Hosts Scott Hamilton and Summer Sanders: Well, here's what I can say. Since they're former Olympic champions, no need to expect any embarrassing Tom Bergeron observations. Very cool.
Judge Dorothy Hamill: I don't think the woman ages. In fact, I think she's de-aging before our very eyes. And she pretty much has the same 'do from back in the day, which I admire.
Judges Sir John Nicks and Mark Lund: Let's just call them Simon and Simoner. I'll let you guys figure out who's who.
Deborah "Debbie" Gibson and Kurt Browning: Boo to their choice of movie song. Their ice moves were shaky but not that bad. However, they seem a little too serious about this whole thing. Like Rachel Hunter serious. Score: 48 (out of 60)
Bruce Jenner and Tai Babilonia: Tai looks amazing. Bruce? Well, his skating's better than I thought it would be. The intro tries to trick us into thinking he's all brittle. But when Bruce and Tai get out on the rink, our decathlon man isn't too shabby. He even manages a jump or two. Score: 48.8
Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler: Oh, original Buffy. Where ya been? Getting this skating gig's a good move for ya, I think. And you're partnered with a feisty one. I liked their performance, but unfortunately, the judges didn't. Lloyd's p---ed. They was robbed. Score: 47.5 (Ouch.)
Todd Bridges and Jenni Meno: Wicky wicky wild! Todd shimmied. Jenni unsuccessfully tried to get her groove on. These two are complete opposites but totally endearing. But Todd, it was much too soon to whip out the "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?" card. Just saying. Score: 47.7
Jillian Barberie and John Zimmerman: Easily the pair to beat. Almost too perfect. The turns were graceful; they seemed in sync. Even Sir John had to forgo the massive archaeological dig he undertakes to excavate an insult. Score: 51.8
Dave Coulier and Nancy Kerrigan: Or as I call them, Team Cutting Edge. Cute Blues Brothers costumes. Some funny choreography. No tiny little Olsen twins hanging around. I like 'em. So do the judges. Score: 49.3