Question: Pay for my flight and hotel and I'll come to your book signing.

Answer: Look, people, I'm a world-renowned journalist, not a travel agent. That said, I can probably get you on a DHL flight leaving Thursday night at 11. As far as the hotel goes, there's a scary crack den lovely little place on E

ighth Avenue
called Hourly Inn that has plenty of vacancies. There's just one catch: You have to be willing to "entertain" a few times a day. But I think it'll be worth it. I mean, take another look at all the swag I'm giving away!