Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft

Oh thank you, ABC. After something like 120 seasons and only two weddings, someone finally found a way to milk even more drama from The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise without involving Dancing with Stars. And it is the best trash ever. It's the Battle of the Not Working Stars.

Meet the Bachelor Pad contestants

Gathering 19 money-hungry castoffs from seasons past, stretching all the way back to Aaron Buerge's love hunt, Pad—on paper—is a Big mash-up, pitting those who didn't score that final rose against each other for $250,000 and another shot at "romance." What it's really about is a bunch of hard-bodies running amok in a swanky mansion, letting their hormones and rivalries wreak havoc. Sweet!

Honestly, how could there not be massive messes-in-the-making, with Man-Code cop David, hateful Wes and shifty Juan from Jillian's edition sharing space with Jake Pavelka tease Elizabeth, Charlie O'Connell's annoying ex, Krisily, and a fully-stocked bar? Last night, the crew kicked things off with a half-naked game of Twister to see who scored the coveted "intimate" date with a trio of their housemates, and while it sort of stank that Ali's hair-iffying Craig M. took the win, it did fire up a feud between Pavelka survivors Tenley and Michelle, who was all crazy-eyed angry over the tiny dancer's allegations that she hooked up with Mr. Poufy Locks to stay in the game. Whether she did or not, it doesn't really matter: Their bathroom confrontation was enough to trigger the season's first tearful "she's nuts, I don't feel safe!" meltdown and to guarantee us that—despite the expected eliminations of boring-but-cute Juan and the aforementioned Michelle —this will be no mousy Pad.

Are you planning to hang out at the Bachelor Pad?

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