Our top moments of the week:
14. Best Tutor: The final night of The Voice's blind auditions end on a high multilingual note when Christina Aguilera grabs Michael Lynch after his performance of Enrique Iglesias' Spanglish hit "Bailamos." However, Aguilera is shocked to learn that Michael is an Irish singer and only learned Spanish in school. Being part Latin American herself, Aguilera decides to teach Michael a thing or two about español and joins him on stage for an impromptu duet. Who needs Rosetta Stone when you have Christina Aguilera to teach you how to roll your Rs?
13. Weirdest Power: The third season of American Horror Story, subtitled Coven, introduces us to four teenaged witches, each with a unique power. The freakiest? Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) is a real tomcat in the sack, so much so that her unfortunate partners not only don't want to cuddle afterward, they hemorrhage and die! Hey, as long as there are no Nazis and aliens, we can deal with Death by Snu-Snu.
12. Worst News: Just when Beckett and Rick were settling into their long-distance relationship on Castle, McCord comes bearing bad news. "They knew it was you that tipped off the press," she tells Beckett, who had anonymously ID-ed a woman to protect her from a Russian mob. "A part of me really admires you for the choice that you made, maybe because I'd like to think there was a time I would've done it. But the people we answer to don't feel that way. I'm here to tell you you're fired." Ouch. The bright side? At least Beckett is now able to return to New York. But can she get her old job back?
11. Worst Take-Backsies: Think Simon Cowell is brutal? Paulina Rubio gives him a run for his mean-guy money during her turn at The X Factor's new Four Chair Challenge. After she sends fan favorite Tim Olstad home, the audience's almost riot-level chorus of boos causes her to reconsider and call a very relieved (and sweaty) Tim back to join her final four. Unfortunately, she then has to give the boot to one of her previously assumed "safe" contestants. Oopsies!
10. Angel of Death Award: Sam has really been through the wringer on Supernatural, but what Dean does to his brother in the Season 9 premiere might take the cake. Rather than let him die — which is what Sam wanted — Dean takes it upon himself to let the angel Ezekiel possess his brother long-term to heal him from the inside out. To make matters worse, Dean even has Ezekiel erase any memories that Sam had of being sick. So while the brothers' bond might seem the strongest it's been in years, it's only a matter of time before Sam finds out and everything falls apart.
9. Losing Control Award: Schmidt just wants everything to go back to the way it was in the loft on New Girl — you know, before Jess and Nick started sleeping together? When his efforts to mess with their heads fails, Schmidt takes a more direct approach and cuts Nick's condoms before running to the bathroom and eating Jess' birth control pills — instead of just throwing them down the sink like a normal jerk. "Full wheel, b----es!" he shouts when he finishes an entire package. At least we don't have to worry about any mini-Schmidts in our future. That's how it works, right?
8. Biggest Blindside: In what Jeff Probst calls "one of the most shocking votes and potentially one of the biggest shifts of power that has ever happened at Tribal Council," Brad Culpepper gets blindsided by his Survivor: Blood vs. Water teammates after Caleb pulls a switcheroo at the last second, announcing that he'll be writing down Brad's name and encouraging the rest of the tribe to do the same. It takes two rounds of voting, but eventually Brad is sent off to join his archenemies John and Candace on Redemption Island. (Brace yourselves for a lot of bleeps next week, folks!) "I'm not mad at you," the onetime tribe leader assures Caleb, who looks like he couldn't care less.
7. Most Explosive Ending: On Sons of Anarchy, Jax's beef with the Irish gets even more out of hand when Jax suggests that the Sons pass off their gun-running responsibilities to August Marks and the One-Niners. (Turns out, Jax underestimates the Kings' racism. Instead, the Irish secretly plan to bust Clay out of jail and let him run things once ties are severed with the Sons.) As for the severing, Jax's contact tells him to gather the entire club to discuss the "transition," but just before the vote, Jax realizes that it's all a setup. Fortunately, Jax is able to clear the clubhouse before a keg rigged with explosives destroys the Sons' hangout. But it's only a matter of time before SAMCRO goes up in flames too, right?
6. Most Awkward Bonding: Grey's Anatomy fans know all too well about April's squeaky-clean (and very religious) upbringing on a corn farm. But man, the girl really can't hold her liquor! When April gets drunk with Arizona in a supply closet, she asks Arizona if she can try on her prosthetic leg. (No, really.) Thank goodness Arizona finds it hilarious, but somebody needs to get April two Advil and a big glass of water, stat!
5. Best Diss: Not everyone was pleased with Julianne Hough's guest-judging stint on Dancing with the Stars. After critiquing Christina Milian's performance, the former pro gets in a dig at childhood friend and notorious Dancing ham Mark Ballas. "There were moments where I felt like, choreography-wise, I felt like it was two people dancing side-by-side rather than together," Hough says. "So I really want to see [Milian] shine. I've danced with Mark. You have to stand in front to make sure you're seen." Oh, snap! Ballas is still fuming, but dude, she didn't say anything that's not true.
4. Most Shocking Announcement: In between taking down corrupt cops and helping to save her boyfriend's life on Law & Order: SVU, the still-fragile Benson gets some shocking news from Capt. Cragen: Det. Munch turned in his retirement papers. Olivia is taken aback by the sudden news, but not as much as fans, who have been following Munch for more than 20 years on 10 different shows. Hey, if retirement doesn't suit him well, we hear his old Baltimore PD colleague Frank Pembleton is now going by the name Ray Holt and is the captain of a precinct in Brooklyn that could really use a skilled set of hands.
3. Most Overdue Death: After the team on Bones tries once again to lure Pelant out of hiding, the cyber-serial killer reveals his true plot: to win the affections of Brennan. Although he lures Brennan to his secret hideout, she rejects Pelant, which leads to a final standoff between Pelant and Booth, who arrives in the nick of time to shoot Pelant before he can set off an explosive that would kill them all. The death feels kind of anticlimactic, but at least it clears the way for what we all really want: the Booth-Brennan wedding!
2. Best Goodbye: Glee's farewell to Finn, and subsequently the late Cory Monteith, features heartbreaking vocal performances and heartfelt expressions of grief. But the world simply stops in the fraught moment when Finn's on-and-off love, Rachel (and Monteith's real-life girlfriend Lea Michele), enters the choir room and talks openly, gently about her love for Finn. She then performs a plaintive cover of Adele's "Make You Feel My Love," hitting every note even as she sniffles between bars and tears stream down her cheeks. It's hard for us not to feel her love — and her pain.
1. Craziest Monologue: Yeezus talks. And talks and talks and talks. When Kanye West drops by Jimmy Kimmel Live to settle his Twitter feud with Jimmy Kimmel, it's hard to keep track of what his initial beef was, what with his epic, stream-of-consciousness rant about everything from celebrity and fashion to his "creative genius" ("For me to say I wasn't a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself," he says) and why Kim Kardashian deserves a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Seriously. "They said something about they're not gonna put my girl on the Walk of Fame because she's a reality star," he says. "It's like, people are so, so dated and not modern. It's like, there's no way a Kim Kardashian shouldn't have a star on the Walk of Fame. It's ridiculous." You know what else is ridiculous, Kanye? Your insistence that you don't care about fame.
What were your top moments?