Our top moments of the week:
15. Best Clean Slate: New year, new look for Walden (Ashton Kutcher). Though he's initially upset that Zoey wants him to shave and look presentable for a corporate shindig on Two and a Half Men, Walden finally gives in and does away with his hirsute hobo look. Later, however, Zoey comes over to apologize for forcing him to change and is stunned to see her clean-shaven and much younger-looking beau. You know Ashton couldn't have hidden the pretty for much longer.
14. Most Substantial Goodbye: After Agent McQuaid and her friend Laura are killed on CSI, Willows comes under fire when a hit squad unleashes a flurry of bullets at her house. She manages to fire a few shots back before diving out of her house and into Russell's car. But she isn't exactly in the clear: She's been shot in the side. Willows still has one episode left before Marg Helgenberger bids adieu after 11 years, but that's how you (start to) go out with a bang.
13. Best New Birther Controversy: Everyone feted Betty White's birthday on her NBC special — including President Barack Obama. The POTUS pens a letter to our favorite Golden Girl, but it seems to have an ulterior motive. "You look so fantastic and full of energy; I can't believe you're 90 years old," he writes. "In fact, I don't believe it. That's why I'm writing to ask if you will be willing to produce a copy of your long-form birth certificate. Thanks, and happy birthday, no matter how old you are." So, tell us, Mr. President, why don't you want to see Zooey Deschanel's birth certificate? (Fun fact: White, Deschanel and Michelle Obama have the same birthday.)
12. Weirdest Pregnancy Scare: On-again, off-again, on-again sisters Kim and Kyle Richards share a much-needed heart-to-heart when Kim confesses that she wants out of her destructive and controlling relationship on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. However, the always-unpredictable Kim throws her sister for a big loop when she says her period is late... by three months. Considering Kim is thin as a rail in the clip and is, no offense, 47 years old, it only makes sense when Kyle asks if it's menopause. Kim then, for some reason, takes her shoe off her foot and slams it against her hand while insisting to Kyle that she is going to have another baby. But then she tells the camera she'd prefer "a puppy or a kitty." Considering her erratic behavior all season, we think even a puppy or kitty is pushing it.
11. Most Unnecessary Return: On The Bachelor, Shawntel, the funeral director from last season, returns for a shot with Ben. He's shocked to see her naturally, but the other ladies mask their own surprise by getting predictably nasty, commenting on Shawntel's thick thighs (Erika) and calling her "Brad's dumpster trash" (Jaclyn). Ironically, they were both sent packing — along with Shawntel. Now they all have something in common: They're all Ben's dumpster trash!
10. The First Rule of Fight Club Is You Don't Talk About Fight Club Award: On New Girl, Nick spends most of Schmidt's 29th birthday worrying that his new galpal Julia (guest star Lizzy Caplan) will think he and his friends are weirdos. She tries to tell him not to stress, but she really gets the point across when she waves her own freak flag and beats the crap out of one of Schmidt's obnoxious college friends, martial arts-style. She later reveals her anger-management issues to a slightly confused, slightly turned-on Nick. Something tells us their break-up is going to be really ugly.
9. Funniest Bleep: While preparing for her flower girl duties on Modern Family, Lily drops the F-bomb (for the record, child actor Aubrey Anderson-Emmons said "fudge" during the filming), which causes Cam to dissolve into a fit of giggles (children cursing and old people rapping are his weaknesses). He and Mitch decide to put her on verbal lockdown for the wedding, but when Cam starts crying during the spectacularly garish ceremony, Lily knows exactly what to say to cheer her dad up. Cue laughter from the entire church. One group that's not laughing? The No Cussing Club. But hey, a child discovering profanity is every parent's rite of passage, so why the face?
8. Best and Worst Save: The Kalinda Redemption Tour continues on The Good Wife when our favorite private investigator is faced with either protecting evidence that could destroy Will in the State's Attorney office's investigation or saving Alicia from getting disbarred over a forged legal document. Despite her longtime friendship with Will, Kalinda once again goes out of her way to protect Alicia and hands over the damning evidence against Will to prosecutor Dana Lodge. Sorry, Will, when it comes to getting in the way of a Kalinda-Alicia reconciliation, you never stood a chance.
7. Old Habits Die Hard Award: When Brad is offended that Jane claims to have changed him to suit her on Happy Endings, he reverts to Old Brad — his sweats-wearing, turkey dog-eating, Sugar Ray-listening college persona who created Blackass, a black version of Jackass. And to really stick it to Jane, Old Brad and his Blackass crew — including a black Wee Man — perform a stunt in his condo: the Snack Pack Mousetrap Front Flip, which consists of jumping off a trampoline and landing on containers of pudding that are surrounded by mousetraps. Old Brad nails it... until he slips when Jane catches him and hysterically gets devoured by the traps. So how long will it take for Blackass to actually happen?
6. Best Renewed Commitment: Emily initially says yes when Daniel asks her to marry him on Revenge, but she has second thoughts about her master plan of vengeance against the Graysons when that other guy she likes — Jack — is injured in a related attack. Just when she's about to hand back the ring and tell Daniel she needs more time, Daniel reveals that Charlotte is David Clarke's daughter because David forced himself on Victoria. Knowing the truth, that Victoria was in love with David, she suddenly asks Daniel how a June wedding sounds. "You still want to marry into my crazy family?" "More than ever," she replies. Wedding, er, game on!
5. Penis Joke of the Week Award: We weren't the only ones at a loss when Wikipedia went dark in protest of SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act). Jon Stewart couldn't look up what SOPA even is! "What do they expect us to do?" Stewart cries. "Go to the library? Like a common masturbator?" The Daily Show host then points out that SOPA wouldn't remove sites altogether, but just block people from accessing them. "It's sort of like coming up with a plan to prevent teen pregnancy that includes filling penises with cement," Stewart quips. And that is the best penis joke we've heard all week.
4. Best Reveal: Alcatraz set up many mysteries in its two-hour series premiere, namely how more than 300 guards and prisoners vanished into thin air in 1963 only to reappear in present day without having aged a day. However, the series saved the most intriguing bit of information for last — revealing in the end that that Dr. Lucy Banerjee, who has been working with former Alcatraz guard Emerson Hauser to recover the missing '63s, is actually one of them as a result of having been in the prison on the day of the disappearances. Thank goodness this only took two hours to uncover, as opposed to six seasons.
3. No One Is Safe Award: Two days after ripping Hollywood a new one hosting the Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais certainly isn't going to let David Letterman off scot-free. When Letterman asks if he, Gervais and Gervais' frequent collaborator Stephen Merchant could all sit down for a meal some time, Letterman tries to make a joke about eating "that tasteless white fish" famous across the pond. Instead of helping him out, Gervais lets Letterman stammer for a few minutes and then motions to the cameraman to cut the footage. "You can cut all this out, can't you?" he asks out loud before pondering how much worse Letterman is going to get in a few years. Letterman finally remembers the name, Dover sole, but it's way too late to get Gervais to back down. "What, Granddad? Dover sole?!" That sound was Dave completely losing his appetite.
2. Worst Doppelganger: We used to think there was no one more insufferable than Ryan Seacrest, until the Season 11 premiere of American Idol introduces us to contestant Shaun Kraisman. Kaisman walks, talks, dresses and acts exactly like the Idol host, only he is 100 times cheesier (if you can believe that!). Fortunately, Kraisman's singing chops don't measure up, so he is homeward- rather than Hollywood-bound. Seacrest wannabe... out!
1. Most Indecent Proposals: Glee's boundary-less educator Will Schuester decides it's a good idea to recruit his students — who he creepily calls "his family" — to find a suitable song to accompany his ultimately successful marriage proposal to Emma. He settles on Rihanna's "Who Found Love?" but who even remembers that? Music takes a backseat to a crowded poolside spectacle that includes a Busby Berkeley-style synchronized-swimming number, Artie diving headfirst into a pool (eek), Rachel and Santana in full-on Ethel Merman garb and a white suit-wearing Mr. Schu walking on water. Those kids must be exhausted! (Bonus proposal: A dazed and confused Finn, who finally learns how his dad really died, pops the question to a stunned Rachel. Dramatic fade to black. No added production value needed.)
What were your top moments?