Modern Family Modern Family

Our top moments of the week:

9. Some Things Never Change Award: On the season finale of Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti tries to find love for Stacy Kessler — a millionairess whom she threw out of her office earlier in the season. But history repeats itself when Stacy shows her date a cringe-worthy, self-made DVD about preparing for a lingerie shoot, which promptly ends the date, and her relationship with Patti — again.

8. Scariest Stare-Down: Unsurprisingly, former heavyweight champ Patrick "Lights" Leary throws some blood-splattering punches in the Lights Out premiere. But his most threatening confrontation comes when the big bruiser silently stares down daughter Ava's secret boyfriend, "Brent from Brunswick," after the two lied about an overnight rendezvous, leaving the poor boy thisclose to wetting his pants. "Are we clear?" Lights orders. Yes, sir!

7. Most Misplaced Despair: As Kim prepares to go on tour for a whole seven days on Real Housewives of Atlanta, that fact finally starts to sink in for daughter Brielle, who begins tearing up about her mother's impending absence. However, the real waterworks come when Brielle finds out Kim's assistant, Sweetie, is also leaving for the whole week. Um, at least the teenager in the house is sad that the parental figures are leaving, no?

6. Best Return We Really Didn't See Coming: After Beth finds the same type of gun used to shoot Paul behind a pillow at the Van de Kamp house on Desperate Housewives, Bree becomes the No. 1 suspect. Unfortunately for Bree, she doesn't notice that the flower delivery boy is actually Paul's estranged son, Zach! Finally, something unpredictable on this show that doesn't involve a doll (no offense, Gaby).

5. Best Impression: When Javier Bardem stops by Conan, he not only insults the host's hair and drops an F-bomb, but he busts out a spot-on sputtering impersonation of his Vicky Cristina Barcelona director Woody Allen. Even with the stammering and awkward mannerisms, Allen never sounded hotter.

4. Most Unfounded Fear: Ah, the perils of the Internet. While most of us worry about, say, identity theft, or our bosses stumbling upon scandalous photos of us on Facebook, technophobe Winona Ryder has far greater concerns. "Googling was very terrifying to me," Ryder says on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. "I have this fear that I'm going to be trying to find out what movie is playing at what theater, and then I'm suddenly going to be a member Al-Qaeda. ... We're a button away from joining Al-Qaeda. You have to be careful." Um, it doesn't exactly work like that.

3. Worst O.G.: Marcel is none too pleased with The Artist Formerly Known as Angry Dale, accusing him of not serving enough plates in Top Chef: All-Stars' previous elimination challenge. He expresses his rage the only way a brother from Bainbridge Island, Wash., can: bad rap. Swilling gin straight from the bottle, the Season 2 alum also shows off comical, bird-like posturing (perhaps in homage to his chicken wing dish?). Sample taunt: "That's why they call it a f---ing game/and a f---ing challenge/and if you want to cry about it/if you want to be a little f---ing b----/then get the f--- out the game." Well said, yo.

2. Most Poignant: Jon Stewart opens The Daily Show Monday with a heartfelt speech about last week's deadly shooting in Arizona, as he struggled to process the event itself and the "political-pundit world" trying to place blame. "[We should] not conflate our political opponents with enemies," he says, adding that no one knows what could affect "a troubled mind." "Something or someone will shatter our world again. Wouldn't it be a shame if we didn't use this opportunity ... to make sure that the world we are creating now ... wasn't better than the one we previously lost?"

1. Biggest Mistake: After Mitchell suspects that he may have fathered a redheaded boy with his former beard flame, Tracy, on Modern Family, he and Cameron decide to meet the boy and bring him a present. Unfortunately, little Bobby turns out to be, well, a little person... and Tracy's husband. And Mitchell and Cam's present? A Little Slugger baseball mitt. Oops.

What were your top moments this week?