Our top moments of the week:
12. Tastiest Defense: How do you know when your airline passenger is done? You stick a fork in him, naturally. Or at least, that's what Maggie does on Pan Am when a male first-class flyer (and first-class sleazebag) tries to feel her up and pull her into the bathroom for a break. It's about 50 years later, but we'd still stab someone with a fork if they tried to pull us into the airplane bathroom.
11. The Edge of Sanity Award: Susan deals with her immense guilt over helping to hide Carlos' murder on Desperate Housewives the only way she knows how: by acting like a crazy woman. She handcuffs herself for accidentally forgetting to pay for soda and parks in the fire lane on purpose — all in the hopes of getting the punishment she so desperately craves. However, when the cop — a new dad overcome with joy — refuses to give her a parking ticket, she kicks his motorcycle over and then, yes, rips up the photo of his newborn baby. Are the ladies of the Lane going to commit her, or should we?
10. Most Heartbreaking Goodbye: Following his arrest and almost getting charged with assault, Alex realizes he must break up with Haddie on Parenthood. Sure, it's hard breaking up with a longtime girlfriend (especially when she doesn't want to break up), but the real tearjerker is watching Alex say goodbye to Haddie's mom, Kristina. The ever-intuitive Kristina reads that this is a final goodbye and tells him he's like family as he squeezes her tightly and tears run down his face. Parting really is such sweet sorrow.
9. Best Dance: Nick and Jess 'shippers probably thought they were going to have great material for a 'shipping video when he asks her to dance at a wedding on New Girl. But instead of a traditional slow dance, they — and eventually Winston and Schmidt — bust a move to "A Groovy Kind of Love" by doing Jess' personalized Chicken Dance (pecking instead of clapping). It's very, um, what's that word again?
8. Best Twist Ending: There's no way House could end its season premiere with our favorite curmudgeonly diagnostician still behind bars, right? Guess again. When House disobeys the prison's medical director by attempting a radical test to save a fellow inmate's life, House has his parole revoked and is sent to solitary confinement for the remainder of his term. Luckily, Odette Annable's Dr. Adams administers the test, and, despite losing her job, proves House is right. We're sure he'll make it up to her on the outside by offering a job.
7. Hottest Topic: Tempers flare on The View after Barbara Walters says the N-word while quoting the racial epithet in a story about Rick Perry's controversial hunting camp. "I didn't like the way you said it. I don't know if it's a semantics thing, but it's something that goes through my body," Sherri Shepherd says, adding that she was "fine" with the way Whoopi Goldberg said the word. Shepherd then admits that her anger has to do with the fact that Walters is white. "I never knew you felt this way, and I find it just amazing," Walters replies.
6. Best Regret-in-the-Making: When Diane begins to suspect that Alicia and her husband have split on The Good Wife, she tries to ask Alicia, and then Will, about the truth. After he plays it coy — you know, instead of telling her about the presidential suite and that one night in his apartment — Diane makes him promise that Alicia will get the boot if her estranged ties to Peter begin to hurt the firm. Wow, we can't wait to see that blow up in his face — in that slow-burn, we-didn't-see-that-coming-even-though-we-did Good Wife way, naturally.
5. Dressed to the Nines Award: The last time Happy Endings' Brad snapped his fingers and his pants dropped, he was wearing boxers. This time? A shirtdress — a hilarious visual payoff after he claimed he thought it was a men's shirt when he bought it at Alex's store. "How did you not know that that was a dress?" Jane asks. Oh, but he did: "I had my suspicions. But the price is right and daddy likes a deep tuck."
4. Best Intel: Is Homeland's Carrie crazy or is she onto something? Looks like it's a little of both. On the series premiere, the bipolar CIA officer finally finds evidence to support her seemingly half-baked theory that Sgt. Nicholas Brody may have been turned by Al-Qaeda when she notices that his hands twitch in the same repetitive pattern every time he's on TV — as if he's tapping out a code. Saul can't help but agree: "We should explore this further." We're in.
3. Most Moving Tearjerker: Not a dry eye is left in the house when Dancing with the Stars hopeful and war veteran J.R. Martinez — who was burned in Iraq after driving over a landmine — channels all of his pain and emotion into a poignant rumba, which he dedicates to the soldiers who didn't come home. He bursts into tears after it ends, while the audience gives him a sustained standing O. "Heroes are normal people," a weepy Carrie Ann Inaba tells him. "Tonight, you did something extraordinary: You touched us all." We hope you had some Kleenex nearby.
2. The Ultimate Guilty Pleasure Award: He may be a therapist, but American Horror Story's Ben would definitely benefit from some of his own time on someone's couch. After cheating on his wife, and her subsequently losing their baby, he begins having weird visions in which their old maid is a hot young thing who likes to, well, "find herself" in their haunted house. Ben masturbates to the image of the maid doing the same but starts crying with shame as soon as he finishes. We wish we could tell you that was the weirdest part of this show so far, but we'd be lying.
1. Most Triumph-ant Return: In his first NBC appearance since unceremoniously leaving The Tonight Show in January 2010, Conan O'Brien visits his old stomping grounds of 16 years at Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. O'Brien compliments his longtime drummer Max Weinberg (aka Fallon's drummer ?uestlove) on his drastic new 'do, before Fallon asks, "You were here for 16 years and then what happened?" The two share an awkward laugh, and Coco finally admits that he's really there to retrieve something he left behind in the couch: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. "I think I'm gonna need it again," he says. His settlement with NBC prevents him from using the character elsewhere (aka Conan), or has that changed? Because that would be great news... for Triumph to poop on.
What were your top moments?