The Countess went off the deep end on Wednesday's American Horror Story: Hotel. After discovering her one true love Valentino (Finn Wittrock) was trapped in the walls only feet away from her for nearly 100 years, the Countess' (Lady Gaga) thinly veiled façade of control fell apart.
Acting like the thirsty girl she is, the Countess moves full speed ahead with her marriage to Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson), who went from being gay to sacrificing a lot of his own personal desires to wed a woman he barely knows real quick. Meanwhile, the Countess is dipping back into her f--- boi pool, starting up with Donovan (Matt Bomer) again. She agrees to only love him for eternity, a promise which is clearly B.S. to everyone but Donovan, who has no idea the Countess reunited with her true eternal love Valentino at some seedy motel.
In a completely unrelated turn of events, some porn stars arrive at the Cortez to shoot a scene. According to Iris (Kathy Bates), this is something that happens a lot, and while she didn't used to mind it as a human, the prudish bloodsucker decides to put an end to it once and for all. Donovan walks in on the bloody scene and applauds this new side of his mother. Over the pair of dead bodies at their feet, the duo discuss the current state of affairs in the hotel. Iris says she lay sole blame for Bartholomew getting out on Ramona (Angela Bassett). Donovan says he's only pretending to love the Countess again. Everyone's happy, deluding themselves into thinking these lies will hold water.
Ashley Parker Angel's son then tells his dad that he's surprised Will is marrying a woman. That's when Will explains he's actually bisexual, despite very clearly declaring he's gay and can't get it up for women in prior episodes. But you know what? Who are we to dictate how Will identifies?
You know who doesn't mind imposing her beliefs on other people? Ms. Evers (Mare Winningham). She bursts into this intimate father-son conversation, declaring that the Countess will likely murder Will and Lachlan if he goes through with the wedding. After Will shrugs off her advice, Evers oh-so politely says she looks forward to the day when Will understands the truth, reaches out for help and she gleefully watches him die. Just another day at the Cortez, y'all!
Elsewhere, Donovan drags the sole surviving porn star, gagged and shirtless, to Ramona's doorstep in the middle of the day as though he was invisible and not a knock-off vampire. He says that he truly wants revenge against the Countess, but doesn't have the balls to pull the trigger. So together they go to the Cortez in order for Ramona to do the honors. But just as Ramona sets up to kill the Countess, Donovan tasers Ramona and locks her in a cage because this man is an idiot. Incredibly beautiful, but an idiot nonetheless.
Back in the seedy motel, the Countess admits to Valentino that she isn't so into the threesome dynamic anymore and asks if he would be terribly bothered if she killed Natasha (Alexandra Daddario). He's all, "Eh, whatevs. As long as I have one girl to stick it to." The Countess then invites Natasha to the Cortez for a little couture slumber/murder party and struts out of the motel on a wicked high.
Little did she know, Donovan was standing right outside like:
But before another revenge plot can be put into action - how many different revenge plots can fit in one episode, anyways? - the Countess and Will get married in the saddest ceremony ever. To make matters even dourer, Mr. March (Evan Peters) interrupts and shows Will the horror that is Bartholomew. Upon insulting the Countess' son, the fashion icon soon finds himself trapped in the dungeon with Ramona, which is honestly a better fate than most. That is, until he lets out Ramona, and she devours him.
The Countess watches this whole thing go down on security cameras, snacking away with her eyes glued to the screen as though it were Scandal and not her current husband being slaughtered by her ex-girlfriend while the ghost of a maid who loved her first husband happily looks on.
This. Effing. Show.
What did you think of this week's American Horror Story: Hotel?