The Bachelor finally delivered on the moment we've been waiting for all season: Colton Underwood's fence jump. FENCE JUMP FENCE JUMP FENCE JUMP! Chris Harrison — who went beyond his usual "most dramatic episode ever" rhetoric to call this "the most dramatic finale in the history of the world" — wasn't lying: That sh-- was DRAMATIC. It was fantasy suites, aka Colton's virginity on the line, and FENCE JUMP FENCE JUMP FENCE JUMP.
The episode started with Colton and Chris Harrison saying they weren't going to have an awkward fantasy suite conversation, because now Colton knows what happens in a fantasy suite — talking, mostly. Then it was off to Portugal, a country where, anecdotally, a lot of Americans have been visiting lately. Colton was wearing a blue Aztec print overshirt that I was into. I disagree with this tweet:
Someone should tell Colton that Chevy Chase Vegas vacation shirt he's rockin ain't gonna get him laid #TheBachelor— TruBelievaa (@MrStealYoTweet5) March 5, 2019
Tayshia got the first date. She was wildly excited to go on a helicopter ride. They recited some Wikipedian facts about Portugal's exports, figs and "extra virgin" olive oil. Hardee har har.
If I had teeth as pearly white as Tayshia's, I'd be smiling all the time, too. They went up to the top of a lighthouse on the edge of a cliff. Tayshia said that she was "ready to take that first step with Colton." People on Twitter were mad about Colton talking about his virginity so much, but this is the time for him to do it.
During dinner, they tried to have a serious, low-voiced conversation about their feelings, but Tayshia's boob kept popping out of her dress and distracting them. She told him that her husband cheated on her and that's part of why her marriage ended. It was only a year and a half ago. Now she's here. Life comes at you fast. Colton said he'd never do that to her. They went to their hotel room, and the show made sure to get a shot of Colton getting surprised by a champagne cork popping out. Like he's a premature ejaculator. He said he's "experienced in other ways," which made me say "what does that mean?" aloud to myself. Sounds to me like Colton's been stranded on third base.
The producers totally shook that champagne bottle 🍾#TheBachelor— Crystal McCullough (@CrysMcC) March 5, 2019
The morning after, it seemed like they didn't have sex. "I enjoyed our conversation," Colton said. "I could pick up on how nervous he was," Tayshia said. And then she came right out with it: They didn't do it. Good. He's obviously not going to pick Tayshia, and his first time shouldn't be with someone he's gonna dump on national TV in a few days. That would be tacky. "I'm not in love, I'm falling in love," Colton hair-split. Tayshia said she wished she'd had more time, but she'd said and done everything she could and now it was up to him. You're about to dodge a bullet, Tayshia.
Cassie got the second date. They started with pastries. Colton is clearly gaga over Cassie. They made out in a Portuguese alleyway. They danced with some locals. "There's something about her," he said, and it's clear he feels that. He feels complete with her. He's in love with her. She still hadn't said she was in love with him, but he believed she was.
Cassie and Colton talked about Cassie's dad. Cassie was surprised to hear that he didn't give Colton his blessing. It rattled her a bit. "You're OK with that?" Cassie asked. Colton said it doesn't discourage him at all. Cassie said she wished Colton had told her then. She was very confused. She's already unsure if she wants to be with Colton, and this bit of information made it worse. But really Cassie's dad was doing for her what she could not do for herself.
Essentially what really happened is Cassie's dad stepped in front of the metaphorical bullet for her.#thebachelor— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 5, 2019
And I was also like:
TWIST! The promos didn't tell us that Cassie's dad was going to show up in Portugal. He said if he'd given Colton his blessing after a half hour, that wouldn't have been "diligent." He told her she seemed unsure that day. He asked if she loved him. "I think I do," she said. "Is there a but?" he said. She said she didn't want it to be over, but she wasn't certain that getting engaged to Colton would be the right choice. It turns out Cassie's dad didn't give his blessing because he could tell Cassie wasn't all the way in on Colton. He was protecting her. Good move. Cassie's dad is wise. "If you knew, you would know," he said, which is a tautology, kinda, but since he's talking about knowing different things, it's actually very true.
HAS CASSIE'S DAD EVER BEEN A MILLENIAL DATING HAVING TO CHOSE BETWEEN APPS OR REALITY TV...I don't think so it's bleak out here #TheBachelor— Rebecca Gausepohl (@rgausepohl) March 5, 2019
Cassie is going through the same thing Peter Kraus went through on Rachel's season. They both reacted like normal people to the condensed timeline engagement pressure the show puts on its cast. But you can't react like a normal person. When you're in Bachelor Nation, you must obey the laws of Bachelor Nation. Going into the evening portion of the date, Cassie said she felt sick thinking about what she had to do. Dun dun dun. Colton reiterated that he was all in, no matter what dad said, and Cassie said her dad came. Colton's mood immediately changed. She said she didn't want him to leave without who or what he came here for, and he said if it wasn't the person he wanted (her), it wasn't worth it. "I love you so much. So much," she said. "But I'm not, like, in love, you know what I mean?" Her doubts are turning her guts into a pit of writhing snakes. "Were you planning on leaving tonight?" he asked her. "Mmhmm," she said. Devastating. The poor guy is in love with her. She couldn't do it anymore. She walked out to get some air. She was second-guessing her decision to leave.
commercial break then our fence jump 🤩 #TheBachelor— camryn 115 (@camrynpanics) March 5, 2019
Colton got off the couch and went outside to Cassie. "I'm telling you, I'm OK with being patient," he told her, which we know is true. Colton can be patient. But Cassie didn't know if she could ever fall in love with him. Maybe she could, but maybe not. "I've never been so conflicted in my entire life," she said. Colton confessed that she's the only one he thinks about, and basically said he's going to pick her. He can wait. It's OK if she doesn't know. "I don't know if it is," she said. He told her they don't have to get engaged, they can wait, he wants to be with her. "You're putting a two-week timeline on the rest of your life," and she doesn't have to, he said. He's breaking the rules, too. He wants to be with her at the end of this, engagement or not. No one is wrong, it's just painful. Colton is hopelessly in love with Cassie, and she doesn't feel the same. What are you going to do? Colton was uncontrollably shaking with emotion.
Send the rest of the girls home he's picking Cassie even if she don't want him #TheBachelor— Crist (@queenCRIST) March 5, 2019
"I don't want to lose you," he said. "I so, so badly wish I get could to the same page as you, but I just don't know," she said. "Colton, I can't do this." He told her didn't care if she was about to leave, he wasn't going to stop fighting for her. She told him staying would be the wrong decision for her. "So that's it," he said. They put on their coats and he walked her out. "I want so much what's best for you," he said. And she echoed that back, saying she wants him to be with someone "insanely" in love with him. Which is a disappointing thing to hear if you're Colton.
"Are you mad at me?" she said. Wow. They parted. She sobbed in the car on the way to the airport. Colton went to his room and shut the door. "F--- all of this," he said. "I'm done with all of this." He came out, pushed past the camera person. Took off his mic. "Somebody get Chris," we heard a producer say. And then... FENCE JUMP. Chris Harrison, cool as a cucumber, hands in his pockets, said, "He just jumped the f---ing fence." There were dogs barking, and Chris kinda suggested they go to where the barking dog was, because Colton probably wanted to see a dog right then. They couldn't find him. He vanished into the night like a ghost.
I waited all season for the fence jump, and I was NOT disappointed #TheBachelor— Morgan Kendall (@MorganK34548789) March 5, 2019
Tuesday night is Women Tell All, and then the finale is two nights next week. The dramatic conclusion and all that. I'm psyched, dude.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Episodes are available to stream on Hulu.