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Supernatural Versus the Ministry of Magic

They say to keep your enemies close but this is getting ridiculous

MaryAnn Sleasman

It's official: the British Men of Letters are basically Evil Harry Potter, complete with their own evil Hogwarts and evil(er) Dolores Umbridge in the form of Kendricks and Dr. Hess. It was all in good fun until Ketch (David Haydn) blew Mick's (Adam Fergus) brains out for getting a little too thinky about things like morality and whether blindly slaughtering everything with a sub-human strand of DNA miiiiiight be a bit extreme. This, after banging Momma Winchester (Samantha Smith) and actually being like a human for two whole minutes of screen time -- this is the Ketch Supernaturalhas decided we need. This is the BMOL we're supposed to pin all of our hopes and dreams on now because sweet, stupid Mick flew too close to the sun and got his wings sheared off by his own personal Naomi. Seriously, the parallels between his story and Castiel's (Misha Collins) are too strong to ignore. Mick's is just the version of angelic rebellion that ends with death and more death instead of exile and endless debates about the self-worth of one shabby old de-powered angel with a cheeseburger fetish.

Is Supernatural just rehashing its classic fifth season?

So Mick is out, Hess is in, and much like our increasingly depressing real world, the BMOL's extremist-in-chief went nuclear and declared that every American hunter was going to die because they were uncooperative and unwilling to kill everyone with a drop of monster blood in their meat sacks. Coming from a former headmistress who was apparently totally fine with pitting students against one another in a fight to the death as some sort of worst graduation project ever, this sort of burn-the-world-down insanity comes naturally even if it doesn't make any actual sense. Something tells me Hess is a big fan of whatever Britain's version of Fox & Friends is. She is that awful and oh my god, if Supernatural does anything to our precious Eileen (Shoshannah Stern), I will riot, and by "riot," I mean I'll throw a Twitter tantrum. Also, if Supernatural does kill off Eileen, does this mean that Sam Winchester's death-peen has evolved to consume his whole body, and that now, Sam Winchester's flirty-eyes are enough to land a well-liked female character on a funeral pyre? These are questions that need to be answered.

Other ladies on the impending chopping block this week: Momma Winchester, whose extracurricular relations with the BMOL's mindless killing machine, Ketch, are of the "doesn't mean anything" variety except that without Mick, there has to be someone/something in the BMOL ranks that we can tie all of our hopes and dreams on and right now, that something is Ketch, if only because it certainly isn't Hess.


Mark Pellegrino, Supernatural

Dean Buscher/The CW

And then there's the always-infuriating Kelly Kline (Courtney Ford) and her demonic midwife, Dagon (Ali Ahn), who left a trail of bodies in their wake after Kelly insisted that she needed to see an actual real human baby-doctor because the woman just does not grasp the concept of being impregnated by the Devil Himself and carrying a doomsday-heralding monster-fetus around in her oven. Now she's tied to a bed, waiting for death/graphic monster birth of her darling half-angel, in total shock because no one told her she was going to DIE while bringing Satan's actual literal spawn into the world... except that everyone did, including her grumpy Prince of Hell bodyguard. Even Lucifer (Mark Pellegrino) himself couldn't bring himself to refer to her as more than "the container" for his monster son, which could have been used to launch Kelly Kline into something bigger and symbolic of Supernatural's eternal struggle to make their women important and independent without hinging all of that on a gruesome-but-totally-essential death. It could have been, and maybe it still might, except the series has been phoning it in since at least November to the point that we are in the homestretch of the season and I can still barely articulate what this season is actually about.

At least this storyline is back on the radar?

Supernatural's Jared Padalecki and wife welcome a baby girl!

Kelly Kline is back on the radar, the British Men of Letters threat has a renewed ruthlessness that dumb, dead Mick only needed two weeks to dismantle before his untimely death, and Lucifer is thisclose to breaking all of Crowley's toys and... I don't know. Seriously, what is Lucifer supposed to do with himself at this point? The apocalypse(s) was thwarted, he (kind of) made up with Daddy, despite Crowley's current hooks holding him down, at least he's not stuck in the Cage, and even his creepy man-crush on Sam has seemed to fall to the wayside now that Supernatural's ultimate baddie is just a goofy schemer like the rest of them.

Please prove me wrong, Supernatural. Pleeeeeease.

Supernatural airs Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW.

(Full disclosure: TVGuide.com is owned by CBS, one of The CW's parent companies.)