The bi-annual announcement of the new cast of Dancing With the Stars is like getting Christmas twice a year. A bewildering, confusing Christmas where nothing on your list to Santa Claus appears under the tree, but you're still stoked anyway.
This year is no different, as ABC's showbiz-career life preserver is equal parts people well-deserving of the limelight, those grasping at their last chance at fame or people on an apology tour. The end result is a roster that will elicit the whole gamut of emotions from "Yes!" to "Ugh" to "Who?" as each competes for the Mirrorball trophy.
First, let's look at the one we'll all be collectively rooting for. ABC didn't lock in Olympic gymnast darlings Simone Biles or Aly Raisman, but it did nab their teammate Laurie Hernandez. Hernandez took gold in the team all-around earlier this month in Rio, and also grabbed an individual silver for her footwork on the beam. And if golds were given out for electric smiles and expressive eyes, she's be swimming around a vault full of gold medals like she was Scrooge McDuck. The Pro-Laurie line starts behind me!
Other athletes confirmed for Season 23 are recently retired Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson, who looked like a man playing among boys out there on the field, and IndyCar driver James Hinchcliffe. Hinchcliffe seems like a perfect fit for DWTS with his rugged good looks and international notoriety (he's Canadian!), but Johnson, who was a quiet superstar during his time in the NFL, is a shock as he doesn't have that diva-like personality associated with the position like former DWTS contestants Keyshawn Johnson or Chad Ochocinco.
But you know we all watch Dancing With the Stars to see controversy do the Can-can, and hoo boy, do we have some interesting contestants this year. First, the rumors were true. Ryan frickin' Lochte will join the season just weeks after lying on national television (to Matt Lauer, no less, how could he!?) about how he got drunk and trashed a bathroom. Can he cut rugs as well as he damages the international reputations of exotic locations? Will anyone actually root for this guy? Will he be booed off the stage and forced to drown his sorrows in Red Bull and vodka? If I have my way, maybe.
The audience will likely be split on former Texas governor Rick Perry, whose quest for popularity knows no bounds. And ABC turned over a rock and found "Ice Ice Baby" rapper Vanilla Ice, who has a better shot at winning than you think. He was on Britain's Dancing on Ice in 2011! Look out.
The rest of the roster includes former Taxi actress Marilu Henner, The Brady Bunch's Marcia Brady in Maureen McCormick, model and singer Amber Rose, Little Women: LA star Terra Jolé, former The Fosters star Jake T. Austin, legendary music producer Babyface and country-music artist Jana Kramer.
Who do you think will win? Who do you WANT to win?
Check out our gallery to learn more about the contestants and see which pro-dancer contestants will help them shimmy their way to victory.