Like every show airing on The CW, Riverdale is populated by really, really ridiculously good-looking actors and actresses. It's the CW way! The trend even extends to the show's many parental figures as well, so much so that the Twitter account for Netflix Canada recently took notice, marketing the show's "hot dads." And who are we to look down on Netflix Canada and its social media manager? They just said what the rest of us were thinking. Still, we're here to take things one step further by ranking the show's dads in order of hotness. So check out the list below; you might be surprised at what you find.
5. Hal Cooper
Sorry, Hal (Lochlyn Munro), but now that Clifford Blossom is dead and his wig collection has presumably — and thankfully — been destroyed in the fire that Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) set, you're now at the bottom of the hot dad rankings. And honestly, you kind of deserve it. Even if you hadn't pressured your high school girlfriend to have an abortion, sent away your pregnant teenage daughter, and lied about your family history, you regularly act like an ass to the rest of your family as well. Being wary of Betty (Lili Reinhart) bringing Chic (Hart Denton) into your home is understandable — you don't know the guy! — but you need to take the good from Kirsten Cohen, not the bad. Plus, now you're doing god knows what with Cheryl's mom, and honestly, this is not a good look for you.
4. Fred Andrews
If this were the '90s, Luke Perry's Fred Andrews probably would have ranked much higher on this list, but it's 2018 and this isn't a ranking of Beverly Hills, 90210 characters (for what it's worth, Dylan > Brandon), and unfortunately, being a nice guy only gets one so far in a town like Riverdale. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with Fred, but there's also just nothing special about him either. He's a stand-up guy with a respectable beard who's fallen on hard times and is trying to provide for his family. Sure, he's dancing with the devil now that he's indebted to the Lodges, but until something else happens as a result and he wows us in some way, he's going to remain near the bottom of the pack.
3. Sheriff Keller
We'll be very honest: Sheriff Keller's (Martin Cummins) ranking is largely a result of the fact that men in uniform are incredibly hot. Plus, there was that one time he was working out, a scene that felt very out of place for a show in which Archie (KJ Apa) is supposed to be the beefcake, but hey, we're not complaining. We'll just stare into his eyes and hope he gets better at his job, because the kids in this town should not be the people solving murders.
2. Hiram Lodge
Much deliberation went into where to place Mark Conseulos' Hiram Lodge on this list. Hiram is objectively the hottest dad in Riverdale, but his character leaves a lot to be desired. Not only was he only recently released from prison — something he actually has in common with the hot dad at the top of this ranking — but he has shown no real desire to change after the fact. In the past, Hiram has lied to his family, attempted to buy their love, and threatened them when he didn't like their attitude. He later brought his teenage daughter Veronica (Camila Mendes) into his shady business dealings, and to make matters worse, when he learned someone had attempted to rape Veronica, he and his wife (Marisol Nichols) made sure the kid was involved in a serious car crash. Later on, another man was murdered and we're led to believe Hiram was behind it. We don't care if Hiram can speak Spanish or has enough money to buy us all the nice things we desire, he is currently beyond redemption. He is doing these horrible things not because life forced him into an impossible situation that he is trying to make the best of, but because he is greedy for wealth and power, and that knocks him down a few pegs. Plus, the dude was super weird about wrestling a high school student. What the hell?
1. FP Jones
Some fans may take issue with Skeet Ulrich's FP Jones being named Riverdale's hottest dad over the very handsome Hiram Lodge. But let's run down FP's qualifications. Sexy facial hair? Check. Flannel shirt and black leather jacket? Check. Owns a motorcycle? Check. Complicated relationship with his son? Check. Attempting to rehabilitate and be a better father? Mostly check.
FP meets all the important requirements of a bad boy and everyone knows that bad boys are deeply sexy — it's science — but in FP's case, he also has shown that he wants to be a better man, something that separates him from Hiram. When you consider the depth of his loyalty to his family, not just Jughead (Cole Sprouse), but the extended list of South Side Serpents too, he comes out at the top of the rankings. Sure, he hasn't always been the best father to Jughead — remember when his son was living at the drive-in movie theater or when he blamed Jughead for nearly destroying the Serpents?-- but FP is also weighed down by the heavy burden of Riverdale's class system and has at least tried to rise above the hand he was dealt to provide for his family. When Jughead didn't listen to FP and found himself indebted to a snake charmer, FP gave up on his dreams of walking the straight and narrow to protect his son even though Jughead had broken his heart. FP hasn't always made the best choices — being an associate to murder is obviously unforgivable — but he's been trying. And that's really hot. This is more than we can say for Hiram, whose greed and lust for power continues to corrupt him.
Also, just look at this man:
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW.
(Full disclosure: TV Guide is owned by CBS, one of The CW's parent companies.)