Our top moments of the week:
11. Coming Up Short Award: Everyone's got a gimmick on America's Got Talent. For one diminutive impersonator, that means dressing up as one of the judges' husbands and singing a song that was written about her! Thus, the aptly named Little Ozzy croons "Mama, I'm Coming Home," much to Sharon Osbourne's delight. "I have to tell you something. My husband is away from me right now, and it made me miss him even more by you singing me that song, so I really thank you," she says. But a compliment is all Little Ozzy gets, as he fails to advance to the next round.
10. Weirdest Probe: On Watch What Happens: Live, host Andy Cohen somehow manages to get his hands on a vintage Joey Lawrence doll circa his Blossom heyday, but Andy doesn't just wave his doll around for fun. He does some digging — and stripping — to reveal that the Joey doll wears bikini underwear and apparently man-scapes its sexless crotch, the former of which Lawrence said was his mom's idea. (She wanted to protect her then-underage son.) Whoa! Or should we say, yikes?
9. Worst Wigging Out: Kim Kardashian is still reeling from her divorce on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so Khloe tells her to do something kooky to take her mind off of it. (No, not Kanye.) Kim decides her post-split therapy will consist of an impromptu wig fashion show (including a cropped 'do that makes her look like momager Kris Jenner). Donning several new guises, she speaks in indeterminate accents and says things like "Oh, honey-boo-boo-child, why?" to her creeped-out bro Rob. The new identities momentarily allow Kim to forget her strife, but inflict it anew on all of us as we realize what a terrible actress she is.
8. Best Wigging
Out Off: Yes, technically the highlight of the Bravo spin-off Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding is Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann becoming husband and wife in the season finale. But true Real Housewives of Atlanta fans know the most climactic moment is seeing Kim's real hair for the first time. After four years in front of the camera, and under some pricy wigs, the reveal is slightly disappointing if only because... her real locks are shiny and gorgeous! She explains that she just wears wigs because she loves them, but we were really secretly hoping for some kind of a train wreck under there. Either way, hats, or in this case, hair off to Kim for building fans' expectations and turning such a small moment into a big event.
7. Scariest "What If": Bigfoot. The Loch Ness Monster. And now... mermaids? Animal Planet's Mermaids: The Body Found — a "speculative documentary" — posits the existence of human/fish hybrids. But unlike The Little Mermaid's friendly, dainty Ariel, the special — which uses terrifying CGI effects — depicts mermaids as creepy savages that more closely resemble rabid dolphins. In fake "found" footage, we witness a beached specimen attack a boy who pokes at it with a stick. After this, we can't be the only ones hoping mermaids aren't part of our world.
6. Most Deceiving Fake-Out: Reality competition shows love a good sob story, but So You Think You Can Dance takes it a little too far when telling the story of Marshea Kidd, a dancer who had auditioned three times before. The show reveals that Marshea and his sister, Jasmine, were in a car accident six weeks earlier and Marshea was pronounced dead at the scene. However, after airing interviews with his sister and mom, producers reveal that — psych! — Marshea actually lived and is in the audience. Jasmine auditions first before Marshea takes the stage just weeks after snapping his neck, and they both make it to the next round. A happy, if ethically dubious, emotionally manipulative ending.
5. Best Sneak Attack: Stannis Baratheon's fleet attempts to assault King's Landing on Game of Thrones, but as they drift into the Blackwater Bay, they encounter an unmanned ship, courtesy of Tyrion Lannister himself. On the Halfman's signal, the boat is set aflame, which then ignites wildfire, a highly volatile liquid that will burn cloth, wood, leather, steel... and even floats on the water, which basically sets the whole bay on fire. The resulting combustion is a chartreuse, savage thing of beauty that Joffrey's faction on land can only stare at in horror and awe. Smores, anyone?
4. Most Romantic Brush with the Law: After Jules and Grayson decide not to elope to Napa on the season finale of Cougar Town, it seems like fans of the Cul-de-Sac Crew will have to wait until Season 4 to see their wedding. But instead, the happy couple takes their therapist's advice about the importance of spontaneity and removes the blanket they are sharing on the beach to reveal Jules in a white dress and Grayson in a suit. Jules yells to her dad that "it's time" and he marries the two as they walk briskly down the beach and away from law enforcement (getting married on the beach is illegal). Jules and Grayson happily ride off on a horse into the sunset ... and on to TBS.
3. Foot in Mouth Award, Part 1: Love means never telling your partner that they're too fat, right? Well, The Bachelorette's Ryan never got that memo. When Emily jokes that her looks will go downhill after marriage, Ryan surprisingly tells her that that would be unacceptable. "I think you need to be [at] your very best," he says. "I would have a problem if you got lazy and fat. I would still love you, but I wouldn't love on you as much." Uh, you are trying to win her over, right? More shocking: After that machismo declaration, Emily doesn't send him packing... for now.
2. Foot in Mouth Award, Part 2: There are funny live TV gaffes and then there are the kind that make you cringe uncontrollably. Kathie Lee Gifford's Today interview with Martin Short takes a turn for the supremely awkward when she brings up the comedian's marriage to actress Nancy Dolman and asks how long they've been married. Problem is, Dolman died in 2010. Clearly caught off-guard, Short answers, "We... uh... married 36 years." Still clueless, Gifford follows up with, "But you're still in love?" "Madly in love," Short replies. "Why?" Gifford presses. "Because I'm cute," Short jokes, finally ending the painful exchange. After a commercial break, Gifford apologizes and says that Short informed her during the break that Dolman had died. Maybe it's time to put down the wine glass, KLG — or at least study up before an interview.
1. Boldest Move: Is this what the money is for? Joan heartbreakingly prostitutes herself on Mad Men to secure the Jaguar deal for SCDP. But money cannot buy an overworked and underappreciated Peggy. Moments after the firm lands Jaguar and Don learns that Joan had, um, provided her services to Herb, a nervous Peggy firmly tells Don that she's leaving to work for his arch enemy Teddy Chaough. Don tries to get her to stay with a raise, but she remains professional, emotionally detached and resolute. "There is no number," she tells her mentor. "I'm sorry, but you know this is what you would do." He does — and resigned, he grips Peggy's hand and kisses it for just a little too long, as a single tear rolls down her cheek. "Don't be a stranger," she croaks.
What were your top moments?