Jersey Shore Jersey Shore

Forget Laguna Beach. MTV has brought us an infinitely more fascinating stretch of sand: Jersey Shore. The new Real World-esque reality series, which has come under fire for its portrayal of Italian-Americans, follows eight 20-somethings (who refer to themselves as "Guidos" and Guidettes") who live together in a rented beach house in Seaside Heights, N.J.

Here's a breakdown of the cast and each of their best quotes from the premiere:

DJ Pauly D
Age: 28
Hometown: Johnston, R.I.
Best Quote: "I got a f---ing tanning bed in my place, that's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle."
Notable: He takes 25 minutes to style his hair, and it "comes out perfect every single time."

Nicole (aka "Snooki")
Age: 21
Hometown: Marlboro, N.Y.
Best Quote: "My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life."
Notable: If you see her throwing down shots, hide.

Mike (aka "The Situation")
Age: 27
Hometown: Staten Island, N.Y.
Best Quote: "My abs are so ripped up, I call it 'the situation.'"
Notable: He refers to himself both by his nickname and in the third person.

Sammi (aka "Sweetheart")
Age: 22
Hometown: Hazlet, N.J.
Best Quote: "The smaller the shorts, the better because all the little Guido guys out there love them."
Notable: How much of a "sweetheart" is she? She hooks up with two of her roommates... in the same night. Sweet!

Age: 21
Hometown: Staten Island, N.Y.
Best Quote: "Yeah, I have trouble being alone — just like any traditional Italian kid."
Notable: The man can pump a fist — with or without music.

Jenni (aka "JWOWW")
Age: 23
Hometown: Franklin Square, N.Y.
Best Quote: "I think it's my mission to hook up with the hottest Jersey Guido."
Notable: She's not shy about showing off her assets. We think the correct term is "exhibitionist."

Age: 23
Hometown: Bronx, N.Y.
Best Quote: "Your bank account can be low, but you always gotta look good — always have to get a new haircut, always gotta wear new sneakers, always gotta look fresh."
Notable: His signature cocktail is called "Ron Ron Juice."

Angelina (aka "Jolie")
Age: 22
Hometown: Staten Island, N.Y.
Best Quote: "I'm a bartender... I do, you know, great things."
Notable: She threatened to cut off Mike's precious hair when he called her overweight.