The bad news: this episode of The Bachelor was a snooze. The good news: it was only an hour long, since Episode 9 is being split in two, with the second half airing before the Women Tell All next week. So we only had to listen to Raven talk about not having an orgasm for what felt like three hours, as opposed to six.
The episode started with the unthrilling conclusion of Andi Dorfman's visit to Nick Viall's hotel room from last week, then moved to a rose ceremony where Corinne got sent home. The it was off to Finland, "a magical place to find love," for the first of three fantasy suite dates. It was with Raven, who is not going to win.
Since this was a short, boring episode, this will be a short, HILARIOUS recap. Let's get to the awkward moments.
5. Andi's visit was as anticlimactic as we feared
Last week I wrote about how I really wanted Nick's hotel room conversation with his first (and still most evenly matched) Bachelorette ex to be good, because they actually had interesting stuff to talk about that hasn't been addressed on the air. Specifically, a conversation about what Andi wrote in her book about Nick's embarrassing performance in the fantasy suite. This would have been the perfect time to talk about that, since Nick is about to embark on his own fantasy suite experience, and would have been some high-stakes emotional drama.
But no, instead she asked him if he regrets saying "'Why did you make love with me if you weren't in love with me?" Of course he does. He's very sorry. They're sorry for hurting each other. They wish each other the best. That's nice. It was clearly a conversation between two people who have moved on, so there just wasn't much juice to it. They should have had Jimmy Kimmel moderate it.
Except for when she asked him point blank if he was going to have sex with any of the women during the fantasy suite dates. That was the most frank before-the-fact acknowledgment of what happens in the fantasy suites I can ever recall seeing on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. In fact, between that moment and Raven's openness about not having an orgasm, this was maybe the most sexually frank and progressive episode of The Bachelor ever. Too bad all that frankness didn't translate into entertainment.
4. The show spoiled that Corinne was getting eliminated and Raven makes the final two
The teaser before the commercial break leading into the rose ceremony was Raven in Finland talking about how she's never had an orgasm before. Since we've known since episode one that Rachel makes the final three and there's obviously no way that Vanessa isn't going all the way to the end, that meant Corinne was getting cut when the show came back from break. So Raven is making the final two, and since we all know deep down that Nick is not going to choose Raven, the show is basically admitting that Nick is going to choose Vanessa. The only uncertainty left now is if Nick and Vanessa are still together. The way the makers of this show are spoiling it now it's like they don't even care about their own narratives anymore.
3. Corinne gets eliminated
The twist in Corinne's elimination was that she didn't freak out. I was totally expecting Corinne to throw a drunken tantrum, but that's not what happened at all. Instead she started crying genuinely sad tears immediately. Nick walked her out, and she said "I'm sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset," as if she was regretting her previous aggressive actions. Nick assured her that she did nothing wrong has nothing to regret. He hugged her and kissed her on the head like a dozen times and told her he had love for her and was going to miss her so much, which was a pretty awkward, honestly. Kind of a mixed signal. But she just had to go. They didn't talk about why she wasn't advancing, but it's pretty clear that it's what everyone has been saying the whole time: she's just not ready to get married. She's too young.
In the car, she said "I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life" and then went to sleep — not because she was drunk, she didn't seem drunk, but because she was exhausted. In these past few episodes, Corinne hasn't seemed like a villain at all. She seems a little spoiled and childish, sure, but she doesn't seem insincere or nasty. She's friends with the other girls, especially Rachel, and isn't drinking as much. She lasted long enough to seem like a real person. Quite an accomplishment, to be honest.
And shout out to Nick for not taking her to the fantasy suite even though he really, really wanted to.
2. Nick's turtleneck was way too high
Nick usually dresses pretty well, but his turtleneck sweater during his date with Raven was too high. It looked insane. And I say this as a short-necked person who doesn't look good in turtlenecks. I actually look like a way-less-hot Nick Viall, so looking at him in that turtleneck hurt me personally. It was like I was trying to make that turtleneck work and failing. It was curling over at his jawline. At one point he had to pull the collar away and get some air on his neck. He was trying too hard to dress for the occasion.
1. Hey, did you hear Raven has never had an orgasm?
Three commercial breaks previewed Raven telling Nick she's never had an orgasm. Three! Like it was some scandalous, game-changing reveal. What was really interesting about it was Raven openly talking about what was expected in the fantasy suite. It was mature of her to put it out there beforehand, even though it was arguably unnecessary for her to do so and definitely unnecessary for the show to hammer the point so hard. Props to Raven for being open about a something that happens to a lot of women but doesn't get talked about very much, but I also feel like if she knew it was going to be such a big part of the episode she wouldn't have brought it up.
Really, the main takeaway from Raven's sex troubles is something we've known since her first one-on-one date: her ex-boyfriend didn't care about her. I wonder if this conversation will be censored in Arkansas, too.
The Bachelor is back next week for three hours, including the Women Tell All. Are you ready for more Taylor vs. Corinne?
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.