Tonight was an extra-special evening of Dancing With the Stars for TV junkies like me, because all the music that was stepped to were themes from your favorite and not-so-favorite television shows! I don't know whose idea this was, but whoever it was deserves to be simultaneously given a promotion and escorted out of the building by security.
What a "so crazy it just might work" idea! On one hand, a particularly smart team picked my FAVORITE TV THEME OF ALL TIME! On the other hand, someone thought it would be a good idea to dance to The Walking Dead theme. Ummm, no. Just because a show has killer ratings doesn't mean it has a danceable theme song. Otherwise, Calvin Johnson would have strutted to Faith Hill's Monday Night Football theme (still the king of football themes).
So how did everyone do? Sharpen those shoe taps, press that collar, and let's go over each and every dance!
The dance: If anyone needed a bounce back dance after Week 1, it was Maureen, who spent her debut dance in awe of the rafters and the lights rather than present in her dance. And rebound she did! In a dance helped out by dancing extras (with an assist from Florence Henderson), Maureen looked happy out there, she looked ready to be on the show instead of a wide-eyed fan wondering if she was going to have a stroke and there was some spark out there between her and Artem. She also didn't cry, which I understand is a good thing while dancing. Plus, don't think we didn't see that one dancer move her head the wrong way at the beginning! C'mon, anonymous dancer!
What the judges say: They said everything I said, basically, because I know what the heck I'm talking about. More energy, more confidence, decent dancing.
Score: 26/40, up from the 22 last week. Florence Henderson looked pissssssed. I wouldn't want to be Mike Brady tonight.
The dance: Jana ripped up some muscles in her back during training, but the power of pure sex must have healed her because she didn't leave the floor in a stretcher. Last week, the sexual chemistry between these two was the headline, so I figured they would tone it down, maybe wear a chastity belt and a priest's collar or something. NO SUCH LUCK. Jana wore a "dress" that showed the top of her thigh, and frankly, I'm shocked! Did I say shocked? I meant stoked. Technically, they danced better than last week, but there was a bit of "okay, now we're doing this step, now we're doing this step" to the routine. We'll give Jana a pass on not showing how much fun she's having as she was probably hoping the cortisone shot she took would prevent her from snapping in half, but next week we won't be so kind.
What the judges say: Julianne wanted Jana to use her "gorgeous legs" more, and I'm totally okay with that. Bruno lost his mind and put his leg behind his head.
Score: 29/40, up from 27 last week. Len gave them the solo 8, everyone else went with 7s.
The dance: The hillbilly backdrop was pretty appropriate here, and hey! Rick Perry was definitely better this week, but Emma still looked like she was moving an old refrigerator around the dance floor because Rick's knees need some more WD-40. Rick also turned up the politicizing and campaigned for some votes by dropping the fact that he's dancing for veterans. Sensing elimination, he would have frenched a baby if he had the chance.
What the judges say: Bruno, who lost his mind, compared it to a bad cold and then didn't realize why that was a bad thing. Do they let these judges out of the soundstage ever?
Score: 22/40, up from last week's 20. These two should be going home tomorrow, unless the Perry contingent shows up.
The dance: OMG I wish I was in the Detroit Lions' locker room right now, because they are probably all hyperventilating. Megatron dressed up as Urkel, pulling his suspenders, and showed off that grin that caught everyone's attention last week. Calvin was much more fluid this week, his biggest problem in Week 1. There were no discernible errors, it was just solid all around. People want to root for this guy. I want to root for this guy. Are you rooting for this guy?
What the judges say: Carrie Ann said he was "cute." Julianne said he has a surprising spark. Calvin is impressing.
Score: 28/40, up from 26 seven days ago. Also, Jaleel White, the original Urkel, showed up.
The dance: Well, straight talk, this really wasn't a good theme song to dance to. It's such a grand theme full of dragons, humping and decapitations, but here, even dressed as Daenerys Targaryen and Khal Drogo, it was more like an awkward Game of Thrones-themed wedding. Amber definitely learned from her Week 1 mistakes and "connected" with Maks during the dance, but her feet had a hard time connecting with the floor and there were noticeable stumbles. From what I know, that's a no-no in dancing.
What the judges say: Julianne told Amber to lose the shoes. Bruno lost his mind. Just wait 'til he watches Game of Thrones!
Score: 24/40, 6s across the board. Finally, Game of Thrones lost something!
The dance: Didn't this guy leave The Fosters because he wanted a more adult image and was sick of playing teens? So far he's danced to One Direction and a children's show theme song. Okay, kid, whatever you say. Will your fans' parents let their kids use the phone to vote? The dance itself was better than last week, but he still looks like a person who is taking a dancing lesson, and that's not going to win this thing. There's the strategy of attacking a demographic really hard in the hopes that they call in, but will it work?
What the judges say: Carrie Ann and Len said Jake was dancing ahead of the music, and that's not how you dance.
Score: 24/40, all 6s and two more than last week. He's one Rick Perry away from going home.
The dance: If Vanilla Ice wants to play the show's class clown, I'm cool with that. He wants to have fun out there, and this number opened with a mini-skit as 'Nilla's Al Bundy sat on his couch watching Dancing With the Stars. The theme song fit surprisingly well with the dance, too, but it didn't seem as though it was a particularly difficult dance. There's some real talent in Ice, but he's a bit inconsistent to keep it all going throughout the whole routine. Witney did Peg Bundy, but as a blonde. You have to dock a point for that.
What the judges say: Carrie Ann told Mr. Ice to not lip synch, and Len said it was a "Thrilla from Vanilla." Bruno lost his mind.
Score: 26/40, up 1 from their first dance.
The dance: Sorry, live audience, you didn't get to see the sweet black and white opening. But they did see Terra, who is quite a good dancer! She makes dancing look easy, and the basic steps that others are having problems with she handles with ease. Great personal story aside, Terra looks great out there and is now in the running for the top.
What the judges say: Julianne said it was her favorite dance of the night. Bruno lost his mind.
Score: 31/40, a huge leap over the 25 from last week.
The dance: True story: I dance to The X-Files theme all the time at home, so I get it. But I would not choose this song to dance on national TV to. But then all of a sudden it went all Argentinian with some killer percussion and then people were like, wait whaaaaaat? Babyface produced the track and added all those flairs! How cool is that? Is that fair? Honestly, the music was so distracting (in a good way?) I could barely see the dancing, but what I did see looked sharp. Babyface knows the music, and it shows. However I did very clearly see what you all saw: Babyface and Allison's lips millimeters apart for about four full seconds after the music ended. Get a room you two!
What the judges say: Julianne said he's the biggest surprise so far, and will have the most interesting journey. Bruno... didn't lose his mind?
Score: 30/40, up from 26. Suddenly, the competitive field is getting a little more crowded, no?
The dance: THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME. Laurie could have flopped around on the floor like a dying fish and I still would have given this a perfect 10. Criticisms first: there are some minor timing issues, but Laurie, unsurprisingly, is the best dancer who isn't a pro. She's got the personality, the spunk and the moves, and nothing can stop her. Sorry everyone else. On top of that, she and Val fell into a pile of money at the end like Huell and Kuby in Breaking Bad. My only question: Was she supposed to be Huey, Dewey or Louie? (The answer is Huey, because he wears red.)
What the judges say: Julianne called her Disney's Beyonce... dang! Shut it down, it's over. Give her the trophy. Bruno lost his mind.
Score: 32/40. Top score of the night!
The dance: I have a feeling this was one of those projects where no one had the courage to say, "Guys, are we sure we want to do this?" Because the concept behind this routine was silly at best, dumb at worst. The dancing itself, which involved Sharna and James playing zombie apocalypse survivors while zombies danced around them, was a little off from the surprising debut dance last week. I dunno, Dancing With Zombies just didn't work for me. Props for James for racing this week and still coming in to dance, though.
What the judges say: Julianne and Carrie Ann wanted them to use their shaping better, while Len said something about werewolves? Someone get Len a television!
Score: 29/40, down from the 31 in Week 1. A bit generous if you ask me!
The dance: You'd think dancing to the Taxi theme song would be hard, and you're right! But give it up to these two for pulling out a dance that actually worked with the flute-y opening. The good news is this was much more Marilu's speed, and she performed a lot better than before. The bad news, it wasn't nearly as exciting. Still, you gotta work with what you got.
What the judges say: Len said the car was a taxi but the dance was a Rolls Royce. Bruno lost his mind and said something about Uber.
Score: 29/40, an 8 from Len.
The dance: Ryan was asked who his favorite Muppet was, and he said, "I guess the green dude." So you know ABC isn't trying to protect him as hard as they claimed to be with the sob story about the protesters last week. Ryan went with a lime green tux and Cheryl wore a pink dress for some Kermit (the green dude, Ryan) and Miss Piggy coloring, which I guess you gotta do if you're dancing to The Muppets. The routine itself was fun, but Ryan still looks like he's dancing with billiard cues in his pants. A little stiff.
What the judges say: Julianne said there were lots of steps missed, but everyone was impressed with how he bounced back.
Score: 24/40, zero protesters.
Tomorrow the first couple gets eliminated. Who will it be? Rick Perry? Jake T. Austin?
Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8/7 on ABC.