Our top moments of the week:
13. Most Intriguing Tease: How I Met Your Mother's exhaustive time-jumping episode wraps up with an emotional payoff when it flashes-forward to 2015 and shows new dad Ted cradling his infant baby girl. (All together now: Aw!) But the real tease is that Barney is very conspicuously hiding his left hand throughout the scene. We know he's getting married in the season finale, but will he still be hitched three years from now?
12. The Marriage Ref Award: On The Client List, when Valerie discovers that her husband, Jared, has been using the services of masseuse/escort Riley (Jennifer Love Hewitt), she paints the word "WHORE" on Riley's car and confronts her outside of her home. Riley calmly informs Valerie that all she gives Jared is a chance to vent about his unsatisfying marriage. "A man does not go looking elsewhere if he's getting what he needs at home," she tells the harried wife. "You could do it right now. You could go home and screw the living daylights out of him." Amazingly, Valerie takes her advice, in a happy ending we weren't quite expecting.
11. Silver Lining Award: After Claire loses the city council election on Modern Family and Haley is rejected from every college she's applied to so far, the Dunphys could really use some good news. But wait! Haley produces a final response letter, which surely must contain the feel-good pick-me-up the Dunphys need to end the episode on a high note, right? Sort of. She got waitlisted! "We'll take it!" Claire says. "Our daughter might be going to college!" Phil screams, as the extended clan hugs it out. It's the small victories, people.
10. Best Case of Mistaken Identity: Dalia's daily pow-wow with her therapist (hilariously played by Inside the Actors Studio host James Lipton) on Suburgatory results in a major breakthrough dealing with Dalia's feelings about her parents' divorce. "She expects people to feel sorry for her, but I don't," Dalia says, realizing she blames this "her" for the divorce. Her therapist encourages Dalia to confront this individual head-on about her feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment and promptly opens the door to reveal — no, not her mother — but her mother's dog, Yakult. Now that's ruff!
9. Worst Game of Child's Play: In his tedious war with publishing shark/ex Diana (Elizabeth Hurley) on Gossip Girl, Nate tricks her into getting frisky with Lola's 16-year-old friend at a lingerie party and films the entire sweaty encounter on his cell phone. However, Diana quickly up-ends his blackmail strategy by pointing out that if he releases the video, she'll get him sent to jail for filming child pornography. Amateur!
8. Cattiest Fight: After weeks of crotch-gazing and name-calling ("triflin' ho"), The Amazing Race's Vanessa-Rachel catfight comes to a head when Brendon bumps into and flips off Vanessa's now-ex-beau Ralph at the airport (for which he later apologized). Naturally, that sets off a nasty back-and-forth between the ladies, which Rachel tries to win by bringing up age. "How old are you? Aren't you, like, 38?" she snips. "Yes, I'm 38 and somehow I still look younger than you," Vanessa fires back. "Honey, get your nose done before you get your boobs done. Do everybody a favor." Well, you would know.
7. Best Inside Dig:
Cooper Anderson (guest star Matt Bomer), Freecreditratingtoday.com pitchman and Blaine's big brother, visits Glee's McKinley High to school the kids of New Directions in the art of acting (for some reason). First up: Rachel assists in a dramatic reading of a scene from Glee's real-life timeslot competitor NCIS, in which she plays a detective who must ask a burning question -- why is that dead guy wearing a dress? — all the while pointing very forcefully. It's a fun, light-hearted dig at the CBS procedural, which merits an immediate reprisal. Come on, Michael Weatherly, we know you have a sick Duran Duran mash-up up your sleeve.
6. Most Twisted Dream: Speaking of sick, Mad Men's Don Draper has a gruesome, unspecified ailment that sends him home early to rest. His nap is interrupted by the odd arrival of former fling Andrea (guest star Madchen Amick), who proposes a little afternoon delight. Despite Don's I'm-a-married-man protests, he ends up sleeping with her. When Andrea refuses to leave, an enraged, sweaty Don panics and strangles her, shoving her lifeless body hastily under the bed. Don't worry, Don isn't a murderer — it turns out it was all a fever dream, and he wakes from it to see angelic Megan tending to hin in his time of need. But has he "killed" his desire to be unfaithful or just awakened his potential for darker capabilities?
5. Best Worst Shout-out: Anyone who watches The Voice knows that the show's social media lounge has been an awkward filler segment since Day 1. But apparently coach Adam Levine never got the memo until Tuesday's results show, when he visits the lounge for himself and promptly calls out social media correspondent Christina Milian. "It's a little bit awkward in here. Can we, like, move around or something? Can we put some music on?" he asks Christina, who explains the silence by saying that everyone is tweeting and are very moved by the night's results. "It's a weird vibe in here though," he continues. "I want to change the vibe in here." Maybe if there was a full bar in the lounge it would be more to Adam's liking.
4. Most Disarming Finale: On Justified's Season 3 finale, Detroit carpetbagger Robert Quarles takes Deputy Marshal Raylan Givens hostage and storms into Limehouse's slaughterhouse demanding $500,000 — the amount it will take for him to get back into the mob's good graces up north. But after Limehouse reveals that he hides his cash inside his swine ("It's a piggy bank!" Quarles squeals with glee), things go sideways, and Limehouse ends up chopping off Quarles' arm with a meat cleaver. It's like they say in Noble's Holler: You can leave, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg!
3. Most Heartbreaking Conflict: As if Law & Order: SVU's Olivia hasn't had enough hard days on the job already, this week she learns that she helped wrongly convict a man of rape eight years ago and that a new unit is being formed to investigate past NYPD actions. Not only will the unit be starting with the sex crimes unit, but Olivia's boyfriend, ADA Haden (Harry Connick Jr.) will head up the effort. Foreseeing the obvious conflict of interest that is about to arise, the couple meets in a darkened bar and decides to pretend that their fledgling relationship never happened. Poor Olivia! First Stabler, and now this?
2. Best Interruption: In one of the most backward results show in recent American Idol memory, the week's obviously best three performers are all put in the bottom three. Ryan Seacrest then reveals that frontrunner Jessica Sanchez is the lowest vote-getter of the evening. All three judges run on stage and J. Lo brazenly interrupts Jessica's performance and demands that Jessica give her the mic. "You're not going home! Go sit down! Go sit down!" Randy Jackson then chimes in and basically pleads with America to stop voting for singers based on their hotness and start voting based on talent. "Everybody, please, everybody vote for the best. It's about finding the best." Seriously, America, don't make Jenny from the Block mad like that again.
1. Funniest Giggle Fit: Potty humor isn't Anderson Cooper's only kryptonite. As Cooper explains Dyngus Day, a post-Lent Polish-American holiday, during his Anderson Cooper 360 RidicuList segment, everything is going smoothly — until a news clip lays out the holiday's quirky rituals: "boys sprinkling girls that they fancy with water and the girls striking back with a tap from a pussy willow branch." The silver fox tries his hardest to hold it together, but ultimately breaks out into those delirious giggle fits that we already know and love. It gets so bad that he has to get up and walk away from his desk. "It's really so stupid," he says. But it's not all fun and games: Some Polish organizations have taken offense to his "stupid" comment, which Cooper later clarifies was referring to his inability to stop giggling and not the rituals themselves. At least it's all water under the bridge with Buffalo's Dyngus Day Celebration co-founder Eddy Dobosiewicz, who asks Cooper to be the town's first Pussy Willow Prince. Do it, Anderson! Wear a pussy willow crown!
What were your top moments?