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M*A*S*H Season 3 Episodes
Season 3 Episode Guide
24 Episodes 1974 - 1975
Episode 1
The General Flipped at Dawn
Tue, Sep 10, 197425 mins
Major General Bartford Hamilton Steele (the incomparable Harry Morgan) is one of three Steele brothers from West Point, all generals. As Trapper aptly observes: 'Hey, the word's out that general's a little bit "el wacko."' Gen. Steele certainly has a bee in his bonnet regarding military uniforms, protocol, waste and (dubiously) quoting great warriors of history, like Hannibal ("He was a darky, you know"). When black chopper pilot, WO Martin Williams, gives Steele the stats on his daily chopper runs, Steele wants to move the 4077 closer to the action...just to conserve fuel. Steele later demands a musical number from Williams. The officers are aghast: such a move will get them all killed. An order is an order, but although Steele is a 2-star general, he is a 3-star loony, a fruitcake with raisins for eyes. Hawkeye suggests they disobey him but Henry cannot disobey a general unless he gets an order to disobey. But when an order of Steele threatens the life of one of his patients, Hawkeye has no similar compunction; he gives an orders to Williams that ignore General Steele. Proceedings preliminary to a formal Court Martial ensue and one Capt. BF Pierce is in the hot seat; Williams and Henry are witnesses. How will Hawkeye talk his way out of this one? Or, will somebody sing his way clear? Hey, hey Uncle Fud. It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud...
Episode 2
Rainbow Bridge
Tue, Sep 17, 197425 mins
Hawkeye and Trapper are Tokyo-bound, Frank is jealous; but Trapper wants 3 days without amputating something. Father and Henry bring shopping lists but Radar brings news of more casualties. Thirty-six hours and 473 cases later (an all time record) Henry tells the officers about an unusual radio call Radar took from the Chinese. The Chinese have 9 shot-up GIs they are willing to free...but only if unarmed doctors, a corpsman and a driver travel 50 miles into Chinese territory in one vehicle to retrieve the GIs. All must be totally without weaponry. Margaret and Frank do not trust the offer, but Hawkeye believes it. He knows the Chinese realize the 4077 treats their wounded Chinese well and believes the Chinese are trying to give their GIs a break. Radar is to drive the bus with doctors, Hawkeye and Trapper, and a volunteer corpsman, Klinger. Smelling a commendation, Hotlips urges Frank to volunteer and arms him with all kinds of courage. So, five Americans meet a group of Chinese... but they are armed to the teeth with Russian weaponry. Is this an elaborate hoax or a fool's errand? Or is a group of men doing something decent in the middle of a giant indecency?
Episode 3
Officer of the Day
Tue, Sep 24, 197425 mins
With Henry at a medical conference in Tokyo, Frank is busy playing "I Love a Parade." His inept inspection results in Radar nearly getting his can shot off by Igor. Hawkeye is named O.D., but he will not carry the gun; Hawkeye keeps trying inspect the insides of his eyelids. Klinger keeps escaping: he needs to do some Seoul searching, but Hawkeye cannot give him a pass. It is the 4077 Kim Lucky day. Colonel Flagg shows up with a 16 year old nearly dead North Korean "spy" who likely responded poorly to Flagg's questioning. Flagg has one simple request: bring him back to life so I can execute him in Seoul. The acting CO and his adjutant cave in before Flagg has the chance to speak, but the other doctors do not blindly follow orders or issue death sentences. But, Flagg is willing to take his prisoner at gunpoint: no formal discharge is required--it saves on paperwork. O.D. Hawkeye allows Flagg to drive away with a body. How can mere eggheads screw around with intelligence?
Episode 4
Iron Guts Kelly
Tue, Oct 1, 197425 mins
Hotlips always gives visiting generals her special kind of welcome and Lt. General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly (James Gregory) is no exception. On the day of his visit, Igor has to lay low with the crew of local business girls he imported to entertain the enlisted men. Iron Guts is such a 3-star man, he even has stars on the surgical cap he wears in the OR. Hawkeye and Trapper hate him at first sight but at second sight, Iron Guts Kelly takes on a kind of vigor...or is that rigor? His aide-de-camp, Colonel Wortman, is very proud and protective of Iron Guts: if this hero ever dies, Wortman knows Robert Iron Guts Kelly will perish in a full-scale blazing, glorious, star-spangled death. He certainly would not die with his boots off, of myocardial infarction, in the arms of a luscious head nurse.
Episode 5
O.R.
Tue, Oct 8, 197425 mins
It is just another day: $10 to anyone who can tell Trapper where he slept last night. Lots of UN Forces are represented in OR; Hawkeye draws an Ethiopean patient he cannot understand. Poor Henry drops almost as many instruments as he uses; Hawkeye worries he may have arthritis. It could be his ticket home. Hawkeye and Radar enjoy a few quality minutes before Radar's blood drive; Klinger carries a litter with Hawkeye's Ethiopean. Hawkeye gets the nicest fee he will ever know when his grateful Ethiopean kisses his hand: the currency of a kiss is international. As Father Mulcahy takes true confessions to write to a wounded GI's wife, Trapper wonders when the promiscuous soldier had time to get wounded (and he cautions Father not to send the letter.) MacArthur gets paper thrown on him; Hawkeye hopes it was bundled. When a stabilized patient sickens, Hawkeye and Henry perform the first ever open heart massage at the 4077. Henry says it is the greatest thing he has ever seen. Klinger breaks a heel. A dazed Frank thanks Trapper for stopping Frank from killing a patient; poor Frank was about to remove the GI's only kidney. Frank really wants friends; Trapper really wants shut-eye. Ever the good guy, Trapper, agrees on both, only if Frank will shut up! Radar is on the scrounge as the hospital is running out of everything. Frank agrees with Hawkeye's remark about MacArthur and Red China, but hell does not freeze. There is no 3-0 silk but there is sewing thread; they use it, even though Hotlips is not crazy about the idea. Sidney shows up for their weekly conference--it must be Thursday--and he gets gloves and a gown instead of a deck. Radar tells Hawkeye the heart patient just died in Post Op. Hawkeye is upset; but patients keep coming. Sidney leaves, vowing to return next Thursday. There are burgers, coffee and a small fire from faulty wiring in OR. Henry leans on Hawkeye to make a gut-wrenching decision about a patient which no human being should ever be asked to make. At the end of the day, an announcement is made: Mark W. Clark is the new Commander of the Armed Forces in Korea. It is just another day...
Episode 6
Springtime
Tue, Oct 15, 197425 mins
It is a beautiful Spring day that makes one yearn for a group lobotomy. Trapper grabs a nurse; Radar wants to grab pretty Lt. Simmons and Henry grabs some golf. In the field, nostrils flare as Hotlips and Frank grab each other. A hairy English rose reads Rupert Brooke... and a telegram. She said yes. Hawkeye almost gets grabbed by a disturbed feline fondler, but his new buddy, Gargantuan Marine, Lyle Wesson saves him. And he keeps on saving him. Henry arranges a wireless wedding between Korea and Toledo with Father Mulcahy presiding. The brides wore white. Were Scott and Zelda on the guest list? Will there be dancing and/or twirling? Boy, they sure throw some weird parties, huh? Does the Jr. Swamp Rat finally get slaked?
Episode 7
Check-Up
Tue, Oct 22, 197425 mins
Enlisted men will fall into the Mess Tent to receive their physicals while officers will examine themselves and vice versa in private. When it comes to the cream of American military womanhood, doctors can do nothing while alone with them but give them a good going-over. Or so says the new Army regulation. (Go, JAG!) Hotlips gets to play doctor with Hawkeye; as Henry examines the devil's slipcover. Trapper will not allow anyone to examine him...he is worried. Trapper has a million dollar hole in his belly, a real, live duodenal ulcer. Henry and Hawkeye say it is his ticket out of Korea. There's a huge bash planned to send Trapper on his way and Hotlips is a little snoggered. But, those wacky Army regulations... How on earth will Hawkeye (and Hotlips) ever stand it without Trapper?
Episode 8
Life with Father
Tue, Oct 29, 197425 mins
Trouble at home: Henry's Lorraine might be fooling around and Father's Sister the Nun is thinking of leaving the Order. A young Korean married to a Jewish GI has a male child and needs to arrange for her baby's bris. Father found a rabbi on the Carrier Essex to help him perform the Jewish ceremony if Hawkeye can do the actual circumcision. Naturally, Frank and Hotlips are both nagging him about "unauthorized and elective surgery." Trapper and Hawkeye try to find hidden presidents to win a pony. How will Henry and Francis deal with the women in their lives?
Episode 9
Alcoholics Unanimous
Tue, Nov 12, 197425 mins
With Henry in Tokyo giving a lecture, Frank turns into Carry Nation. He calls Trapper and Hawkeye alcoholics and his surveys show that 57.230% of all military personnel in the Asian theatre have a drinking problem. So Frank declares Prohibition. Fr. Mulcahy is asked to give a temperance lecture and he has a packed house; naturally, he is a bit nervous. He is better with the standards. Klinger suggests a "bracer" that will take the good priest there and back again. When all hell breaks loose, will the 18th Amendment be repealed for good?
Episode 10
There Is Nothing Like a Nurse
Tue, Nov 19, 197425 mins
Henry is drinking bi-carb as he listens to the griping of Hermann Goering in drag, (Hotlips) going on and on about putting a poor little nurse on bed arrest. Radar tells Henry an enemy attack is imminent; Henry regards it as the best news of the day. The nurses are taking the patients to the 44th Field Hospital and the men will be left to fend for themselves and try to fight off the enemy paratroopers. The guys gain new, genuine appreciation for the nurses; they miss them, especially when they have to do their jobs. The 4077 nurses made it all look so easy--the guys find out how hard their jobs really are. Will the nurses return from the cushy 44th Evac? Will they miss the guys at 4077...even half as much as the guys miss them?
Episode 11
Adam's Ribs
Tue, Nov 26, 197425 mins
Hawkeye leads a Mess mutiny against a river of liver and an ocean of fish; Henry gives him a semi-private chewing out for the mess in Mess. As Hawkeye idly plays with the office skeleton, Henry uses the word "rib." A light bulb illuminates and leads to some of the most complicated, precision maneuvers since WWII and Operation Overlord. Everyone has had a "taste" for a particular food or meal that cannot be satisfied by anything less than the actual food... and it is usually requires some effort. But, Hawkeye's craving is 20,000 miles away! Will Hawkeye get his special meal, and his special sauce?
Episode 12
A Full Rich Day
Tue, Dec 3, 197425 mins
Hawkeye recounts the "well rounded day of insanity," of the previous OR session, on a tape recorder for his father. It starts with a bus full of wounded UN soldiers; Frank is supposed to be in charge of their triage. One soldier, wrapped in a tight "sandwich" stretcher, is a Turk whom even Klinger calls crazy. With a "drugstore" already pumped into the Turk's arm, he is still able to slice through canvas, wounds and all, and wave a huge knife at the triage team. Frank is chicken, so Klinger has to give the Turk more morphine. But, the Turkish Rasputin wakes up again, before his surgery; he yells, sedates Henry and escapes. A Luxembourg lieutenant was supposed to be on the bus, but he cannot be found. U.S. soldier, Lt. Smith, really wants Sgt. Bryan taken out of the jeep and given immediate top priority. Colonel Blanche, Commander of Luxumbourg forces, arrives looking for a Lt. Henri Batiste LeClerq; Radar says LeClerq is dead and his body is missing. As Frank and Trapper operate on Sgt. Bryan, at gunpoint, Blanche is upset his Lt. cannot be found. And, one murderous Turk is on the loose. When Lt. Smith collapses at the doctors' feet, Trapper feels bad; Lt. Smith was just as badly wounded as his buddy for whom he demanded treatment. A military ceremony resolves problems. But, Radar, clad in a toga, is an unwilling date to find "Cinli." Radar cannot hold his prune juice.
Episode 13
Mad Dogs and Servicemen
Tue, Dec 10, 197425 mins
Radar loves animals; besides his zoo, he feeds a stray dog. Unfortunately, the dog bites Radar; unless they find it, Radar will have to take rabies shots. Frank does not believe in psychiatric cases and calls a GI with hysterical paralysis "bug-nutty." The more humane Trapper wants to slug him. Cpl. Richard Travis (Michael O'Keefe) is the sole survivor of a tank slaughter. By following the methods of Dr. Sidney Freedman, Hawkeye and Trapper believe Travis can get well and rejoin his unit; the alternative is a lifetime of guilt and paralysis. Sidney cannot get away, so Hawkeye agrees to try to help Travis...but the treatment is as heinous for the staff as it is for the patient. Henry frets as Radar gets sicker and sicker from the rabies shots and Margaret and Frank are appalled at the treatment Travis is getting at the 4077. If a dog and a backbone can be located, they might be in business.
Episode 14
Private Charles Lamb
Tue, Dec 31, 197425 mins
The 4077 is packed with Greek soldiers, right before their Easter. The surgeons discuss Greece as the cradle of modern medicine; even Frank knows Hippocrates. Col. Andropolis visits Henry; he is a very genial man. Grateful for the excellent treatment of his men, Andropolis ships a feast for his men and the 4077, including a lamb and a bathtub of ouzo. Outraged about the upcoming Bacchanal, Frank goes to Father's tent to write him a letter in protest. Trapper and Hawkeye discover Private Chapman inflicted his own gunshot wound; they keep it a secret from Frank. When Radar meets Sunday's main course, he cannot countenance his slaughter. It may be Henry's keister on the line but a flight on Bo-Peep Airline is authorized to fly to Iowa. Ouzo can cure a whole lot of problems: you can take the lamb out of Korea but you cannot take the Spam out of the lamb.
Episode 15
Bombed
Tue, Jan 7, 197525 mins
Intelligence shows the 4077 is not being shelled, but Radar prefers to rely on his own senses. Henry and Father are both trapped in a shelled latrine; poor Father is so dazed, he revisits his childhood. Frank refuses to operate on a North Korean and he is not happy with the new UN nurse from Costa Rica, Nurse Sanchez. Another patient comes in, but he is booby-trapped: boom-boom, as per Sanchez. Intelligence confirms the U.S. is shelling itself. Huzzah! Sanchez affixes herself to Hawkeye and Trapper tries to affix himself to Hotlips when they get stuck in the Supply Room; trust Trapper to always find the bright side in a crisis! When Frank and Hawkeye rescue them, Hotlips denies and Trapper leers. Frank is so crazy with jealousy, he proposes. But what?
Episode 16
Bulletin Board
Tue, Jan 14, 197525 mins
Henry Blake will tell everything he knows about sex. Actually, he speaks on birth control; all 18 of the UN peace-keeping forces are cautioning their men not to "litter" Korea. Margaret asks Frank for a loan to help her sister and he refuses. Trapper writes his 7-year old, Becky, about his life in Korea. He describes Dr. Pierce as a good egg, but grumpy in the a.m.; Dr. Burns is "sort of like a substitute teacher that stays all year." Trapper tells Becky about a case of hypothermia Frank pronounced dead without first checking the carotid artery. Not even Shirley Temple can keep Klinger and Zale from fighting. Poor Henry loses a patient and he is upset. The guys want him to unwind with the 4077 at the 1st annual Polly Adler B'day cookout, picnic and BBQ with proceeds to Sr. Theresa's Korean orphans. All booths are doing well except for Klinger's gypsy $1.00 per kiss booth: you would not believe what the nurses expect for a dollar! But Henry is not having fun. Hotlips is frosty to Frank about the $240; he will loan it to her if she signs an IOU and pays him interest. A game of tug-of-war ensues; it is officers versus enlisted men. Played over a wet, muddy pond, the game is a riot and it does wonders to lift Henry's spirits.
Episode 17
The Consultant
Tue, Jan 21, 197525 mins
Trapper, Hawkeye and their golf clubs are going to a medical conference in Tokyo. At a bar, they meet Major Anthony Borelli (Robert Alda) a civilian medical consultant lecturing at the conference. He is amused the drunken duo plan to skip lectures; they try to explain meatball surgery and exactly what it is they do in the war. Dr. Borelli is unfamiliar with the M*A*S*H model, as he served in WWI and WWII. Intrigued, he visits the 4077, where he introduces a new procedure regarding arterial grafts; limbs that used to be severed can be saved. The guys run through the paces to get the needed live artery but the conditions catch up with Borelli. Can Borelli talk Hawkeye through the surgery? Will Hawkeye be more understanding when he is on his third war?
Episode 18
House Arrest
Tue, Feb 4, 197525 mins
After Hawkeye makes an insulting remark about Margaret, Frank snaps him with a towel and Hawkeye responds with a nicely placed right cross to Frank's eye. Hawkeye is then placed under house arrest and instead of being treated like a criminal, he is treated like a conquering hero for what he did even to the point of getting some very tasty water buffalo steak and having movies shown in the Swamp. In the meantime, Colonel Reese, the woman in charge of all the nurses in Korea, arrives to observe Margaret and her staff and, for some strange reason, becomes attracted to Frank and tries to seduce him. Also, Radar begins acting very strangely, even having the hem in his pants let out three inches.
Episode 19
Aid Station
Tue, Feb 11, 197525 mins
"I" Company aid station sustained heavy shelling; 4077 are to provide trained personnel until replacements arrive. A surgeon was KIA, and they need a cutter, scrub nurse and a corpsman. Hotlips volunteers. The doctors draw sausages and Hawkeye is drafted; Fr. Mulcahy picks Klinger's card for corpsman duty. Everyone is scared to death; they cover with jokes. Grumpy calls Snow White to check in; the conditions are appalling. There is no roof and no running water; few of the walls are standing. Even Klinger gets "hands on" and Margaret is promoted to actual cutting. The trio works so hard, they each sleep happily on their mats. Back at the 4077, lonely Radar sleeps in Hawkeye's bunk; Henry drinks gin and frets. At the aid station, Margaret is jubilant: they did it! They made chaos orderly and achieved the 8th wonder. On the ride home, Hawkeye makes a sweet confession to Margaret. Klinger dons his best bonnet. Be it ever so much like an upholstered toilet, there's no place like home.
Episode 20
Love and Marriage
Tue, Feb 18, 197525 mins
Hawkeye and Trapper apologize to Korean medical assistant, Kwang, on behalf of the entire U.S. for Frank Burns. Frank gets on Kwang's case for his own ineptitude. The Swamp Rats learn Kwang is about to be a father and his wife is in enemy country so they try to arrange a 3-day pass. Private McShane is trying to marry a Korean girl who Hawkeye and Trapper recognize as a B-girl. The guy with the "Parker Brothers diploma," Dr. Pak (not Pat Morita) tries to bribe the Swamp Rats to pass McShane's fiancee on her physical. There are all types of business going on at the 4077. Just ask Radar Benjamin Franklin Trapper John Henry Kwang!
Episode 21
Big Mac
Tue, Feb 25, 197525 mins
MacArthur is coming, MacArthur is coming (this is surprising since Mark W. Clark took over 15 episodes ago at the end of "O.R.") Everyone shows his or her usual level of excitement and/or contempt. Blake is ordered to make certain Klinger stays de-frocked. Looking for kudos back home (and higher fees on tonsillectomies) Blake orders all troops to "de-shambilize" the 4077. The entire camp is white-washed, festooned in red, white and blue, and parade viewing stands proudly adorn the compound. A brief inspection of Mac's VIP quarters is more than enough for Hotlips to achieve "lift off" (even with Ferret Face.) At the rehearsal, Radar is a corn-cob smoking stand-in for the man of the hour. But, there are excruciating SNAFUs lurking beneath the usual ones labeled "Situations Normal." Even Radar drops his pipe. But, Klinger burns. Whether for Mac or just for a Section 8: Klinger burns for America!
Episode 22
Payday
Tue, Mar 4, 197525 mins
In the Army's infinite wisdom, Hawkeye is named Payroll Officer for the enlisted men at the 4077 and Radar pays the officers. Hawkeye has $10 left from the enlisted pay; Radar looks at the scrip like he is facing a firing squad. All Hawkeye wants is to nibble on a giggly nurse; Radar keeps coming at him with paperwork and dire predictions. Hawkeye shrugs him away, waxing poetic about what the U.S. Army SHOULD be paying him... unfortunately Radar writes it all down. Most of 4077 sits in a poker game; Trapper loses everything but his charm. In the next pay envelope, Radar smells the firing squad coming closer: $3,000.00 for Hawkeye. So, Hawkeye makes a huge donation to Father and the orphans and tries to continue nibbling. Kim Chun Quoc (Jack Soo) is Korea's Tiffany's on wheels; he sells Frank two strands of pearls: one fake set and one genuine set. Margaret finds out and plays her hand cleverly, never once doubting Frank's rat-finkery. When Captain Sloan, Supervising Acc-Fin comes to arrest Hawkeye for stealing $3k from Uncle Sam, Henry is baffled, as usual. It will take a lot more than a prayer to get Hawkeye out of this jam.
Episode 23
White Gold
Tue, Mar 11, 197525 mins
Three masked men try to steal penicillin from the 4077 supply shed; during gun play, one gets caught in Klinger's boa. The young man's tags read Cpl. Charles P. Perkins, but his voice says little. The 4077 poster boy for Crazy In Army (CIA) Colonel Flagg (Edward Winter) shows up, posing as a rabbi, Capt. Goldberg and wearing ridiculous glasses. Flagg tells Henry: "We don't joke in the CIA." But someone has a sense of the absurd. Radar finds out that Perkins was KIA, but Flagg demands to interrogate the young man, whoever he is. Flagg frees "Perkins," and inflicts several injuries to his own person. Flagg meant for the 4077 to believe he was ambushed and overtaken by "Perkins" but Trapper and Hawkeye are wise to the insanity that is Col. Flagg. The officers learn interesting facts about the dedication of their brothers in medicine, like Medic Johnson of the 415th Army Infantry. They also want to know how Flagg takes his coffee. Will it be one lump or two for the King of Pain?
Episode 24
Abyssinia, Henry
Tue, Mar 18, 197525 mins
In one of the best remembered and most emotional episodes of the entire 11 year series, Radar has an announcement for Henry in O.R. Henry Blake has received his discharge: he is finally going home to Bloomington, Illinois, to his wife, Lorraine, and their children, the country club and his medical practice. The entire 4077 gang is thrilled for Henry and they wish him well; gifts are gotten, parties are thrown and all sorts of final memories are made. But, the entire gang is sad to be losing such an integral part of the 4077 gang. Radar, in particular, is losing the man who was a father to him. The final farewell formation is memorable; even Hawkeye and Trapper show up to tell their friend and leader a fond farewell. Some farewells are fonder than others. Klinger dresses to kill. As Henry starts to leave, Radar steadfastly holds his salute to his departing C.O. until Henry finally acknowledges him. Since the episode, "Ceasefire," Radar has grown into a young man; scrapbooks and jokes can no longer take the place of the honest affection and love he feels for Henry Blake. But, telling Radar goodbye makes it real for Henry: he is leaving his 4077 family for good. Henry's last glimpse of the 4077 is brief and his chopper disappears into the horizon. At the end of the episode, Radar has another announcement to make in the O.R. No one will ever be quite the same again.
