Who Should Get a Surreal Life Sentence?

If you thought the ratings-hungry WB wasn't going to green-light a second season of its pseudocelebrity sleepover sleeper, The Surreal Life, we've got two words for you: Get surreal! Already, producers are casting about for B-listers to fill the bunks left vacant by Corey Feldman, M.C. Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Gabrielle Carteris, Brande Roderick, Vince Neil and Jerri Manthey. But before they're finished making their new home, we recommend that they review TV Guide Online's picks to rock the house. Wouldn't you agree? If these fallen stars can't help the network get more out of life, no one can.

Michael Jackson: If the gloved one is so perturbed about ABC's "misleading" docu about him, he should jump at the chance to show the world what it's really like living with Michael Jackson. After all, what better way to dispel his distorted image than by revealing that the King of Pop reads on the throne just like the rest of us. Plus, maybe he'd get lucky and be assigned to '80s sidekick Lewis's empty bed.

Shannen Doherty: We can only hope that Miss Anger Management would stir up half the trouble on the Life set that, according to legend, she did behind the scenes at Beverly Hills, 90210 and Charmed. Even if she doesn't, we're still pretty much guaranteed that, were the host of Sci Fi's upcoming Scare Tactics reality series to break out knitting needles a la Carteris, it would be for purposes far more frightening than making a scarf.

Willie Aames: Lord, have mercy! Once the resident pin-up boy of Eight Is Enough — he was mop-topped middle son Tommy Bradford — this born-again family guy now tours the country as a Scripture-quoting superhero in The Bible Man Show. So, should the spirit of Reverend Hammer move him to throw the book at his sinful roomies, you can bet it would be the Good One.

Frenchie Davis: So the American Idol 2 belter's X-rated past made her too hot for Fox, huh? Well, that ought to make her just hot enough for the WB, which eagerly embraced Playboy Bunny Roderick. Moreover, in Life's open house, cybertrollop Davis wouldn't have to show off her, um, lung capacity. However, if she pulled lead vocals on the next campout sing-along, we'd sure appreciate it.

John Rocker: As the infamously bigoted Major League pitcher has proven himself equally adept at putting his foot in his mouth and sending balls over the plate, we can't resist recruiting him for a team of every race, creed and sexual orientation. Who knows? Maybe the diamond dog would surprise us and reveal himself to be a good sport after all. But just in case, we'd keep him away from blunt instruments. You know... like his head.

Vanessa Marcil: Since former husband Feldman and old flame Neil made out the General Hospital heroine to be a mini Leona Helmsley, we think she deserves the opportunity to have her say. Okay, not really. We actually just hope the onetime Prince playmate will dish about some of the other studs in her stable, among them soap co-star Tyler Christopher and 90210 squeeze Brian Austin Green.

Vanilla Ice: Despite a valiant comeback attempt, for some reason the erstwhile Robert Van Winkle never managed to return. (Damn that Eminem for stealing his act!) So what the heck? We'd be willing to overlook his nasty temper and let him move out of his cardboard box for a while. Perhaps after being creamed on Celebrity Boxing, he's finally learned his lesson and would be ready to play nice, nice, baby.

Varla Jean Merman (aka drag artist Jeffery Roberson): With her operatic voice, the long-lost love child of Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman can raise the roof the old-fashioned way, by bringing in da noise. What we'd really be looking forward to, though, would be watching the recent Sundance scene-stealer (Girls Will Be Girls) engage in a battle of wits with a half-dozen unarmed opponents. Jeepers, she'd have turned Lewis into a throw pillow in a matter of minutes.

Paul Reubens: Now that the funnyman has made a name for himself as a purported purveyor of kiddie porn as well as comic genius Pee-wee Herman, it may be time for him to leave the playhouse for the WB's grownups-only home. If nothing else, the difficulty of hiding scandalous pictures under his mattress while being taped 24/7 might help keep him out of the pokey for a couple of weeks.

Heidi Fleiss: If Life's freshman year lacked one thing, it was sexual tension — and no, putting Roderick in a cheerleader outfit wasn't enough. Our solution? Call in a pro. The Hollywood madam's little black book is even thicker than Marcil's. As an added bonus, maybe Nicole Kidman would call on the good-time gal to discuss her upcoming tell-all movie.

Scott Baio: Joanie wasn't the only one who loved Chachi; we did, too. So we say the WB should give the Happy Days heartthrob the keys to the pad, then sit back and wait for the hilarity that could only ensue with Charles in charge. Oh, and man, can you imagine the high jinks that might go on were he to be reunited with Zapped! buddy Aames? No? Then you're just not trying hard enough.

Mariah Carey: Thanks to Glitter, we all know that Madame Butterfly couldn't act her way out of a thong. But who says she has to? The wannabe screen queen's TRL meltdown was the tube's guiltiest pleasure of 2002. Make her share a bathroom with Wacko Jacko or Doherty, and a repeat performance would be practically inevitable. For crying out loud, it wouldn't be merely Must-See TV, it would be a matter of death and Life!

Which of our nominees would you most like to follow home? Click here to vote on the new cast of The Surreal Life in our exclusive poll.