Sean Young and Denis Petukhov Sean Young and Denis Petukhov

Jeers to Skating With the Stars for falling on its proverbial ass.

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The punishing 105-minute premiere was pretty much a disaster from the word "go" — or more accurately, the word "stars," which host Vernon Kay couldn't be heard saying since he took the microphone away from his mouth too soon. To be fair, the six contestants couldn't exactly be called "stars." The producers tried to replicate their Dancing With the Stars casting formula with a Kyle Massey-esque Disney kid (Brandon Mychal Smith), a Jennifer Grey-esque '80s movie vet (Sean Young), an Apolo Anton Ono-esque Olympic gold medalist (Jonny Moseley), a Susan Lucci-esque All My Children diva (Rebecca Budig), a Michael Bolton-esque pop cheeseball (Vince Neil) and a Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino-esque reality-TV lightning rod (Bethenny "The Joker" Frankel). The Bristol Palin-esque Republican-nominee offspring Meghan McCain must've said no.

Also a la DWTS, the judging panel is comprised of a flamboyant drama queen (Bruno Tonioli, meet Johnny Weir), a fly-girl choreographer (Carrie Ann Inaba, meet Laurieann Gibson) and a cranky old guy (Len Goodman, meet Dick Button). And here's where the parallels end: The Dancing finale was electrifying, while Skating's opener was a snooze. Brit-twit Kay promised we'd see "celebrities fall down," but nobody lost their footing — maybe because it looked like they were skating at half-speed. As Bethenny said after earning 29 points out of 60, "That means we sucked." I couldn't have put it better myself.

Did you think Skating With the Starzzzzzzzz....sorry, must've fallen asleep...wiped out?

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