Stephen Colbert by Martin Cook/Comedy Central Stephen Colbert by Martin Cook/Comedy Central

Because of course, if you keep a promise, you can't possibly succeed in politics. Am I right? Anyway, the Colbert Report anchor said he'd run only in his native South Carolina, but when that state's Democratic Executive Council voted to keep his name off their primary ballot - by a painful vote of 13 to 3 ( see related story) - he elected to give up. "I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle," he deadpanned. "It is time for this nation to heal." Although the Comedy Central star added, "This is not over! The fight goes on! The dream endures!" he also said that he'd be "going off the air until I can talk about this without weeping." Or until the writers' strike is over, whichever comes first. - Ben Katner