistakes when confronted with them and also isn't a liar.
"I'm glad that you've realized you should move forward, but I need you to know that forward isn't that way to the mansion, forward is outside of it," she told him, which was a rather poetic farewell for The Bachelorette. She was glad that she was able to help him learn a life lesson, but it's time for him to go. She didn't say anything mean, but she was forceful. She handled it perfectly. And she got the perfect last word when one of the remaining guys asked if DeMario was coming back: "F--- no."
Things got weird during the cocktail party. Tickle Monster got some giant hands and didn't kiss Rachel when he had the chance, ensuring that he will be gone next week. Lee and Dean were cuddling for some reason.
And things escalated in the war of words between Whaboom and Blake. Whaboom, who was about as drunk as someone can be shown on TV before it becomes an ethical issue, told Rachel a hilarious tall tale about Blake having a crush on him, because he woke up and saw Blake standing over him suggestively eating a banana. Rachel relayed this story to Blake, who said it couldn't be true, because "I don't eat carbs because I'm on a ketogenic diet." Good for you, Blake. We're all very impressed by your dedication to your fitness.
Rachel, who knows how to handle these guys, eliminated them both at the rose ceremony, along with Jamey, whoever that is. Blake was pissed that he's forever associated with Whaboom, who he seems to blame for his misfortunes in life, not just on The Bachelorette (remember, Whaboom's Ex Isle ex-girlfriend is Blake's roommate whom he's in the process of evicting). He interrupted Whaboom's exit interview to talk more trash.
We were then treated to one of the most uproariously stupid spectacles TV has ever seen, as Whaboom and Blake's argument devolved into Blake saying "You're the whaboom clown, I'm the nice gentleman," Whaboom screaming about how he's a clown because he knows what funny is (he is much funnier than Blake, who's only ever inadvertently funny) and both of them turning into the mocking Spongebob meme.
Blake blames Whaboom for blowing his shot with Rachel, but it's his own fault for making tearing down Whaboom the focus of his game. That's no way to build a relationship with her. But it is a way to build a relationship with Whaboom, and I hope these knuckleheads are reunited in Paradise.
Next up was the group date we saw all the way back in March where they visited Ellen. A lot of it was stuff we already saw on Ellen, but there was some other fun stuff like Ellen saying she doesn't like the "tickle monster" bit or Will's Urkel entrance and her telling the guys that they're going to be on the show and all of them being like "awesome!" without even the slightest pretense of shyness. Such peacocks, these guys.
The umbrella game got replaced with a round of "never have I ever" where Alex admitted he'd peed in the pool.
Fred got put on the hot seat during the cocktail party portion of the group date. He was frustrated over how Rachel couldn't see him as a man, only as the bad little kid he was almost 20 years ago. He must have done something really bad, because she really can't let it go. He did get in one smooth romantic move and one kiss, but she sent him home on the group date anyway. "It was like a little boy was kissing me," she said, an absolute brick wall of a "you have no chance" statement.
Anthony got the episode's 1-on-1 date, and it was as pleasantly unmemorable as any other 1-on-1. They rode horses down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and into stores. In one of the stores Anthony's horse pooped on the floor and it got blurred out. They got horse-themed cupcakes and Anthony seemed to think that it was actually a cupcake for a horse and fed it to the horse, which was a very bad idea. Anthony must not have ever seen Half-Baked.
The second group date was mud wrestling and featured cameos by Raven, Alexis, Jasmine and a surprisingly subdued Corinne. Kenny, the actual pro wrestler, body-slammed the crap out of some dudes but ultimately didn't win (probably because he had to fight more than anyone else and was tired by his final match). During the cocktail party, Kenny revealed that he has a personality beyond being a dad and did a Chippendale's striptease for Rachel, and Lee emerged as a real snakey instigator.
Eric got the group date rose, but Bryce and Lee had both told Raven that Eric was probably the worst choice for Rachel, and Rachel talked to Eric about her concerns. She didn't take the rose back, but the seeds of doubt about Eric have been planted in Eric's mind. And she named names when telling Eric about what guys were talking about him, so Eric came back and called them out.
Lee was unabashed about talking to Rachel about Eric. He kept telling Eric "I still love you to death and think you're an amazing individual," but that he's probably not right for Rachel. But in his confessional interview, he said "I don't care if Eric disrespects me. He means nothing." He went to Rachel and said he hated to stir up drama, but in another confessional he said "This is the s--- -talking night. It's fun." He seems pretty sociopathic. He's not even a fun villain like Corinne or an interesting one like Chad.
All of his interactions with black contestants — and Rachel, for that matter — are cast in a different light by Lee's documented racism. He's not just an ass, he's a racist ass. And judging from the teases for next week's episode, this is only going to get worse.
These first three episodes have been a lot of fun, but it looks like things are gonna start intensifying next week.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.