Our top moments of the week:
13. Best Vows:
Twenty-eight years and two children later, Gene Simmons finally ties the knot with Shannon Tweed on Gene Simmons Family Jewels in a romantic ceremony during which Tweed gives the legendary lothario her father's ring that she melted and reshaped into one for Simmons. "If you ever take it off..." she sweetly threatens before Simmons completes her thought: "I'll kill you." 'Til death do they part!
12. Best Moment of Truth: On the first part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, Caroline tries to tell Teresa she's not getting involved in some drama (we can't keep track of exactly what) when Teresa plugs her ears and pushes Caroline over the edge. They argue back and forth before Caroline comes to a very important realization we're surprised (and a little worried) took her so long. "I feel like I'm getting dumber as the minutes go on. ... I am in a whirlwind of stupid."
12. Saddest Revelation: When Rossi's first ex-wife Carolyn (guest star Isabella Hoffman) visits him on Criminal Minds, the thrice-divorced guy thinks she's in town to give it another go. But after wining and dining at his house — excuse us, mansion — she drops a bombshell: She has ALS and asks him to help her die instead of prolong her suffering when the time comes. Stunned, Rossi takes her hand in his as they both tear up. We have to wait until the next episode for his answer, but we're pretty sure we know what it's going to be.
11. Most Meta Reference: How did Jane snag herself a hubby, "Mr. B-R-A-D," on Happy Endings? She put him on her vision board. "Well, technically, she didn't have me on the board," Brad says. "It was just a picture of one of the guys on In Living Color." Oh, you mean, like your real-life and TV dad Damon Wayans? Guess those boards really do work!
10. Best Mix-Up: Just when it seems like nothing is going Reagan and Chris' way in the delivery room on Up All Night (wrong doctor, leaving the birth mix CD at home), Chris realizes he also has the birth mix on his iPhone. He connects the phone to the speakers, holds Reagan's hand tightly and... "Jump Around" starts blaring, rudely interrupting their sweet moment. Apparently, the baby is going to be a House of Pain fan?
9. Best Revenge, Part I: After being unceremoniously banned from The Hamptons by Victoria for sleeping with her husband, Lydia returns to town determined to find her way back into the inner circle on Revenge. What she gets instead is an intrusion from Victoria's bodyguard, Frank. The two struggle until Lydia accidentally leans back too far on the roof and plummets to her death. The drop is shocking, and a great way for the show to up the ante from simple party mishaps and corporate takedowns to much bigger problems. Plus, there's the fact that Nolan's Shamu-cam caught it all on tape.
8. Most Manufactured Drama: After Simon Cowell finally cuts his team of eight acts down to four on a painfully long The X Factor, he agonizes later that night about having "made the wrong decision." And since he created the show and can do whatever he wants, Simon, in an unusual display of humanity, jets to axed contestant Melanie Amaro's house in Sunrise, Fla., begging for forgiveness! Well, not really. But he apologizes and tells her she's through to the next round, making it the most staged fauxlimination in TV history!
7. Best Pink Slip: A happy and lucky Thirteen — she's going to Mykonos with her new girlfriend! — bids adieu to House for good when she comes back to Princeton-Plainsboro after House pesters her with 17-plus calls to help with a case. Ever the grateful ex-boss, he thanks her by giving her a guilt trip for leaving medicine, and pleads with her to return to the team. But after seeing Thirteen embrace her gal pal at the end, the malcontent doc fires her — because he can only work with people with nowhere else to go (read: people like him). But at least people like him know not to stand in the way of someone else's happiness.
6. Most Speechless: Supplying Republicans with more ammo to attack his oratory skills, President Barack Obama temporarily loses his right-hand man, the teleprompter, when it's stolen from a hotel. And without it, he is clearly speechless, as Conan O'Brien proves when he airs Obama's first "speech" where he must go it alone on his talk show. But really, is that any worse than Bushisms?
5. Saddest Chain of Events: On Sons of Anarchy, Juice officially becomes a rat when he hands over a sample of the cocaine SAMCRO is now moving for the Galindo Cartel. But as fate would have it, on that very same day, Clay gives Juice a "Men of Mayhem" patch, an honor reserved for the club's most dedicated members. The guilt proves too much to bear for Juice, who, as the episode ends, climbs a tree, makes a noose with a chain, and leaps to his apparent death. But wait, did we hear a limb snap during the fade to black?
4. Double Trouble Award: The Pretty Little Liars Halloween prequel presents viewers with plenty of new mythology, perhaps the most important being that Alison has or had a twin sister. Keen eyes will spy a family portrait with the sibling evidence in the first scene ever to take place in Alison's room. So is her twin "A," or was Alison's dead body actually her sister's and the real Alison is still alive? Too bad we have to wait until January for more clues.
3. Best Revenge, Part II: Camille Grammer has had an entire season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to trash talk her now-ex-husband, Kelsey Grammer. So Grammer finally takes his shot on Piers Morgan Tonightwhen he says his parting gift to her was the reality show, painting her as a fame-seeker who married him because he was Frasier and who wanted a divorce from the beginning. And here we thought she was on Real Housewives because of her close friendships with the other women! She sure fooled us!
2. Best Threesome
: They had to see each other eventually, but Peter and Will's first conversation following the Florricks' separation is made all the more hilarious by Will's ex and pot-stirrer extraordinaire Celeste (guest star Lisa Edelstein) on The Good Wife. She hits both men where it hurts — telling Peter her first threesome was with Will (awkward!) before she asks Will if he has met Alicia's kids yet (really awkward!). Now if we can just get her to do the same thing for Alicia and Kalinda! That we would pay to see.
1. No Guts, No Glory Award:
The Walking Deadhas never been shy about grossing audiences out, but the Season 2 premiere takes squirmy gore to another level. First, young Sophia goes missing. Then, Rick and Darryl kill a walker that has recently fed. Fearing that Sophia has become breakfast, the pair slices the zombie open and begins searching his guts for proof. Fortunately, they locate some woodchuck bones that confirm the walker's breakfast was not human. Unfortunately, the vivid scene also caused us to lose our breakfast.
What were your top moments?