What the Bleep Went Down at the VMAs?

During the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards preshow, Madonna phoned in and joked, "This will be the only time my children will be allowed to watch television." Less than three minutes into the ceremony, after co-host Shawn Wayans was bleeped five times parodying last year's emcee Chris Rock, many other parents undoubtedly decided that this would be the last time their kids would be allowed to do the same.

Right off the bat, by giving the mike to Shawn and Marlon Wayans — the writers/stars of the raunch-infested Scary Movie — MTV let it be known in no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to be your mother's VMAs. Furthermore, if you don't find mooning uproariously funny, as did the ceremony's otherwise poker-faced, all-star audience, it probably wasn't going to be your VMAs, either.

Over the course of the three-hour freak show, the competition grew ever hotter, but more so for the spotlight than for moonmen: Limp Bizkit rap-'n'-roller Fred Durst skulked onstage to join his favorite whipping girl Christina Aguilera in a raucous duet; a member of Rage Against the Machine quietly climbed a prop, prompting Durst to interrupt his Best Rock Video acceptance speech to take him to task for not stage diving; Aguilera and rival Britney Spears kissed and made up; and hip-hop's enfant terrible, Eminem, dissed and made out like a bandit, cracking, "I'm gonna take [my Video of the Year trophy] home and put it between my Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears posters."

By the end of the evening, all that closing act — and Best Group Video victors — Blink-182 could do to keep up was bring out a chorus line of midgets.

Among the other, more memorable performances, queen of pop Janet Jackson proved that she still has the moves to rule over a rhythm nation — if only she'd quit dressing like she was auditioning to be a Goth Talk extra on Saturday Night Live; Sisqó staged a rendition of his "Thong Song" that was impressive not only for its precise choreography, but also for its absence of wedgies; and Spears donned one of Elizabeth Berkley's Showgirls hand-me-downs to "sync" a pseudo-metal reinterpretation of "Oops… I Did It Again." However, despite all of the blood, sweat and hairspray that obviously went into the headliners' numbers, Destiny's Child put the lot of them to shame when, while presenting the Best Male Video prize, they beautifully — and seemingly effortlessly — harmonized a couple of verses of "Say My Name" a cappella.

Meanwhile, 'N Sync, who earned three major awards with "Bye Bye Bye," nailed an ultracreative, FX-enhanced version of the hit. But for every pat on the back that the gawky teen idols received, they also were whacked upside the head. First, Kid Rock took a pot shot at their McDonald's commercials, then Best Female Video vixen Aaliyah introduced them as "masculine boys." (Still, at least they didn't get booed like Metallica drummer and Napster nemesis Lars Ulrich.)

Despite 'N Sync's respectable haul, the night belonged, perhaps appropriately, to the prince of darkness, Eminem, who nabbed the most sought-after moonman for "The Real Slim Shady."

"I enjoy his music," cracked Jim Carrey in introducing the Dennis the Menace to Society, "but he scares me." If by the end of the broadcast any viewer didn't have the erstwhile Marshall Mathers's insidiously catchy anthem stuck in their head, they certainly went to bed replaying the haunting image of the noted misogynist and homophobe leading a virtual blond, blue-eyed Village of the Damned army off the street and into Radio City Music Hall while holding his crotch.

Perhaps that sight even was jarring enough to make Madonna think twice about giving her children their MTV.