Our top moments of the week:
13. Funniest Name: On Bachelor Pad, the contestants have to run through an obstacle course called "The Hot Sludge Fundae." As hilarious as it is to watch the players fumble through foam that looks like ice cream and a chocolate syrup-soaked slide, it's the last leg of the race, which host Chris Harrison informs us is called "The Nut Sack," that makes us laugh the hardest. (Yes, we're 12.)
12. Most X-Rated Christmas Carol: Countess LuAnn tries to mix things up on The Real Housewives of New York City by hiring a metal band to play her holiday-themed benefit. It all seems innocent enough at first as the ladies gamely, awkwardly join the band to croak out a rendition of "Jingle Bells." But then a band member grabs a megaphone and shouts, "I want to you f--- you in the a--" — multiple times — to the complete shock and horror of the Countess, whose cheeks turn rosier than Santa's. Someone is getting a lump of coal in their stocking.
11. Dirtiest Games: On Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Honey (real name: Alana Thompson) and her family head to an event that would make Jeff Foxworthy proud: the Redneck Olympics! There, they compete in such time-honored events as bobbing for pigs' feet (sister Pumpkin comes in third), jumping into a mud pit and armpit-farting. They also get "redneck facials," which also involves mud. Yeah, we think we'll stick to NBC's London feed, thanks.
10. Most Uninspiring Elimination: Last season, Ryan Murphy & Co. named not one, but four winners of The Glee Project. This season will be decidedly different. On the penultimate episode, Murphy eliminates two contestants instead of just one, deciding to only keep the individuals who "inspire him." Now if he could only be that cutthroat with the ever-growing cast of supporting characters on Glee (we're looking at you, Sugar).
9. Golden Girls Award: Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings make another gold medal the punctuation of the sentence of their mind-bogglingly successful beach volleyball partnership by three-peating as Olympic champions. Though it's their last match together (May-Treanor's retiring), their final victory is swift, beating fellow Americans Jennifer Kessy and April Ross in a mere 35 minutes. May-Treanor and Walsh Jennings, who won 112 straight matches ending in 2008, are the first beach volleyball players to three-peat and leave the Olympic stage undefeated. Talk about a perfect ending.
8. Worst Benefit of the Doubt: On Suits' flashback episode, we learn that Hardman resigned because Harvey and Jessica busted him for embezzling from clients. While Jessica initially takes pity on Hardman when he tells her that he's caring for his cancer-stricken wife, Alicia, Donna's eavesdropping/sleuthing reveals that Hardman is having an affair with and playing sugar daddy to a young associate. Leave it to Harvey to interrupt their midday hotel romp and threaten to bring Alicia up to catch him red-handed unless he resigns. Is that what you call a plea deal?
7. Biggest Thud: Stephan Feck makes a name for himself at the Olympics, but for all the wrong reasons. While attempting a forward three-and-a-half somersault during the 3-meter springboard preliminaries, the German diver loses his grip on his left leg, forcing him to spin out of his tuck and land flat on his back in the water. Ouch! Adding insult to possible actual injury, he receives all zeroes for the dive and has to drop out of the competition after the next round. The good news for Stephan: It can only get better from here in Rio.
6. Worst Reveal: After almost a year of wondering who the leak on The Closer is, the penultimate episode reveals that it's Gabriel... sort of. In the middle of the case-of-the-week, Gabriel is called to Pope's office, where he finds his new girlfriend Anne in tears. She explains that Goldman, the attorney who was suing Brenda and the LAPD for the death of Turrell Baylor, paid off $60,000 of her law school loans in exchange for dirt. So yes, it was Anne that told Goldman that Gabriel thought that Brenda had crossed a line by leaving Baylor in gang territory. It's emotional (she really does love him!) and tense (Flynn and Sanchez want nothing to do with Gabriel), but ultimately unsatisfying — since Gabriel's conspicuous absence from the cast of the spin-off Major Crimes kind of spoiled this outcome months ago.
5. (Not) Ready to Rumble Award: You can always count on one thing from the Today show's Olympic coverage: Matt Lauer and Al Roker will tape a hilarious segment in which they attempt to learn an Olympic sport. In London, they take on Greco-Roman wrestling with the help of Dremiel Byers and Ellis Coleman. The pair of grapplers lift, twist, spin, head-lock and slam the anchors all over the mat, solely for our viewing pleasure. At one point, Roker cries "Mommy," while Lauer learns the hard way why Coleman is called the "flying squirrel." But when it's finally time for the amiable pair —Bob Costas dubs Matt "The Tower of Power" Lauer and Al "The Sternum Choker" Roker — to face off, they decide to get a beer instead. Lame! But we're OK with that. After all, nothing will ever top their luging lesson.
4. Best Fightin' Words: On Breaking Bad, Walt and Skyler have a shouting match after Skyler attempts to drown herself in the pool. But it was actually a ruse Skyler cooked up to protect the kids by getting them out of the house — and away from Walt. (Looks like somebody's learned a thing or two about manipulation from The One Who Knocks.) But for all of Walt's intimidation and belittling of Skyler, she strikes the winning blow when she confesses that her only real strategy is to wait. "What are you waiting for?" Walt asks. "For the cancer to come back," she replies coldly. Nothing says "I love you" quite like "I want you to die!"
3. Best Goal: After two hours of thrilling, gutsy play — including a hat trick by Canada's Christine Sinclair — the Olympic semifinal between the U.S. and Canadian women soccer teams seemed to be headed to penalty kicks with the game tied at 3-3. But in the 123rd minute, with 30 seconds left before the shootout, Alex Morgan — who hadn't scored since the U.S.' opening match — drills a header off a cross by Heather O'Reilly to send the U.S. to the gold medal match for the fifth straight Olympics. The goal was reminiscent of Abby Wambach's header off Megan Rapinoe's cross in last year's World Cup quarterfinal against Brazil that saved the Americans from elimination. (And there's a happier ending this time too: The U.S. avenged its loss to Japan in the World Cup final with a 2-1 win for its third straight gold medal.)
2. Most Shocking Case of Mistaken Identity: After everyone on Dallas — including Christopher (took you long enough, bro!) — figures out that Rebecca Sutter isn't who she says she is, we learn in the jaw-dropping season finale that she's actually the daughter of longtime Ewing rival Cliff Barnes, and an accomplice in his plan to take down the Ewings. And yes, for those keeping track of the convoluted family tree at home, that means she's pregnant with her adopted cousin's twins. And you thought Game of Thrones was twisted?
1. The Legend Grows Award: Has there ever been a more aptly named athlete than Usain Bolt? The Jamaican sprinter blazes to another easy victory in the 200 meters at the Olympics in 19.32 seconds to become the first man to defend the event and the first to sweep the 100 and 200 twice. As he crosses the line, Bolt holds his left index finger to his mouth to shush any and all critics. After defending his 100 title on Sunday, Bolt said he couldn't call himself a legend until he repeated in the 200. Now? "It's what I came here to do," he says. "I'm now a legend. I'm also the greatest athlete to live." No argument here.
What were your top moments?