If there's one thing that TV gets right, it's the realistic depiction of romance — right? This week was like looking in a mirror. Vinny Chase began a not-so-chaste flirtation with a porn star on Entourage. Sookie protected her True Blood lover by staking his vampire maker. Mad Men's Don Draper treated his secretary like a whore. And, as the ballad of Angelina and Pauly D sounded its final mournful note, two sprightly young things named Ali and Roberto swept in to renew our faith in true love. Just like real life, but with better art direction! Welcome to Top Moments: Romantics and Cynics Edition.
12. Best Meltdown: Entourage fans have seen Vince slip before, but this time he's doing it with a porn star at his side, as it should be. He shows up for an important meeting with Stan Lee drunk on tequila, high on painkillers, and accompanied by (legitimate actress!) Sasha Grey. It's making us giddy for his inevitable downward spiral.
11. Hardest Truth: This is difficult to say, but we actually side with The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle in her tedious battle with the double-crossing Kim G. Bravo's Benedict Arnold blabs that Danielle was going to try to locate her birth mother — for the creepy-sounding reason that she wants to "smell her." Danielle confronts Kim G. about her deception. She very cleverly throws an elaborate tantrum (and napkin) designed to distract Danielle from the fact that she's actually the one in the wrong.
10. Saddest Reality Star: Poor Mondo. He's a talented designer (the judges loved his Mary Tyler Moore-inspired outfit), but he doesn't have any friends. In a blubbery interview with producers, he says he's not connecting with any of his fellow Project Runway contestants. "I'm just so lonely," he manages through tears. Make it work, Mondo!
9. Juiciest Clue: We already knew that Emily was attracted to Maya, but not that she also once had a crush on Alison. In fact, this week's Pretty Little Liars reveals that when Alison rebuffed her advances, Emily wrote her a nasty letter — just days before Alison's disappearance.
8. Toughest Love: In a last-ditch effort to combat Colleen's drinking, Rescue Me's Tommy pours all the booze in Father Phil's church into the holy water stoup and repeatedly "baptizes" Colleen, face-first. The experiment ends with Colleen nearly unconscious on the floor and Tommy being taken away in handcuffs — not quite a religious experience.
7. Worst Exit: Rachel Zoe Project fans die (and not in the RZ-approved way) when they learn that style director Taylor Jacobson was fired amid allegations that she stole samples. We never hear Jacobson's side of the story (whether she wasn't offered the opportunity or chose not to take it is unclear), leaving us with the overall impression of a horrible smear campaign. In particular, Rachel talks about the "betrayal" by a girl she considered family and takes calls from colleagues who are keeping tabs on Taylor for Rachel since her departure.
6. Most Nebulous Achievement: New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod, and, uh, A-Roid), 35, becomes the youngest Major Leaguer to smack 600* home runs. Only seven others have reached that milestone. The "A-bomb from A-Rod" (as Yankee announcer John Sterling calls his home runs) comes in the first inning of Wednesday's game against the Toronto Blue Jays — after what seemed like an excruciating wait (12 games after No. 599).
*Rodriguez admitted last year that he used performance-enhancing drugs from 2001 to 2003, a time period during which he hit 156 of the homers.
5. Best Death: With a simple staking, Sookie kills Lorena on True Blood, ending her influence over Bill once and for all. The vampiress does not slip quietly into the eternal slumber, instead marking her second death by violently expelling her innards out her mouthhole and then liquefying into a putrid red goo. Camille it isn't.
4. Worst Christmas Gift: On Mad Men, a drunken Don seduces his secretary, Allison, when she brings him the keys to his apartment that he left at the office. The next morning, in the sobering light of the Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce offices, Allison is nothing more than a secretary to Don. A good secretary though: He gives her a poorly timed $100 Christmas bonus. Shame on Don for treating her like a ho-ho-ho.
3. Stupidest Fight: Whoopi Goldberg begins Thursday's episode of The View by addressing Real Housewives of D.C. star Michaele Salahi's claim that the talk-show host manhandled and berated her during her Wednesday visit to the Barbara Walters chatfest. "I went up to her and told her that she knew I didn't hit her, and yeah, you know how I said it: choice words," Goldberg says. "I make no apology for my choice words."
2. Best Fight: Sure, the girls of Jersey Shore hate Angelina, but what about MVP (Mike, Vinny and Pauly)? A sketchy history between Angelina and Pauly D resurfaces when the woman scorned suddenly slaps him. She clearly still has feelings for him; even clearer, he no longer has any for her.
1. Best Proposal: Sure, maybe playing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" was a little over the top, but Roberto's proposal on The Bachelorette manages to win over even the most cynical gawkers at the prime-time romantic car crash. Ali even sends Chris L. home early, knowing she was already in love with Roberto. So this time it's for real. Love totally wins.