It was kind of a half-hearted week for TV: The Olympic cauldron malfunctioned, Tiger Woods made a weak apology, Kara DioGuardi tried unsuccessfully to convey an actual emotion and Lost got on our last nerve by giving us an answer that raised 10 more questions. Welcome to Top Moments: Not Quite There Edition.
11. Worst Snafu: After the militaristic precision of the 2008 Beijing Games' spectacular opening ceremonies, it's not unusual that expectations for Vancouver would be more... managed. But who could predict that the mechanized Olympic cauldron would break at the very moment of its unveiling? But that's exactly what happened, as the world watched Wayne Gretzky make this face.
10. Most Poignant Death: On a show like Big Love, all secrets are eventually revealed, and so it goes with Alby's secret affair with handsome (married) Mormon Dale. Though Bill promises to help him "get through this," a distraught Dale instead hangs himself inside the love nest that Alby had secured for their assignations.
9. Worst Table Manners: We've never been fond of Keeping Up with the Kardashians' Scott Disick. But Kourtney's baby daddy sinks to new depths by crashing an important birthday dinner for Kim. When Kris realizes he's had too much to drink, she tries to cut him off, but not in time to prevent a scuffle with a waiter that ends with Scott shoving a $100 bill in the poor guy's mouth.
8. Best Fake-Out: In an odd echo of The Bachelorette, Ali left The Bachelor for the sake of her career. And just like Ed did last season, Ali comes crawling back for a second chance. But unlike Jillian, Jake turns her down, saying it's too late to salvage their romance. Touché, Bachelor producers, you can still surprise us!
7. Worst Date: What would you do if your date brought a monkey with him? Patti's new Millionaire Matchmaker client, Jason Davis (aka "Gummy Bear"), does just that. A very patient Stephanie listens attentively as Gummy Bear discusses his parents' divorce, pausing only to, um, fart. How is he still single?
6. Best Live Television: America, f--- yeah! In an inspirational huddle between Shaun White and his coach, Bud Keane, before White's final run in the half-pipe competition, the pair celebrate White's assured gold medal with a little profanity. "Make sure you stomp the sh-- out of it," Keane says on live television. "Way to f---ing go, man." His Olympic spirit is positively contagious, but let's hope his oh-so-dirty mouth isn't!
5. Best Flashback: In a lecture to Seattle Grace's residents on Grey's Anatomy, The Chief recalls working on a mysterious case with Dr. Ellis Grey (aka Meredith's Mommie Dearest) back in 1982. Via flashback, we see the cheating docs (played by Sarah Paulson and J. August Richards) face prejudice and paranoia in their quest to figure out that their patient has what was then called GRID (Gay-Related Immune Deficiency) — essentially the first AIDS case seen anywhere in Seattle.
4. Media Circus Award: Tiger Woods convenes a 14-minute-long news conference to apologize for cheating on his wife and letting down his fans. His canned speech is contrite, for sure, but also lashes out at the media for hounding his wife and children and for saying his wife hit him. He credits his Buddhist roots for helping him through this difficult time. He doesn't take any questions from reporters, and ends the conference with photo-op-ready hugging sessions with his assembled guests.
3. Tackiest Manager: On Undercover Boss, Hooters CEO Coby Brooks anonymously shadows Jimbo, the manager of one of his restaurants in South Arlington, Texas. "Ladies, you want to leave early today? You're going to play my reindeer games," Jimbo announces to his employees. He means they have to see who can finish eating a plate of beans first without using her hands. Needless to say, Brooks is horrified that his altruistic venture is being exploited for such tasteless means.
2. Worst Sob Story: Poor Angela Martin. It's her third year auditioning for American Idol, and unfortunately for her, it is not a charm. This is terrible news, especially since, as the producers remind us, her father was murdered, her daughter is still having seizures and she had to go to jail! Worst of all, she has to endure a terrifying, "heartfelt" face-to-face with Kara DioGuardi, which has to have been more harrowing than the big house. [Update: Sts. Ellen and Kara are going to record a demo with Angela!]
1. Best Answer: [Deep exhale] What a relief! Thanks, UnLocke, for giving us one of the most satisfying answers we've ever gotten from Lost. "The numbers" are a sequence that Jacob assigned to six people from Oceanic 815 — passengers Shephard, Ford, Reyes, Jarrah, Locke and Kwon — who are candidates to replace him as protector of the island. But wait, why those numbers? And why those people? Jin or Sun Kwon? Why isn't Kate on that list? Protect the island from what? Argh!