Bachelor in Paradise, the light and silly Bachelor summer spin-off where castaways from the main shows wash up at a resort in Mexico and try to hold on to each other like pieces of driftwood to keep from drowning in loneliness, returned for its fifth season Tuesday night.
After last year's Corinne-DeMario debacle, this season is a little lighter on scandal, though of course it's not entirely scandal-free (stop harassing women online, Leo). For the most part, though, the good vibes are back. It's just hot people hangin' out and havin' drama and bein' funny. Even Chris Harrison gets to be funny on Bachelor in Paradise. When he says this is "the most dramatic season of Bachelor in Paradise ever," he says it with a wink.
The weird, silly nonsense starts when the credits roll (shoutout to Wills fishing in the pool like syphilitic Al Capone and Venmo John counting cash because he's apparently very rich) and continues through everybody's intro videos. Chris, who went down in flames on Becca's season, apparently has nicknamed himself "the Goose?" I don't get it, but it's certainly very weird. Kevin accuses Ashley I. of cheating on him with Jared and says he wants to date Arie's villain Krystal because she cares about fitness. Live your truth, my dude. David's thing about living with his mom and demanding she bring him milk and cookies and wishing he could marry her is more weird than funny, but David's a weird guy. Jordan practicing modeling by his pool is actually funny, as is Annaliese the "bumper car trauma" girl listing off all the things she's afraid of and saying she wants to have her own "Evan and Carly story," which has probably never been said before (two years ago, Evan Stockholm syndromed Carly into falling in love with him and now they're married with a baby).
Bibiana rules. She has a lot of the best lines of the night, like "If my ass gets blurred, I'm doing something right." When she arrives, she makes a joke to Chris Harrison about the bumpy road to Sayulita being "the most action my uterus has had in awhile" that he doesn't understand. And he is correct to not understand, because Bibiana meant "clitoris." The uterus is where the baby grows. If your uterus is getting action, something is very wrong. It doesn't seem like her hoo-ha is talking to her about any of these guys, though, so hopefully somebody shows up who she's into.
Grocery Joe is as cute and awkward as we hoped! "Twitter blew up" when he got sent home night one on Becca's season, and now he's here to find his grocery queen to walk down the produce aisle with him. All the ladies are into him, and he has a really funny interaction with Krystal when they find out they're both of Norwegian descent. Krystal is very excited, and he just says "That's cool. I like it," in the mildest tone of voice possible. He really hits it off with Kendall, though, and they share the first kiss of Paradise.
Other couples include Kevin and Krystal, who start making out so quickly I wonder if they had been talking before they got there, and Tia and Chris.
I can already tell the Tia-Chris-Colton love triangle is going to be very draining to watch, since they're all such unlikeable people. You of course remember the Tia-Colton drama from The Bachelorette, because it took up roughly 18 hours of screentime, so I don't need to recap it too much. Tia and Colton have a romantic history and we'll leave it at that. So Tia is waiting for Colton to arrive, and she's not interested in any of the other guys. But then she gets a date card, so she has to go out with somebody, and she chooses Chris, because why not, and they end up having a really nice time and end it with kissing.
Then, through the evil genius of Paradise masterminds, Colton arrives the next day, ignores her for most of the day, finally asks her out at the last minute, and then they go on a date and she holds onto his muscles while he drives a Jet-Ski so she's back into him. So there's a love triangle, and everyone is mad at Colton for being a fame-hungry phony who's not there for the right reasons and they're going to confront him, and I'm already tired. I can't wait until Colton goes home in tears. I want comedy, not whatever this is!
Much better is drunk Nick saying weird stuff to Chelsea like "I have like a weird attraction to you" until she tells him she's not feeling well in order to get away from him and then him bellyflopping into the pool in disappointment. And Jordan is genuinely hilarious this episode. His whole thing about how Chris is a better person than Colton because Chris has great hair product and Colton doesn't even have long enough hair to use product and Chris responding "I never thought about it like that" made me actually lol.
So Paradise is back, warts and all. Bye bye, Bachelorette. We won't miss you.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.