Andy Dick Uncensored!

When Andy Dick's name is mentioned, perhaps you think of his off-the-wall antics on NewsRadio or his old, self-titled MTV show. Or maybe you associate him with the Machiavellian psycho he's playing on his new MTV show, the reality spoof The Assistant (airing Mondays at 10:30 pm/ET), or his scene-stealing as a pencil-necked office grunt on ABC's "late, lamented" workplace laffer, Less than Perfect. Then again, you might know him best as the rogue male who's had so many brushes with the law that Cops could make him a regular. Whatever your impression of the kooky actor is, it doesn't matter; it's going to change once you've read this TV Guide Online article, a Q&A so candid that you may be moved to tears (or something). Heck, by the time we had said our goodbyes, both the funnyman and his interviewer had learned something new. Could be that you will, too.

TV Guide Online: Why did you want to do The Assistant? Were you jealous of Ashton Kutcher's success in reality TV?
Andy Dick: No. I handed Ashton his [butt] on a plate. He was on The Andy Dick Show twice before he got offered his own show. There's nothing to be jealous of with Ashton. He's a pretty boy; I'm a funny boy. He just screams at the camera, basically. The funny part [of Punk'd] is all the people around him — they're the funny ones. His show is Candid Camera for the new millennium. I wonder if he's ever even heard of Allen Funt. There are people's careers that I am jealous of, but Ashton's is not one of them.

TVGO: Really? Juicy! Like whose?
Dick: Oh, you know, certain peers of mine. But that's just between me and the 15 personalities in my head to argue out. It changes every day, depending on who calls me. It's crazy-making.

TVGO: Which, in turn, makes you the boss from hell.
Dick: [On The Assistant], I can do anything I want! I can be bipolar and flip from anger to sadness to joy, and just really throw [a contestant's] whole ego into a tailspin... their whole identity. They don't know how to be around me, because I can reward them for this, then chop them at the knees for that.

TVGO: That's showbiz!
Dick: That's what I keep reiterating! "That's Hollyweird!" And hey, I'm the one who knows. I've been chewed up and spit out over and over. And even after I've been spit out, Hollywood will say, "Hey, maybe I wasn't done; lemme take another bite." And it puts me right back in its mouth, even though I've been chewed up already.

TVGO: You poor thing! And then ABC went and canceled Less than Perfect!
Dick: It didn't get canceled! [Laughs] Life with Bonnie got canceled.

TVGO: You're kidding! Oh. Well, in that case, congratulations!
Dick: You're funny. Nobody knows anything. That just shows that ABC doesn't promote their shows. We just got moved to Fridays [at 9:30 pm/ET]. Maybe you could write that so people will know.

TVGO: Consider it done.
Dick: I appreciate that. [To a friend coming in] I'll be done in a minute; I'm just on with Entertainment Weekly.

TVGO: Actually, I don't write for Entertainment Weekly.
Dick: What? What is this?

TVGO: TV Guide Online.
Dick: Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know that!

TVGO: That's okay. I didn't know your show was still on the air.
Dick: Good. We're even.

TVGO: Moving on... Since I am, I think, one of the two people left on the planet who haven't made out with Trishelle from The Real World: Las Vegas, maybe you could tell me what it was like playing tonsil hockey with her on The Surreal Life.
Dick: [Laughs] It's kind of like sucking on the spigot of a red-wine barrel. She loves her red wine! She's got red-wine-stained teeth. And she lip-raped me! She pulled my lips into hers and just raped my lips with her tongue. And I liked it! It was fun! She's what they call an Andy Dick tease, though. She got me going, and there was no follow-through. That's my only complaint.