Lovelorn Losers, It's Your Lucky Day!

Singletons, take heart. You know Sipowicz from NYPD Blue? Yeah, the detective who's more gruff than buff. He's now cohabitating with a graduate of the Supermodel Police Academy. And overly made-up Drew Carey scream queen Mimi? She's married. Married! To a transvestite the size of The Rock, but nonetheless. Same for Frasier priss Niles. (Minus the transvestite part.) Do you know what all this means? That's right, fellow spinsters — if losers like these can get on the scoreboard, there's hope for us all this Valentine's Day. And, to prove it, TV Guide Online has borrowed Cupid's bow and arrow to play matchmaker for a few of the tube's sorriest soloists. Ain't love grand!

Clark Kent, Smallville, and Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Oh, to be young, gifted and... really, really freaky. Indeed, both the future Superman and the Chosen One know the burden of being different. And, although the butt-kicking protector of Sunnydale tends to favor older men — usually way older ones, as in tortured blood-suckers centuries her senior — she might make Krypton's underage export an exception to that particular rule. After all, how often does a harried heroine run across a guy who can not only rock her world, but save it, too?

Capt. Jonathan Archer, Enterprise, and Chiana, Farscape: Although el capitán calls a spaceship home, he never sees stars, if you know what we mean. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.) But, were he to look beyond his cold-hearted Vulcan crush to a hot-blooded Nebari like Moya's resident nymphet, we have no doubt that he'd be orbiting her heavenly body in no time. Heck, if there's one thing that the extraterrestrial strumpet prefers to a man in uniform, it's a man out of uniform. Best of all, the intergalactic come-ons would be priceless: "You know, Jonny, in space, no one can hear you scream." All aboard!

Jack McFarland, Will & Grace, and Waylon Smithers, The Simpsons: Monty Burns's assistant likes his job, sure. But he loves his miserly boss. (Hey, there's no accounting for taste.) Trouble is, Springfield's Scrooge doesn't return — or even notice — his feelings. So we respectfully suggest that Smithers offset his workload with some serious play. We've even selected the one chap animated enough to draw out the cartoon kiss-up. Who could it be? Oh, just Jack. A couple of dates with the song-and-dance man, and all that'll be left in Smithers's closet is an abandoned shrine to his employer.

Steven Harper, Boston Public, and Ramona Platt, Less Than Perfect: As many times as we imagine feisty network grunt Ramona has sung "Someday My Prince Will Come" to herself, we bet by this point she'd be willing to forego his highness for a nice, stable high school principal. Mind you, Steven seems a little buttoned-down. But that shouldn't be a big problem for Ramona. If anybody could teach the straight arrow to bend, it's the attention-grabbing pole dancer at the head of her strip-aerobics class. Once he learns that valuable love-life lesson, they're sure to spend every study hall, uh, clapping erasers.

Kerry Hennessy, 8 Simple Rules... , and Ephram Brown, Everwood: Should they ever darken one another's door, these angst-ridden adolescents would be more likely to commence dissing than kissing — at first, at least. Once the his-and-hers brood-off is done, however, we're positive that they'd become a happy couple. How could they not?! In addition to mixing and matching articles of funereal clothing and exchanging helpful hints on eye-rolling and exasperated sighing, the pouty babies could come up with new and improved putdowns for their dads. And they say romance is dead.

Toby Ziegler, The West Wing, and Carmella Soprano, The Sopranos: Tony's missus turned a blind eye when he ordered hits, but saw red when he hit on other dames. An unusual set of priorities, you say? Absofrickinlutely, we reply. Regardless, she needn't forgive her spouse's infidelity or fughedaboudit. Not when there are good fellas like Toby on the market. Far as we can tell, it's been so long since the Oval Office drone was served an entrée, it wouldn't even occur to him to order a side dish. Besides, if by some miracle he ever did get caught sleeping with another woman, the Mafia donna has family friends who could make him sleep with the fishes. Don't it just make the strings of your heart go bada-bing?