Joe Rogan is not Howard Stern... yet. But give him time. In any given week, you can catch the future king of all media on two of the tube's most polarizing programs, NBC's

Fear Factor (Mondays at 8 pm/ET) and Comedy Central's The Man Show (Sundays at 10 pm/ET). Today, he's even taking over the Internet, visiting TV Guide Online to answer seven of our silliest questions ever. Can the former stand-up's conquest of Paris Hilton, UPN and the world be far behind?

TV Guide Online: Since men are such notorious channel surfers, is The Man Show doomed simply because its title aims to attract this fickle demographic?
Joe Rogan:
We counter that problem by featuring many young girls with bags of saline stuffed into the skin beneath their nipples. I know it sounds weird, but it actually works.

TVGO: Care to address the rumor that you only allow Doug Stanhope to continue on as your co-host because you think he's less handsome than you are?
That's not true, and it's insulting. Doug is a beautiful man. Beautiful in the fact that it takes a real commitment of years of hard living to achieve that look. Don't think I don't respect that. If I started trying to look like that now, it would take at least 10 years of bad food, alcohol and cigarettes before I could even feel worthy of taking my shirt off at the rest stop in front of him. The man is a champion.

TVGO: How does it feel to know that, through your work on The Man Show, you have helped guys all across America get a firmer grip on their, um, manhood?
If they really need help from a dummy like me, the government should find them and make sure they never breed.

TVGO: Which is scarier — the stuff they come up with for people to do on Fear Factor or the fact that there are derelicts who are willing to do it?
The fact that there are soooooo many people trying to get on the show is probably the scariest thing. We have over a thousand security people working for the show right now because of how out of hand the problem has gotten. [Wannabe contestants] show up at the set and pound on the fence moaning for us to let them on the show. We tell them that there's a huge list of people trying to get on and that they would have to submit to a series of extensive medical examinations, but it's like they don't even hear us. They don't care. They're like zombies in Night of the Living Dead, clawing at the fence, yelling out from what sounds like a mouth full of Jell-O and gravel, "Fear is not a factor for me!" It's just awful. If I didn't have a mortgage, I don't know if I would be able to carry on.

TVGO: Eating disgusting things has become a regular feature of Fear Factor. What's the grossest thing you've ever ingested?
The last State of the Union address.

TVGO: Keeping in mind that pretty much nothing could be more terrifying than being in a boxing ring with Tonya Harding, what would you like to make Doug do as a contestant on Fear Factor?
Give him acid and make him talk to priests.

TVGO: Which has been a tougher acting challenge — pretending to work at a radio station on NewsRadio or pretending not to loathe the contestants on Fear Factor?
Eighty percent of the people that come on the show are nice folks that want to have a good time and try to win some money. If it was all them, it would be the coolest job on the planet. However, at least 20 percent of [our contestants] are scary, dumb people that I would never hang out with in real life, and I have to talk to them on camera without running away screaming. And sometimes these people win, and I have to pretend to be happy for them. That's some real acting, my friend.