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The Bachelor Episode 2 Recap: #ChampagneGate Is the Hilarious Drama We Crave

Kelsey, you buggin'

Liam Mathews

The Bachelor returned from last week's cliffhanger where Peter Weber and Hannah Brown were trying to work out their still-present feelings for each other, and things stayed pretty intense! They talked about how confused they are about their feelings, and Peter stroked Hannah's hair and they came very, very close to kissing. But in the end, Peter said "I can't do this," and went back to the girls. "I probably didn't handle this the right way today," he said to the camera. The poor guy was really messed up emotionally. You're doing your best, Peter! You got thrown a curveball!

He brought the girls downstairs to the theater, or whatever it was, and explained the situation. He called off the group date, because he wasn't in the headspace to do it, but they'd meet up later at the cocktail party. He still had sparkles from Hannah's dress on his face. The women were very upset with the situation. They all came here for Peter, but he might not be ready for them. Natasha in particular was very unhappy. "The f---ing nerve," she snapped to the other girls.

The cocktail party was awkward. "I've been better, to be honest," Natasha said when Peter asked how she was doing. But "Hannah B. is in the past," he promised her, and told her he loves how direct she is. Sydney was still hurt when she sat down with him, but then he asked where she was from and she told him she wasn't a typical Southern girl and she's so strong that sometimes she can't be vulnerable, and they kissed, so she was happy. Mykenna and Peter danced and kissed. The scenes seemed to be happening in real time, like they all started making out within one minute of seeing each other. Sydney got the rose. Peter sure loves 'Bama girls.

The next day, it was time for the rose ceremony. During the cocktail party, Peter didn't remember who Lexi was, but he remembered her red car. He knew he had a Hot Wheels car to give to someone, and it turned out it was her. Kelsey had a bottle of champagne she'd been saving for a special occasion and wanted to pop it with Peter, but she couldn't get any time with him because Mykenna took him instead, even though Mykenna already had time with him yesterday. And Kelsey, rather than focus on her own relationship with Peter and going to talk with him, lost her sh-- on Mykenna to a truly disproportionate degree. She was so mean for no reason! You'd think Mykenna had stolen Kelsey's 401k or something!

Peter talked to Maddie, even though she already has a rose, and even gave her a framed photo of them with his family. Kelsey slashed Maddie's throat with the broken champagne bottle. Just kidding, but what really happened was Peter and Hannah Ann happened upon the champagne bottle, not knowing that it was Kelsey's and she had a whole plan, and POPPED IT! Kelsey had a full-on meltdown. Kelsey immediately assumed Hannah Ann did it on purpose because she's a "snake." That's a very healthy way to go through life, immediately convincing yourself the worst possible interpretation of any situation is true. Give the producer who told Hannah Ann there was a bottle of champagne sitting by the fireplace unattended a raise!

"That was supposed to be my moment, and she took that from me." Kelsey wasn't OK. She wouldn't even talk to Peter. Then she came over and accused Hannah Ann of ruining her moment. "I brought that all the way from Des Moines!" She was beside herself. And, then, TWIST! There were two bottles of champagne. It wasn't exactly the right one, but Kelsey still got to have champagne with Peter. The producers wouldn't do Kelsey that dirty.

Unfortunately, Kelsey took a swig from the bottle and it exploded in her face. Womp womp. And Kelsey still wouldn't let it go with Hannah Ann. It's not even that Hannah Ann should have assumed that champagne wasn't for her, because Peter was the one who went for it. So Kelsey really has nothing to justify her continued rage at Hannah Ann, but she wouldn't let it go, because she seems...unwell. Hannah Ann tried to talk to her, hilariously saying "I acknowledge your feelings," because what else could she say? Saying "Kelsey, you're wylin," would only make it worse, you know? Kelsey berated her for being fake and a pretty little princess. In an ITM, Tammy said she wanted no part in the "champagne crisis." Tammy is the season's best narrator. Champagne Crisis!

At the rose ceremony, the only women who didn't get a rose whose name I know was Lauren. Kelsey refused to give a toast for the remaining women. She figured she should keep her mouth shut, because otherwise she didn't know what would come out.

The group date the next day was at the brick-and-mortar location of Revolve, a clothing brand that hires a lot of Bachelor girls to advertise for them on Instagram, and they got a head start on the next phase of their influencer career, as the challenge would be modeling the clothes. Honestly, what a coup for Revolve to actually make it onto the show -- Sugar Bear Hair could never. All of the girls were excited to try on the clothes, except Victoria F., who seemed to be having some kind of social anxiety flareup. If it was real and not just for attention, she's not cut out for The Bachelor, sorry.

The winner of the fashion show would win "the entire Revolve closet," 40 shopping bags worth of clothes with a retail value of several thousand dollars. But are they good clothes tho???? I have no idea. The girls looked good, though. Hannah Ann wore a wedding dress. That's a flex. Victoria F. was nervous backstage, but then she nailed her walks, because as you see above, she's a model. For the second look, she came out in a trench coat and then took it off to reveal a lacy teddy. So yeah, this anxiety thing seems like an act. She just can't take not being the center of attention. She and Hannah Ann got selected for the final, but Hannah Ann -- who's already a professional model for things besides White Lives Matter hats -- was picked as the winner. Victoria freaked out, saying she wanted to leave. Victoria F. is a sore loser.

Victoria F. was a wet blanket even with Peter. "I don't know if I'm made out for this," she said. She wasn't sure if it was good for her mental health. Of course it's not good for your mental health! Being on TV is bad for everyone's mental health! I don't know, I'm not convinced that Victoria's anxiety act is sincere. It's setting off my manipulation detector.

During the cocktail party, Peter got another bottle of champagne for Kelsey, but she's not Hannah Ann. When Hannah Ann told Peter about Kelsey bullying her, Peter said he wasn't going to put up with that, but Hannah Ann didn't get the group date rose. Victoria did. And Kelsey got a talking-to. Peter pulled her aside and told her what Hannah Ann told him. "She knew what she did," Kelsey said. "I don't like her." Kelsey said Hannah Ann was fake. She's one way with Peter and another way in the house. Kelsey defended herself, and Peter said he didn't know who to believe, but Kelsey knew that Hannah Ann putting "bully" in Peter's head was bad news for her.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It's available to stream on Hulu.

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