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The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All Was Aggressively Dramatic

Jordan put up billboards in everyone's head

Liam Mathews

Let's get it out of the way up top: The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All did not address the biggest scandals of the season. Lincoln, who had a pending sexual battery charge against him while the season was filming and was convicted shortly before the premiere, was not there, as expected. Maybe for the best. Chris Harrison is not the guy to direct that very serious conversation. And Garrett, who has a problematic social media history, is still on the show and will presumably talk about the controversy on the finale.

Instead the drama was confined to the in-show petty beefs. And right after they showed a clip from Bachelor in Paradise and a montage of memorable moments from the season, the guys started going at it. Here are the moments of drama.

Chris had a truly wild meltdown when he felt like Becca wasn't paying him enough attention."The wheels fell off," he explained sheepishly. "I lost control." But the guys still called him out for trying to take Becca hostage emotionally. "You can't be there for the right reasons and treat the Bachelorette wrong," said Jordan, of all people.

Jean Blanc

Jean Blanc, who told Becca that he was falling in love with her in a last-ditch effort to stay as she was eliminating him and then told her he was just saying it because he thought it was what she wanted to hear, started to explain himself before Colton interrupted him. Colton was on one tonight, and Jean Blanc wasn't having it.

"I'm not gonna talk to little boys right now," he said. "It's okay, he'll take it back in three seconds," Colton shot back. And then Jean Blanc one-upped him: "You're acting like a p---- but you've never been f---ed." Very rude on several levels, though Colton did invite it.

"You're being disrespectful on top of being disingenuine," Colton said. "Disingenuine" is a malaprop that comes up on The Bachelorette more often than you might expect. Or maybe you do expect it, because a lot of these guys are very dumb!

Then it was time for the main event. It basically started during Jean Blanc's time, because Colton couldn't help himself from going at Jordan. I was like "why is this happening?" Did Jordan and Colton have a problem, or is Colton just a wingding? I don't remember.

Then Jordan's nemesis David jumped in and we relitigated that beef for awhile. Jordan mostly wouldn't let anyone else talk, which was fine, because he was saying all kinds of great stuff.

Jason, the low-key MVP of the night and maybe the season, called David out for his relentless attacks on Jordan. "After watching the show, I thought you were there for Jordan, not David," he said, and then he called David a bully. Shoutout to Jason, man.

Then some night-one rando named Christian, I think, tried to get into it with Jordan and Jordan straight-up sonned him. He made him his son. He made fun of his silly high-water pants. But then Kamil, who's also a Wilhelmina model but in New York, started ragging on Jordan for staying in a small Floridian pond, after which Chris Harrison jumped in and let Jordan have the last word, which was "f--- you, f--- you, Grocery Joe what's up, I'm out." I don't know, man. I like Jordan. He's funny.

Then he got in the hot seat and it was more of the same, but he said some weird stuff about how he's a Rolls-Royce and showed that he was wearing his famous gold shorts under his suit, but didn't take his pants off, which is out of character for him.

Grocery Joe
Our handsome Chicagoan got some time in the hot seat. His hair is longer now, and he looks even better. He said his experience on The Bachelorette was "pretty bad." But Chris Harrison said that there had never been a night-one castoff who Bachelor Nation loved so much. And Joe was totally cool and humble about the adoration he was getting. Almost too cool. "I do see that you're a man of few words," Chris Harrison said. But he wasn't really not saying much. He was just talking like someone with the ability to regulate his emotions.

No drama. Wills is the man.

Boo. I've had enough of this whangdoodle. He challenged people to spend time with Becca and not fall in love with her, because he can't stop being competitive. And he talked about his time with Tia before the show, saying she knew he was going on and encouraged him. Reality Steve had a fact check on that one.

Then he cried about being virgin-shamed. I dunno, man. This guy seems very disingenuine to me.

If in like, Week 4, you had told me that Jason was going to be a serious contender for the Bachelor, I wouldn't have laughed in your face, but I would have said "nah." But now I want this dude to be the Bachelor, and everyone on Twitter seems like it, too. And he's saying all the right things. He'd be a thoughtful Bachelor, which would be a refreshing change after the last one.

The girl came out and said nice things to Jason. They're cool. They're friends. Then we talked about Tia and Colton a little more and I'm over it. But Tia and Becca are still close, so that's nice, I guess. And if I never hear about Colton's virginity again I'd be happy. And she's cool with Wills, too. Then Jean Blanc came up and sat down with Becca on the couch and apologized. Becca was like "whatever, dude." And then he gave her another perfume. The other guys were embarrassed for him. She didn't smell it. Jean Blanc is wack, man.

And Chris bringing out the same choir from night one to sing an apology song was a nice way to end the night before bloopers.

Next week is the finale! We're almost finished.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.