Do you hear that? It almost sounds like tin foil crinkling. Grab your hats so they can't hear you, it's time to head to our Riverdale-specific conspiracy corner where I'll lean in — all the way in — to a theory that may seem far-fetched on the surface, but — on what I like to think of as Teen Peaks — could maybe-possibly-probably-not-but-what-the-hell-maybe-I-guess be true. After all, if Cliff Blossom can straight up murder his darling son for the dire crime of [reason basically unknown, probably wig-related], anything can happen on the spookiest show on The CW.
Which is why I'm going to convince you that Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch) is actually a teenage witch.
But first, a brief recap of what brought us here so far:
The season 2 premiere picks up just moments after Fred Andrews (Luke Perry) was shot by some rando in inexpertly altered knitwear in Pop's Diner, fate unknown. While the rest of Riverdale drinks their beverages (any and all moms) or writes in their binders (sure, Betty), unlicensed driver Archie (KJ Apa) races down the road, handling what I can only assume is a stick shift truck with aplomb while rushing his Dad to the hospital.
The central questions of the episode, of course, include: whether Fred will live; whodunnit: and how Veronica (Camila Mendes) can so blithely waste what is clearly a professional blowout for some shower makeouts with Archie. (Confidential to Archie: that is not how you shower with a cast, young man.)
But we're not here to talk about plot, at least in the macro sense. Congrats on living to see the end of the episode, Dad Perry, but I'm not terribly concerned about who may or may not have your crappy wallet. I'm here to talk about how Cheryl is absolutely and totally a Spellman, of the Sabrina the Teenage Witch Spellmans.
Rumors have long been circulating in Riverdale-landia that Sabrina will be introduced (and The CW is already in development on a related pilot), but witchy signs we'll detail below point to a virtual coven of witches already existing in the Riverdale mythos. (Also, poor Madelaine Petsch is going to be so busy when she's 100% definitely starring in both Riverdale and the Sabrina spin-off; here's to hoping her lipstick never feathers and her hair never loses its sheen.)
Let's look at the facts the government doesn't want you to know, shall we?
1) She's a twin.
As we know from all the implied twincest creepiness, Cheryl is the twinniest twin to ever twin. Cardigans and shells flinch from her steely ginger gaze, cringing away because even twinsets aren't matchy-matchy enough to stand up to the legacy of nigh-identical spookiness that Cheryl and Jason Blossom so proudly upheld at maple tree tappings and romantic sibling rowboat adventures for the 17 years they walked the earth.
This is important because, as established in the gospel of late great television show Sabrina the Teenage Witch, every member of the Spellman family is born with a twin. Sabrina's evil twin in this canon was named Katrina, and Zelda's was named Jezebelda. (Sidenote: Please sign my change.org petition for showrunner Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa to bring Jezebelda onto the show. Now that Grundy's gone, someone's gotta be ridiculous, right? Because nobody else on this show is ridiculous. Nobody.)
Of course, Cheryl and Jason are Cheryl and Jason, not Cheryl and Beryl, or Grayson and Jason. But this is Riverdale, gritty reboot and all. We can't just rhyme names willy-nilly, silly billy. Plus, as we've already seen, name changes are given out like Pogs on this show. She's got the twin power credentials, seems pretty safe to assume that the actual witchcraft goes with it. She does, after all, weigh the same as a duck.
2) She gave Dad Perry the kiss of life.
While Fred lay comatose in the hospital, Cheryl approached his hospital bed — and when caught by a lurking Archie, said, "you gave me the kiss of life, and now I'm giving it to your dad." (She's referring to how Archie rescued her from drowning in an icy river last season).
The fact that Dad Perry woke up only after Cheryl planted one on him? No way is that a coincidence.
She's a witch! She's a wiiiiitch! (Of course, this means that Archie is also possibly a witch, which, sure. I'd believe it. He's just the oatmeal kind.) Cheryl, though, she does magic with flair, red lipstick kiss and all.
3) That outfit, though.
As usual, Cheryl dresses with pizzazz (fall cape season is coming, hallelujah), brooch and all. She sticks to her season one palette of white, black and scarlet red in this episode, but hear me out: see that brooch placement? It's significant. The placement of that pop of red on her lower right abdomen, which appears to be a kicky little tasseled heart pin — cute — mirrors the placement of Dad Perry's gunshot wound, confirming their life-and-death connection.
Not to mention, the most plottily significant time we've seen spooky witch Cheryl wear all white was her romantic rowboat outing with her twin-boyf Jason, ultimately leading to his untimely demise. And, as a scholar of Greek mythology, I feel compelled to point out that Sweetwater River, which separates Riverdale from its spookier counterpart Greendale, home of the Spellmans and known associates, has been paralleled with the River Styx. Is it any surprise that Cheryl would combine gunshot chic with a throwback to her time floating upon the rivers of purgatory?
I bet she keeps a daily photo lookbook chronicling her outfits, both to prevent repeats and self-reference her own dramz. And, of course, the pictures would move. Because witch. Maybe not a nose-wiggling or wand-waving one, but definitely and inarguably(ish) a witch. Case closed.
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW.
(Full disclosure: TV Guide is owned by CBS, one of The CW's parent companies.)